A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I apologize for the length of this but I really need some perspective and advice on how to behave with my girlfriend right now:I met and starting dating a girl a little over two years ago and thought I had found the love of my life. She lived out of state so after initially meeting we talked on the phone for over a month before I went down there to be with her in person. After spending only two nights together both of us felt that we wanted to spend our lives together. She was in school and I had business obligations and parental health issues that I had to deal with so our plan was always that we would move in together once she finished school (which we both felt was important). I am fairly wealthy due to my family owning a clothing franchise so I was able to always go down there and spend a week with her every other week, it would be one week here one week there for over a year and a half. We never had a disagreement or an argument that we couldn’t resolve maturely within five minutes. We are both very attractive and we received “great looking couple” comments almost every time we went out. Even a year and a half into the relationship we could just lie on a bed and look into each other’s eyes and make out for hours on end. We had more in common with each other then I ever thought possible. Our sex life was great we were very compatible with each other and there were no issues there, we always wanted each other all the time and never grew disinterested. I always treated her like a princess (opened doors, car doors, pulled chairs out for her) I provided her with everything that she ever needed or asked for. I sent her roses and jewelry the weeks I’d be away, I took her on expensive vacations, My valentines present for her was a week at Disney world. The weeks we were apart we would talk on the phone at least 8 hours a day and never had a night go by where we were not the last voice the other heard before bed. Her family loved me and I attended holiday get together events with them, Everyone knew that we were planning on spending our lives together. The only issue we ever had was that she was constantly afraid that I was cheating on her when I never was, since her and I got together I haven’t even really ever looked at another girl like how I used to I never hung out with other girls or anything that could lead her to believe that. But I always re-assured her that she had nothing to worry about as best I could.This past March my father had a serious stroke and I had to stay here and take care of him it prevented me from being able to go down there as much as I had been and my father didn’t want anyone staying at his house (where I had to be) while he was ill. It wasn’t what either of us wanted but she told me that she understood and we still talked to each other for over 8 hours a day every day on the phone. Then in May I went down there for her graduation and everything seemed like it was all still perfect, we were enraptured with each other just like we’d always been. It was during this visit that her mother asked me for money to help with her financial situation as she had been dismissed from her job for using an illegal substance. In the past I never had any problem giving her mom cash or picking up things that she needed it was no big deal, however I did have an issue with supporting the entire household especially when there was a grown man (her brother) living there who refused to do anything or get a job. I was honest and told her that I’d always take care of her daughter and help out but that I wasn’t going to support her entire household especially when her daughter wasn’t going to be living there anymore so I asked her to tell me how long she thought the household would be out of work and how much they needed to get by. She told me not to worry about it and that was the last I heard of the issue I didn’t say anything to my girlfriend because she would have been embarrassed that her mom asked me that. I left to come back here shortly thereafter to tie up loose ends with my family for a week before moving permanently back down there. Towards the end of that week I got a text message from my girlfriend saying that she knew I’d lied to her and that she’d be going away for the weekend with her mom. She then turned her phone off for two days. I was shocked and had no idea what she was talking about. Two days later she called me crying and apologizing and said that it would never happen again. The basic info I got was that her mother and her mother’s family had convinced her that I must have been cheating on her while I was up here, that I was lying about what I was doing, that if I really loved her I would have moved down there sooner, that if I really cared about her I would have done more for her family, that she shouldn’t abandon them for me etc. etc. Everything went back to normal between us on the phone and I continued with my delayed plans to move down there the following weekend. She would be fine every night until after we got off the phone and she talked to her mom and then she would have trust issues the next morning. I tried to work through them with her telling her I’d show her anything or give her anything (online passwords, cell phone bills etc.) to prove my loyalty to her. The day before I was supposed to come down there she sent me a text while she was in the car with her mother telling me not to come down there because she “wasn’t sure” about us. Then I got an email from her saying that she was going out of town with her mother again for almost two weeks to figure out what she wanted to do. When I’d talk to her on the phone she would always break down and start crying telling me that she loved me but that she just couldn’t have me come down there right then because her family hated me, because she had trust issues, and because she was afraid that if she saw me it would remind her how in love she was and that she would “Fall for me all over again” and have more trust issues. I completely broke down in a crying mess telling her how much I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, telling her I’d live anywhere she wanted or do whatever she wanted me to do, that I’d disprove anything that was being said to her about me if she just gave me a chance. She said that she had to go away with her mom but that she would text me and call me when she could and she promised me I could come see her when she got back. I spent the next 10 days drinking (something I don’t do) and living off of every text message and brief phone call she would make to me whenever she could sneak off to do it. When she finally returned home I got ready to visit her to work things out. The morning I was supposed to leave I got a text from her mom saying she had a medical issue and needed my girlfriends help and asked if I could come the following week my girlfriend told me the same thing so I went along with it, the next morning that I was supposed to leave I got a text from my girlfriend telling me not to come for the same reason she had given me weeks earlier. I drew the line and told I was either coming to see her or it was over. She told me to come but created a situation where I could only visit her for 3 days due to “family issues”. The three days were great and everything was back to our normal happiness, when I left she broke down crying and told me she didn’t want me to go and kept calling me to come back to her house the first three times I got ten minutes down the road. I told her she could leave with me and asked her to come but she just cried and said that she could not. So I left in tears with the promise that everything would be okay. The next few days over the phone were okay but I was very emotional and living in a constant state of fear that I’d get a bad email from her because she was never able to tell me any of these bad things on the phone or face to face. Then a few days later I got an email saying that she wanted to take a break for two weeks and go without talking to each other. But she also said that she still wanted us to act and behave as if we were together she just needed to not talk to me for a couple weeks to see how she felt. After another long emotional break down I went along with it. During these two weeks she was constantly texting me telling me how much she loved me and how much she missed me. When she finally did call me she was no longer the same person, there was something cold about her and she constantly spoke of needing to be more independent and about how her mom said that she needed to experience more of life. She wanted to be with me but over the next month she was just cold, she constantly made excuses about why I couldn’t come visit her the affectionate flirting that we always used to do back and forth was gone from her. The sexual flirting was gone from her (she blamed this on her birth control) and getting her to say anything nice to me or about me or show any kind of affection was like pulling teeth. The only time I ever got any affection out of her was if I started acting really upset or if I threatened the relationship then she would go back to being ‘normal’ again for about 24 hours but as soon as I started being nice and supportive again she’d get cold. She started hanging out with all of the people she had gotten rid of in her life previously because of the negative effect that they had on her life (Drug addicts, Alcoholics, etc.) I found out that this was in part because her mother was giving her painkillers. Her new best friend (who is the definition of trash) began sending me anonymous emails about all of these little things that she was lying to me about and about how she (the friend would never do that to a great guy like me). When I would confront her if there was no proof she would deny it if there was proof she would break down and apologize be really sweet to me for 24 hours and then go back to being cold. She has always refused to believe that it is her best friend telling me stuff no matter how obvious it is or what I try to show her. This all went on for about two months of her being cold and me being an emotional mess trying to figure out how to make her happy and bring her back to her old self. Then I caught her (via her friend) talking to two of her ex-boyfriends online who lived out of state, these two people in particular she had fought long and hard to get out of her life I had to confront both of them previously because of the crazy stalkerish type stuff they would do. I was hurt that she had done this and shocked that she had allowed that element back into her life. We had a big confrontation and then all of a sudden over the past few weeks things started getting better not all the way back to how they were before but gradually getting better. Then last week out of the blue after being over at her “best friend’s” house and logging into her stuff over there her “best friend” sent me an email with all of the passwords to her email/facebook/messengers etc. telling me I had been played and to see for myself. What I discovered was that during the two weeks she wanted a “break with conditions” her mother had invited a friend of the family to come stay with them a guy who is 15 years older then her and encouraged my girlfriend to have sex with him because it would help her to be able to “let me go” She did it and I find it more then ironic that her mom also borrowed money from this guy at the same time. This went on for a couple weeks where of course this guy would come into town have sex with her and then leave blowing her off until he came back through. She had gotten wise of this guy I guess because she put a stop to it and ended it. But then for the two months that she was being cold towards me she was going around with her best friend potraying herself as single and meeting guys, flirting with them, talking to them on the phone and online, and going out on dates when she told me she was sleeping. She did have sex with any of them except the before mentioned individual but still nearly as bad. What amazed me was that it just wasn’t her, how she acted, what she said to them was nothing like the girl that I knew and loved it was really like she was behaving as a whole different person. Apparently she stopped all of this a little over a month ago when I busted her talking to her ex’s. It was like she literally just lived an alter ego for two months. When I called her out on it she broke down and said that wasn’t who she was and that she felt ashamed and embarrassed she told me that she realized that she was just trying to replace me but that she couldn’t because I was her soul mate and everything she ever wanted. She apologized profusely and tried to assure me that it would never happen again she explained that her mother and “best friend” had been encouraging her to do that and that she knew she messed up a month ago and stopped to focus on me, that she never wanted to hurt me and begged me not to leave her. I was so distraught that I told her that I needed to think about it but for the next few days she needed to really show me what she wanted. The coldness, the walls, the attitude had to completely go away and she needed to show me the affection that she used to and prove to me that she was still the girl that I loved. I also told her that she needed to give me a written apology via email and to acknowleged that she had allowed herself to be used and manipulated by her mother and family. She did this and for a few days she was really trying but then she spent a night talking to her mom and hanging out with her “Best Friend” (Who she still refuses to believe blew her up) and then I got an email from her saying that she didn’t feel like she was fighting hard enough and that part of her still didn’t trust me and now I didn’t trust her so she didn’t think it would work. I called her very calmly and said goodbye, I told her that I would always love her and cherish every moment we spent together without regret. Then I turned my phone off. The next morning I had missed calls, voice mails, and text messages from her saying that she made a mistake and wanted to talk things through with me. We talked and I asked her that if she lived in a world where her friends and family told her that all they wanted was for her to be happy and that they didn’t care what she did so long as it made her happy what would she want. She told me to be with me and that she didn’t have any doubts as to that. So for the past couple of days things have been going okay I guess and I am supposed to be going to see her right after Christmas. She is telling me she wants me that she wants to be with me, making plans to live with me etc. But she still isn’t showing me all of the affection she used to, she still refuses to stop hanging out with her friend or believe her friend was the one who told me anything. She acknowledges that her mother is both mentally and verbally abusive but she wont stand up to her. My emotional state is not good; I love her, I want to be with her, when I am out and about she is all I can think about. But I’m still hurt and I’m trying to trust her again but its hard. I don’t know how I should act to completely bring back the girl I love. I told her I needed her to show me allot of affection but it seems like that’s difficult for her to express unless I drag it out of her. Sometimes when I act affectionate she reciprocates, sometimes it makes her cold. If I act like I’m happy and nothing is bothering me and don’t go out of my way to give her affection she gets warmer towards me. It’s almost like if she knows that she has me for sure then it’s a turn off or something, but if she feels like she might lose me then she gives me lots of love and affection. It kinda feels like as much as she complains about trust she isn’t happy unless she’s worried about losing me. I really want her and this relationship, I want to give her the world. What should I do to completely bring back the girl I love? How should I act towards her? Should I trust her? How can I get her to see her best friend for who she is?In addition: There is no lack of sexual interest between the two of us neither of us have ever had a complaint in that department and I have never received one from any X even before I had money no matter how much they have hated me I have no issues in that department so I know it isn’t a “sex thing”, I have not been giving her money since all of the drama started, and I have never cheated on her or betrayed her trust despite what other people have put in her head.
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a break, alcoholic, best friend, christmas, flirt, her ex, money, sex life, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): I would run from this mess.
She is responsible for all her actions, not just the ones she did when she was in the right mood or listening to the right person at the time. EVERYTHING she does is "her" doing it.
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (20 December 2010):
You can't make her back into the girl you love, no matter how much you might want to. You asked her to prove her love by being that affectionate person again, but 1) she couldn't even consistently do that and 2) if you need to ask her to do it, is it still worth it? She will be who she is and who she wants to be, with or without whatever you try to do. It seems to me that the affection and warmth has turned into a mechanism to make you not leave her after she's gone and stopped talking to you, broke up with you, slept with other guys, dated/flirted with others. She's cold, then when you're fed up, she turns on just enough to make you think that the girl you love is still there and there's hope. This isn't a relationship, it seems to me you're just waiting in the hopes that it will turn out okay somehow. She won't leave her family, she won't stand up for herself to her family and "friend". I don't see any signs that this will improve. Her family is definitely using you, and I'm not sure that she isn't as well. I can see you love her very very much, but maybe you should take a break to see if you still think the 2 of you can make it work.
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A
female
reader, Lizzy111  +, writes (20 December 2010):
I don't believe she is so naive or anyone that can be so easily manipulated. What I believe in is that you have turned into a "reserve" just like that reserve tire everyone needs for their car...You are that soft pillow for her to always fall back on...
Move on and if you can in speed of light.
And last but not least:
I believe everything happens for a reason, People change so that you can learn to let go, Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right, You believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Long story short, its very clear that you love the girl and committed and you wish to take this relationship further.From her side she is being influenced by her mother to manipulate you with the eventual reason that you bring in money on a regular basis.what i would recomend that let her join you where you live, rather than going to live where she is, or go to a place which is new for you and see how things work out. A lot of things have happened and how that will affect you later only time will tell. How interfering your mother in law will be will also be known.I would really think this one out before and test waters, she does not have a mind of her own and she can be convinced for almost anything.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Wow. I can't believe I just read that...lol. Dude, where do you find the time and energy to deal with this stuff and this type of relationship? I feel spent just having read it. My take is this is not worth it. Her mother sounds crazy and your "girlfriend" is easily manipulated. Moreso, she may just be plain dumb, in which case you will be in for more pain and drama. Just stop thinking with your penis for once. You have money, you are still young, there are still some pretty and normal women out there...but you need to get a little smarter. Are any of you in school or doing something to train and exercise your brain?Did you also forget she had sex with another guy when her mother basically whored her daughter out for a few bucks. Run away, do you really want to deal with that type of person as a mother in law? Dude, you will be in for a world of hurt. And your girlfriend is too naive, trusting, and dare I say dumb to realize the score. Aside from this, what kind of family did you get involved with?Ditch your old phone, get a new one and don't look back. Stop the drama and the craziness. Of course if you get off on it and want to live a life full of it then just continue doing what you're doing. Lastly, dude, she cheated on you. Oh yeah, I already said that! Take off the blinders.
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