A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm not sure if this post is going to be to explicit or not (I mean, I am speaking about porn and my boyfriend's interaction with it) so I'm going to apologise now before I start typing! I just stumbled across this forum and topic whilst searching the net for help and advice on porn issues...and thought you people might be ableto give me some advice.My boyfriend and have been together a year and a half and live together and he watches porn. Usually it's when I'm out or when he's staying at his parents house...but I discovered he's also done it in the past when I've been sleeping and he's sitting just across the room on the computer!That was actually when I found out he was watching porn regularly...I woke up and he was on route to the bathroom...I thought he seemed flustered so checked to see what he'd been doing...and found he'd been sitting looking at lots of girls naked.Most of them were touched up pictures of perfection (and all stick thin/young girls while I have a curvier figure)It was a bit of a shock and totally hurtful. Why does he need to look at other girls when I'm right there?When I confronted him about it, he first tried to deny it...but then when he realised he was completely caught, he got annoyed with me...but eventually promised not to do it again.Problem solved....or so I thought.About a month or so later, I was out shopping and came home to find him leaping up from the computer...This time when I checked the history...he had covered his tracks but left the window open that he'd been using...so when I clicked "back" on the window...it took me to some asian porn he'd been watching while I was out.Again he tried to deny it but couldn't.Now the first time I caught him I was annoyed...but this time...I was furious.Not only was he still getting off to other girls on the internet as soon as my back was turned, but he had also lied to me about not doing it anymore.He says he doesn't do it now...but I've come to realise that he's probably still lieing. And it's left me with hardly any trust for him at all. And feeling like I'm just not good enough compared to these perfect women.What's more is our sex life isn't exactly brilliant...it's always me instigating sex and about 60% of the time he refuses sex completely, even if I'm offering to give him oral sex (although he hates giving me oral sex). And he never compliments me at all...or try to make me feel better about how insecure I'm getting. He just gets annoyed at me.Whenever we do have sex, it's alright...but he always seems more into it after he's watched porn. There's been some nights he's come to bed after watching porn and wanted sex, but then when it's been a while since he's seen any he seems totally uninterested in sex with me. What is wrong with me?My first thought was that maybe he's just not as attracted to me as the porn girls?I feel like I must be hideous, but I know I can't be, because other men have shown interest in me. But I would never act on it because I only have eyes for my boyfriend and don't even feel attracted to anyone else.But whenever another guy even so much as looks at me or talks to me my boyfriend gets crazy jealous (he goes in a mood if I even mention another guy's name)...so that must mean he does see me as attractive if he feels the need to be so possesive?Maybe he needs more variety than just seeing me naked?I don't know.Either way it's hurtful and makes me feel like I'm not good enough.After a year and a half of being with him my self confidence is completely shattered and I'm extremely insecure about my body. It's gotten to the point where if someone else compliments me, I nearly break down crying...and I don't even know why! It's so pathetic...A lot of girls/women say that they aren't bothered by their men watching porn. I wish I was like that! But to me, him jacking off looking at other women or thinking about other women is just another form of cheating...especially when it could be effecting our sex life. I feel like porn has caused serious damage to my relationship and to my self-esteem.If anyone has any advice that could help me maybe deal with this better, I'd be very grateful.I feel like I'm losing my sanity because of all this.
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female
reader, beckybloom01 +, writes (3 June 2009):
I went through exactly the same thing and am still reeling from the effects months later, but have had some progress.
I started a relationship with my boyfriend who was amazing- told me he loved me every day, called me all the time just to say he missed me, sat up talking all night. the whole thing. I should have been more secure than ever...
But after a few months of this delightful man a horrible, self interested one, only in search of instant gratification reared his ugly head.
At first,I had been the sexually adventurous one- I was not a virgin (he was), I had watched porn with previous boyfriends together and I did not think it was a big deal. I thought every guy did it, it was normal, unavoidable and actually quite fun.
This is before I had a deep emotional attachment to someone who put porn and his visual and sexual pleasure before me, time and time again. There were many incidences of his fantasised infidelity- he woke up one saturday morning and i rolled over to start kissing and he got up, went to the toilet and masturbated. I watched through the crack in the toilet door and cried. He showed me pictures of one porn star he was compltely obsessed with and kept telling me how beautiful she was, he had around 20 pictures of her on his phone, and about 5 of me. This kind of thing kept happening.
MY BIGGEST MISTAKE WAS TO BLAME MYSELF.
I spent about 6 months fretting about how terrible I looked, I looked up all the girls he had ever talked about or mentioned and did random searches of 'hot girl', even searched his name to see if I could figure out what sites hed been on. I needed to see what I was up against. And, of course, every time there was no chance I would ever live up to the perfect bodied, smooth skinned, tanned, flawless women prancing about on the internet.
This continued, as i have said, for a very long time. It completely shattered my self esteem and made me really quite depressed and very angry with all men. It was the cause of countless arguments between us, and I became a paranoid, whiny girlfriend, suspicious of every move he made. I hated myself for being this way even more than I hated myself for not looking the way these girls did.
However, one day when he was away on holiday (and so in my mind, masturbating at every possible opportunity)I felt I had cried about too much to deal with it any more.
So I gave him an ultimatum
I told him that he could not love me and care for me in the way that he claimed to and still continue with this whole porno obsession. He knew I was insecure about my looks (I had previously struggled with anorexia) and that, although he wouldn't hesitate to tell me I was beautiful, actions speak louder than words and if he continued to be this selfish and thoughtless then I would leave him. I told him that if he thought he could just hide stuff more that one day I would find out, and that would be it. No discussions, no negotiating- I would leave.
This really shocked him and he seemed genuinely sorry and thoughtful about. He told me that losing me was not worth it. He also said that making the woman he loves this unhappy, insecure and upset was not worth a few sexual reliefs infront of his PC.
To this day, i still struggle with the thought that he could be doing anything when i am not around. But we have come very, very far from where we once were. He acknowledges how I feel and does not tell me to 'get off his back' about it. He understands the gravity of what he did and he truly believes it is not worth it. He has even offered to 'let' me cheat on him to make up for it. (But that really isnt going to help anything...two wrongs..)
I also have some close male friends who, although they do masturbate, do not watch porn. I believe my boyfriend still does masturbate and, as you will read on almost every website men just DO do this. Not all, but most. It is horrible and it is hard to cope with after these kind of problems, but its true. However, he is not as obsessed and self involved as he was during those months. I really think that sitting in front of a computer jacking off whenever you feel like it is unhealthy and creates a really damaging attitude to sex and to women overall. Since he has stopped doing that not only has our sex life got better, but he has been much more emotionally open and genuine.
So, all I want to say is the problem may not go away completely. but TALK about it. Openly, completely frankly tell him how you feel. If he cares about you he should agree that coming a few times is not worth losing you, or ruining your confidence and your relationship. Once he has realised this, then he does care for you. Then tell him there are consequences for his behaviour. (literally spell it out like hes a kid) and be fucking serious.
but you have to talk about it. a proper sit down, serious, important talk.
hope this helped xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): I am going through the same thing.My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. I have expressed to him over the years how uncomfortable I am with him watching porn, and though he had promised me that he would stop I know that he hasn't.There was one time in particular...where we were about to have sex and realized that we had no protection. He asked me to run to the store to get some really quick and that we would pick up where we left off when I returned. Well, would you guess that by the time I had gotten back he had already taken care of himself with the help of a little porn. This was years ago...but to this day, I still get sick just thinking about it.Whenever I check his computer history (if it hasn't been cleared) I always find something totally explicit...and I can't help but feel entirely insecure about myself. There must be something wrong with me. Lately, this whole issue is really bothering me. And I almost don't want to be intimate with him. I feel too insecure to even go there, because I am never going to measure up to the perfection of internet porn. I get nervous to be with him all of a sudden.I know this doesn't actually help you at all....but I can relate.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): Men and women view sex differently, for men its more physical and for women its more emotional. If you are feeling unwanted because he spends all of his time looking at porn instead of focusing on you, then he is not fulfilling your emotional needs and this needs to be addressed, its a double edged sword however, because if he spends more time on the computer then he does on you, you may not be fulfilling his physical "needs", I'm using the term loosely. If he is addicted to porn, which is rare but possible, then only professional counseling will help. Most of the time, if you would act like the girls in the videos he is watching (obviously thats what turns him on, and this only need be in private) He would have a lot less interest in it. If you don't feel comfortable doing this, the maybe you two are not compatible. Once again, its a double edged sword. Make sure he knows that you are doing this to fulfill his needs and at the same time he needs to fulfill yours and give you the intimacy and emotional connection that YOU crave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): I am sitting here reading your situation and I can't help but cry! I am in the exact situation. I once again found more porn on our computer. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and we have sex maybe 4 times a year if I am lucky! This whole situation is awful and makes me feel ugly and so unattractive. I am not bragging by any means... I feel he should be kissing the ground I walk on and he should feel like the luckiest guy in the world because i am with him. I AM NOT unattractive. I have men hit on me everyday! Yet my boyfriend would rather watch his porn and completely ignore me. i ask him what is wrong with me and he always replies with "It's me not you". Yet the situation remains. Tonight I not only find the porn he leaves on the computer for me but it has labels like Cousins... Father this and that... Mom and Sister... My guess is it is incest porn.. This is disgusting and something I am sick to my stomach by. This will be the hardest thing to question him about. I know it will be but it can't go without questions. Please someone help me... what do I do... ??? The worst part about this whole situation is I do not want him to touch me. If incest is something he is interested in.... I have to leave him. Right?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): thank you for writing this. I have no advice but I'm in the same situation and feeling crazy and it helped me to know that I'm not alone. His denial when he thinks I don't have evidence, and his anger when I try to talk about it?... these are possibly even more hurtful than the actual viewing of porn.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2009): That makes me really nervous because I found porn videos downloaded onto my current boyfriend's computer (which he denied he even remembered having- typical guy) Then I found a porn site at the top of his website history. I feel like I'm not enough when he has to resort to watching other girls to get off.
It made me feel soooo insecure, I just wish I would do these things to him so he can see how it feels. And he also promised me that he wouldn't do it anymore, but I don't believe him at all. Now he even deletes his history just so I can't see it. I think that is a red flag that he is obviously hiding something. Guys are just liars, even the good ones.
I don't know what to do about this situation and am glad that I'm not the only one that feels this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): I have been exactly in your shoes, I felt hurt also.
Guys dont get it at all how much it affects us women. I was attracted to other men too and spent the night with one coz my b/f only had eyes for the pc. We stayed together but when I told him why I did it, the penny dropped!
While I dont agree with my actions I needed to feel wanted again and your boyfriend has to know what your feeling and what could happen. Women need to feel loved and have attention from their partners or what do they think will happen??? derrr
Talk to him honestly how its making you feel, dont get angry it just makes it worse. But tell him you need to be able to trust him. Ask him what he wants from you that he is not getting. I hope you work it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): I'm so sorry to hear all this, it is repeated way to often in our society.
First and foremost, let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you! Your boyfriend, however, could have a serious problem that reaks more havok on relationships than alcohol or drug addiction.
There are many web-sites popping up to address sexual addiction and what to do about it, but since it is not your problem, you can only help yourself and hope that your boyfriend will soon figure out that he needs help. I doubt he will. There are too many conflicting messages in our society and we our only now coming to understand that porn is indeed addictive and can be the cause of a relationship failing. One of the more alarming things, for men that is, that we are coming to bring to light..is that over an extended period of time and with constant porn and masturbation abuse, men loose interest in sex with their significant other and when approaching the age of 40, loose function (i.e. erectile function). This can happen quickly, but more likely happens by exposure over years of abuse.
You can get support and information about this at recoverynation.com or npsupport.net
My heart goes out to you, there is no worst torture in the world than to lay next to the object of your desire and not be able to touch or seek comfort in him.
P.S. lingerie and porn imitation by you will not help one bit, so save yourself the embarrassement of trying.
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