A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Augh... I dont even know where to begin. I am married for 5 years. We have two children. My husband has serious anger issues. He yells and says really disrespectful things and he even hit me once. I told him that if he didnt change I would leave him. We went to counseling for a year, and it helped a little but he still has his blow ups. I love him, and I love what I know we could have. but... it has totally pushed me away bc of his temper. He has a really close friend who is going through a break up with his girlfriend. We have been talking a lot bc he wanted girls advice about stuff. He knows my situation with my husband as well and is very old school about respecting women and stuff. Anyway, a month ago we kissed. I felt horrible for cheating and I didnt say anything. I talked with the guy and we both agreed that it was more a sense of comfortableness we were both confiding in each other about stuff and it meant nothing. Well, friends came over last night and we ended up kissing again. I KNOW its wrong and I know Im a complete mess. I just dont know what the heck to do next. I love my children and I dont want to put them through divorce even though I know deep down that my husband isnt going to change. AND..obviously I am seeking outside attention so Ive thrown our marriage in the trash as well. I really want to work things out with my husband but I feel like in my mind Ive already decided its over bc of his temper. WHY the hell did I do this? I dont really know why I cheated and I feel really guilty for enjoying the attention. The friend is a really close family friend and I could NEVER tell my husband or he would kill him I think. I just dont know what to do. I know its just sexual tention between him and I bc we are both going through needy situations with our husband/ex girlfriend... but augh.. please dont slam me. I know Im wrong.. I just need advice. please...
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female
reader, love is trust +, writes (22 July 2008):
i really think the friend is just using you, he's probably into you in using the his break up as a reason to get closer. But i hate to say this but kissing or anything else with another man will not make you find the answer to your failing marriage. You really need to cut the family friend off because if he was really a friend he wouldn't try to sneak behind your husbands back in yes the 2 of you kissing is sneaking because we both no you wouldn't have done it in front of family or friends.
As for the children you have to lead by example,in what kind of example do you think you could possibly be setting for your children if they see him screaming, in being disrespectful toward you?? I wouldn't care if i was married for 10 years the minute he put his hands on me i would have left,don't sit back and accept abuse in disrespect because you are afraid to put your children through a divorce. They will have a better life minus all the abuse in disrespect, leave before he gets worse in trust me he will get worse.
A
male
reader, leonard j, Douglas  +, writes (21 December 2007):
I don't see how creating another sexual problem with your Husband's friend will help solve the problem of an abusive Husband. You need to keep in mind that your children come first, and he is the one who needs to do the changing,as you can't do that for him. And if he won't,or can't,change,then you'll have to walk for the sake of your Children.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 Men and women were not meant to be friends, as there will always be sexual tension.
You have to make a choice.
If you want to save your marriage, end the friendship.
If you want to save the friendship, end the marriage.
Which one do you want in your life more?
If you are unsure at all, end the friendship and save the marriage, as is your obligation.
You can always get your friend back if your marriage does not work. You can not get your husband back if your friendship fails.
I worry for you. A man with anger management issues will turn into more violent relationship with you. Not a question of if, but when. Your life may be in danger.
It really sounds to me that you are addicted to the drama and dominance of his rage, and that is simply a danger to your children. It is only a matter of time.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 I don't think you would deserve any slamming, either. I believe that your feelings for this friend are understandable. You're only human. You did what you did because you're in a tough situation and you need affection and support. This isn't just sexual tension, dear. This is a very understandable need.
As to your husband, I think he can only get worse. At least he won't be getting any better. I understand that you think about your children when considering a divorce, but, in my experience, a divorce is better than a father who beats the mother or abuses her.
I am the son of divorced parents. I don't have a memory of my father living at home. On the other hand, a friend of mine had his father and his mother at home, but they didn't even sleep in the same room, and everybody knew the father had two mistresses. I can tell you that this guy had it much, much worse than I. I wouldn't have traded his situation for mine, ever.
Of course only you can know what it's best for you and your children.
As to this other guy, I think you should know what he really wants. Does he just need the support you give him, or is he really into you? The difference is important. You don't want to get your heart broken and STILL continue to live with your husband. I would be careful.
Please take care, and, if you stay with your husband, don't accept being hit again. Let him know he won't have another chance if he does. And mean it, dear.
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