A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few months ago, I met a beautiful girl and we started dating sporadically. We started seeing eachother more frequently until she got comfortable with me and confessed she was on meds because she had panic attacks following a street rape that occurred a little over a year ago.Anyways, we would see eachother about twice a week and we would often go eating out and drinking. When she would come over, the most we would do is sneak in brief kisses and hold hands. She never showed any sexual interest after 3 months of "going out".Usually, in my past sexual experiences, sex would just happen naturally but with this girl, there was never any talk or obvious interest about it which led me to ask for it. She replied by saying that she is yet to be comfortable with me and that she isn't ready. A few weeks later, when I insisted, she said that the rape has affected her desires and that she has to totally trust me before we have intercourse. Afterwards, she said that the past 2 guys that had sex with her (after the rape) never called back and she doesn't want that to happen again.I was as patient as I could but to me, sex, while not the primary aspect of a relationship, is very important to me.A few weeks and rejections later, I finally made the decision that I couldn't handle a sexless relationship (there were other issues as well). I told her that I'd rather be single for the moment and stopped returning her calls and texts. A month later, she texted me on a Saturday and suggested that we go out and have fun. I relented and agreed to go out. We went out to a restaurant, then to a bar and ended up at my house where we had sex for the 1st time. I was adamant (to myself) that it was pity sex so she can keep me close and so I wouldn't walk out on her again. We had sex a few times afterwards and while I find her very attractive and thoroughly enjoyed it, she didn't seem to get into it (she was never vocal at all). I approached her by telling her that I perceive her to be sexually indifferent especially considering the girl I dated before her was very vocal and I definitely knew when she orgasmed.One other interesting theory was we would mostly have sex when I am upset or when I am mad at her. In my opinion, sex became her tool to please me and make me less grouchy but I had concerns about her desire for me and/or for sex in general especially in light of her rape.Today, same story, I was very upset because she texted her ex in front of me. She calmed me down, made me food and we had sex. Only this time, it definitely was different, she seemed alot more responsive, vocal (called me baby several times) and definitely more moist.After the intercourse, she left a big wet spot on the sheet, which lead to my question: does a wet spot coming from a woman following intercourse necessarily mean she orgasmed?Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Are you really the age you stated you are?
Because honestly OP you sound as immature and inexperienced as a teenager. My god you are insensitive as hell too.
Firstly you don't even know that a wet patch just means arousal, one of the most basic things when it comes to sex. It's like a girl asking if a guy came because his penis is hard. Have you never made a girl cum before? Because you just know when it happens, you don't need to be told or wonder if it did happen, it's the most obvious thing in the world. Even girls who don't vocalize their orgasms have very obvious bodily signs, really there is no mistaking an orgasm. I have had lots of sexual partners and you know when they cum, you do because you can see it and feel it.
It's unmistakable and while some girls have more intense orgasms than others it really is very plain to see.
Secondly she was raped only a year ago, a street rape too. One of the most vicious and traumatizing things anyone can experience and you decide to dump her because she wouldn't have sex with you? You also had to be told by her that it was the reason why she was so closed off about it.
Really? you couldn't figure that out for yourself? You had to insist she tell you that it was that, you really had no idea that rape can do that to a girl? Seriously? The meds and panic attacks weren't a clue no? The fact that she was still living a nightmare wasn't even the slightest indication as to why her libido might have been gone? Wow dude 30? That really how old you are?
"she didn't seem to get into it" OMG really? A rape victim couldn't get into sex? :O
So you decide to do the gentlemanly thing and compare her to your ex girlfriend, nice on dude. Very mature indeed. You tell her that your ex was better because she was more vocal, nice.
Now you also know and told yourself that she didn't actually want sex with you but only did it so she wouldn't lose you, and your okay with this? You say she only has sex because you get in bad moods and you wonder why she doesn't orgasm. You're seriously okay with her not wanting sex but feeling she has to give it you or you'll leave. You don't mind using that as a tool of blackmailing her then?
You really just don't care about this girl at all, you don't care what she went through, you don't care how she feels, you only care about getting yours. She texts an ex you explode, now it doesn't matter if she acted differently you still emotionally blackmailed her into having sex with you. She still only had sex with you because you got mad at her. You see she is still only giving you sex because you demand it, you hold the threat of leaving her over he head so we won't deny you sex.
You want some advice, then you need to grow up because frankly emotionally blackmailing a rape victim to have sex with you is not the basis fr a healthy relationship at all.
But you just don't care do you? You don't care if she wants to have sex with or not just as long as she opens her legs.
A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 No. She was obviously sexually excited but excessive wetness definitely doesn't guarantee she had an orgasm. I'm figuring you're old and experienced enough to know that women don't 'ejaculate' like we do as a result of orgasm. Also, they don't always need to orgasm during sex - the act itself being satisfaction enough in some cases.
Anyway, don't worry about it - you two are heading in the right direction. So what if it's 'pity sex'? That's a hellova thing for her to do, given her recent history. Be grateful that she cares that much for you that she's willing to do that just to please you, even if her other motives are to keep you. Be grateful! And be sure you really want her for her.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 A couple of things here. One, not every woman is vocal, and if you're expecting that as an affirmation of your abilities as a lover then your hopes will sometimes be misplaced.
Two, from what you've written, frankly you don't sound all that sensitive to what she's been through.
As to whether she in fact had an orgasm, only she knows.
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