A
female
age
36-40,
*ainydaywithsunshine
writes:My boyfriend and I are having an argument about cheating. No neither of us is but we can't agree as to what can be defined as cheating. I said that if I made a girl on girl video (hypothetical) but he wasn't allowed to see it BUT I told him about it, it wasn't cheating. The reason I say this is because he wouldn't consider it cheating as long as he would be allowed to watch the video. my point is that no matter if I let him watch it or not I'd still be having sec with someone else. he says that it does matter because he'd only approve of it if he got to watch. I hope you see our problem. Some opinions to help settle this...discussion... would be most helpful! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): I have to agree with those who said that cheating is relative. Cheating is what is mutually defined by the couple involved in the relationship as cheating. There are couples who have open relationships, they are allowed to have sex with other people, and they won't consider it cheating, unless it violated the bounds of that agreement (such as: they can sleep with other people, only if approved by the other... or only if they are told in advance or whatever... anything beyond that, the other person would and could construe as cheating).
So, if boyfriend is hypothetically cool with you sleeping with another woman, taping it and showing it to him, goody for you (if you're into girls, that is)! Now you know where the boundaries are in your relationship. :-)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Just add a little more insight. A lot of guys if you were open about it don't really comprehend girl/girl as cheating because we don't take it seriously. If you said if there was a guy in the equation he 'will' consider it cheating.
...............................
A
female
reader, rainydaywithsunshine +, writes (2 March 2009):
rainydaywithsunshine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhaha thank you guys. It was a stupid argument which really wasn't an argument rather than a fun little bickering session, we were smiling the entire time. I see all your points and will bring up your points to him later. it's one of those things that we just agreed to disagree.
as to the comment made that we watch too much porn? quite the opposite. we don't watch porn at all. It was just a simple funny hypothetical situation that we bickered about bored on a snowy evening.
:) thanks guys for spending a moment answering the question.
...............................
A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Cheating is where you do somthing with another person in spite or againsed to respective wishes of your lover. heating can be defined not just having sex with another person but also going with someone else that your pertner finds competative. for example i might have an open relationship and my partner and myself would be having sex with other people, this is not cheating because we mutually agree that we would do it, but if i was with a girl and we were in a closed relationship and i decided to be with another girl which would be againsed the wishes of my partner then im cheating - even in simply spending time with that other girl if she was considdered competative to my partner.
Its all about acceptance of a given situation. Your boyfriend is saying that he does not accept that you will make a video behind his back or without him seeing the video being made, deeply he "may" be worried another guy might pop out of a box or something. Anyway it is the consent of the partner that defines cheating. If you go againsed it, unfortunalty you humiliate your partner and things can become very uncomfortable.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): What counts as cheating is all relative. Some people draw the line sooner than others. Its up to each individual couple to decide what constitutes cheating, and then both honour that arrangement.
If he thinks that doing X is cheating, and you do it knowingly, then you have cheated in his eyes, and vice versa. These are things couples need to sort out for themselves. My husband would feel betrayed if I was intimate with another man or woman, even if that meant just emotional attachments. But since I know that that's what he considers cheating, I never go beyond that line.
Anyway, I suspect that your boyfriend doesn't think a "girl-on-girl" video (sigh...) really "counts" as cheating because he would get pleasure form watching it :) But that's a whole different story...
Bottom line: cheating is what you guys decide it is
PS be careful with the video thing. Just a word of caution.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (2 March 2009):
At first glance, I'm not sure I understand his argument. Which is not to say I agree with yours, I honestly think we're missing something of his argument.
To wit: does that mean if you had sex with his best friend, and he could not watch, that it was not cheating? 99% of what is commonly thought of as cheating is not watched by anyone.
Presumably he would say you sleeping with his best mate was cheating. So what (to him) would make your girl-on-girl (or boy-on-girl) video different?
Happy to offer more thoughts if we can get clarification.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): This is about the stupidist argument I have ever heard of, and the logic is just as ridiculous.
As long as he approved of it and got to watch it then it isn't cheating? Ok, so you have his definition of cheating, he would love to see you get it on with another female....ask him how he would feel if you were instead having sex on camera with another male? Hmmm, I bet he would think it was cheating.
Your opinion on it apparantly doesn't matter. Which is my point, your opinion is the ONLY one that matters as to whether or not it is considered cheating....and he needs to understand what that is. And for the record having sex with more than one person while in a sexually exclusive relationship is cheating, key word here being that both of you have made a promise to be sexually faithful, the sex of the person you are having sex with would be beside the point, you would be having sex with someone outside of your relationship, therefore it is cheating.
If you have not made such promise to each other, then anything is fair game......Hope I saw your "problem". I think you guys watch too much porn, where morals have nothing to do with sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): use his argument against him:
if you make a girl on girl tape and show it to him, he considers that ok.
therefore
if you make a tape of you and another man and show it to him, he should consider that ok too!!
Sounds to me like he just wants to see you get it on with another girl!
...............................
|
