A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I am a 30 someting mother of two torn between two men: my boyfriend T(who is the father of my two young children) and F who I have fallen in love with. T and I have been together for 5 years. We met at work and it was love at first sight for him. At first I didn't think of him as a potential lover because we worked together but also because he was such a nice guy (he didn't have the typical bad boy qualities that used to attract me in men). After a bad break-up I started spending time with him. Going to the movies, having dinner. It was all refreshingly simple and easy going. In time I fell in love, we moved in together and had children. I thought I finally found peace and happiness. And I guess that was true for the most part of our relationship... until we hit a really rough patch. After our daughter was born I had two miscarriages one after the other. The first was at 4 months into the pregnancy, the second at 2. My first miscarriage had been extremely painful so when I started bleeding the second time I was devastated. T was home at the time and when I broke the news and said I wanted to go to the hospital he told me that i it was ok for me he's rather stay home because he was expecting a friend over. I ended up going alone and lost my baby at the hospital while he was playing tennis with his friend.I felt completely alone. And from then on I started feeling more and more alone in our relationship. What first attracted me to him (his calm and composure) started to feel like emotional distance. I felt like he didn't care about me, let alone his unborn children. And that feeling never really went away even after I fell pregnant again . That's when started getting closer to F. We'd met 10 years ago through a friend of mine who was his cousin. We hit it off straight away but I had a BF at the time so we remained friends from afar. He started seeing a girl, I moved in with T and that was that.But then last summer i sent him an email for his birthday. He didn't reply but called me a month later to say he and his GF broke up. We talked for hours: he about his ex GF, me about the situation with T. We grew closer and closer until one day we met up and ended up kissing. I was pregnant with my son at the time and dismissed the incident as a one off. But we kept in touch and I fell in love. It's been almost a year day to day since we first kissed. And although we both tried to break it off at some point (he got back with his ex for a while, I had a baby and tried to focus entirely on my family) we have started seeing each other again. I'm afraid this is more than just a fling with a man who happened to be there when I hit rock bottom. And at the same time I am terrified that it would be a mistake to leave T and break up my family. I tried going to counseling with T but he says he doesn't think we have any real issues. He said he could have handled my miscarriage differently but that he didn't mean any harm. I believe him. But now I just feel like it's just not good enough. At that time I desperately wanted him to care about me, and all of this but now I don't even know if I want that anymore because I'm not sure if what we have can still be saved after all that's happened. He doesn't know about F and I don't want to tell him because I know that when I do I will be forced to either make a choice or let him go.I'm ashamed of what I did, cheating on him. I feel bad about keeping both our lives in lingo, not being able to chose. I feel bad about what all of this could do to my children. But I am so scared of making a mistake either way that I am paralyzed.Have any of you ever been in a similar situation? What was the outcome? How do you think I should handle things? Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reactions.
@ anonymous: yes, what i'm doing is selfish and yes you are right i should not blame all of this on my BF (it was not my intention to blame him. I just wanted to explain why and how all of this started). But you're wrong about one thing: I don't have it all. I'm not proud of what I'm doing. I will get out of this and I know that whatever happens I will pay the price. This situation eats away at me.
@ Caring guy: it means a lot to me that a man would also find him not coming to the hospital with me cruel. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a mars venus thing that he chose not to come with me. I'm thinking about your saying that if couldn't chose between two men it meant I didn't love either enough. Maybe the choice isn't just T or F... but also just taking a chance at being alone?
@ Katyayni; I have tried explaining this to him but he doesn't get it. Not that or even in general the fact that I feel like we are disconnected. It's probably a personality trait that will not change. Your advice to detach myself from both men in order to think this through sounds right. It's probably the only way to face my fears without burning all my bridges.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): Stop BLAMING your bf and LOOK at your life. You are the one cheating on him. Of course he has not clue you are sleeping with someone else therefore he believes that all is well.
“He doesn't know about F and I don't want to tell him because I know that when I do I will be forced to either make a choice or let him go.” Like other cheater you got it made. A faithful long term partner and sex on the side. This works for you so you string your bf along. Stop messing with his life and RELEASE him to find a decent woman who would cherish him for who he is, not someone to mess around while pregnant with his kid. You are such a selfish person really. your bf deserves better than you
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 November 2009):
Katyayni has it right. I think there are a few issues, but I think they all come down to that moment when you said you had to go to the hospital and your partner rather cruelly didn't come. You need to address that and explain to him you are having issues and need to talk about them.
As for this new guy, I think in your moment of need you turned to him and he's shown you a lot of care and affection. But I'm not sure he's the one for you.
You've been through a lot, and I am sorry about that. It's time to focus on yourself, no matter what happens. The truth is, if you can't choose between two people, it's because you don't love either of them enough. I wonder if some time alone from both and time spent with a therapist to get all those feelings out so you can understand them would make you feel better. All the best.
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