A
male
age
36-40,
*lo Jack
writes:Ok, I've just very recently started at a new, temporary job, and there's a girl there that I'm really keen on, she's 100% GF material, and I'm actually 80% sure that she's keen on me too! Problem is, messing things up with the fairer sex is my specialty (I seriously think I have Asperger's), it's been 7-8 months of me messing up with girls, so my confidence is shaken and I wanted you guys' take.I've already asked her out twice already! The first time was after I met her during my job training, a couple of momths ago. She said that we could go out but until a couple of days later, when I was going on a trip (she didn't know this). After I told her this she said that we could go after I came back.When I did come back from my trip, I went back to job training, where I caught glimpses of her every now and then...she seemed to be really into me (always looking straight at me when she walked by and being all smiles) so I thought...hell yes. After work, I chatted her up again on whatsapp and she seemed to be real chatty...right until the point where I mentioned the whole "going out" thing again. She blew me off saying that she had to study for her period exams (which realy were taking place around that time) and that we could go out after that. Thing is, she never texted me back, so at this point I thought....oh well......right until the time I started working! It's been 3 days and I've seen some pretty positive signs...mostly the fact that whenever I take my 15 min break (and I do so at random hours), she's quick to follow and we always chat for a bit, her body language being all flirty and stuff (she's always playing with her hair when she talks with me and laughing at my ungodly stupid jokes). Hell, last time I took my break I did so way after I thought everyone else had...imagine my surprise when I saw her walking my way...Smooth sailing so far, you might say...problem is I have a tendency to mess up on these things...for example, this last time I saw her instead of telling her how nice she was looking (it was 'Casual Friday' and she had done her hair and was looking real nice) I said something unfathomably stupid about how I had almost peed myself at work (she laughed and I guess I sort of fixed it by asking her about her mom).Also, another big deal I guess I have to mention...I did facebook stalk her (OK so maybe I'm sorta crushed)...only to find out that she has a BF...something that she hasn't mentioned so far so yay I guess right? I'm not so keen on stealing some poor bloke's GF (like that's going to happen) but like I said, this girl seems to be 100% GF naterial for me, and keep in mind that I'm very, very picky...
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male
reader, Flo Jack +, writes (1 June 2014):
Flo Jack is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response Mark1978Duly noted on the whole 'girl's taken, move on' aspect of things...I just wanted to say, I mean, I don't know how I come across on my message but I actually do have some experience in the ways of love...no 40 year old virgin type situation here, thank the heavens.As a matter of fact, the only LTR I've ever been on resulted from a similar situation, where I (inadvertedly) 'stole' somebody's GF, and I've actually had some entaglements with married/engaged women.I do agree with you when you say I'm desperate...the thing that's really getting to me though, is the fact that I'm apparently incapable of making a girl I actually 'like' my...anything really (these past 7 months have been hard; I was in a 1 year long friends with benefits thing before that). Couple that with the fact that I'm seeing ALL of my (handful of) friends get engaged/hitched up to the point that every get together ends up with me being some kind of odd-numbered wheel and well...you'll at least empathize a bit.And really, I can't be that desperate if I haven't gotten hitched up yet...the thing is, I really don't want to settle, even though everything seems to point to that being my destiny...
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (1 June 2014):
 Flo Jack, part of moving on from your struggles with dating is to start chasing SINGLE women, and moving on from those you cannot have.
I suspect this girl likes you because you are not like the tough guy, cocky types who are constantly giving it large and trying to impress her. She likes your shy, sensitive, perhaps slightly awkward persona as she feels safe with it, but, and its a big but, she is taken.
If you try to actually have a relationship with her it will open a big can of worms. Her BF wont shrug his shoulders and stand by and watch you walk off with his girl. Even the nicest blokes can be very nasty when that kind of things happens. Plus, even if her and her BF split up she would be on the rebound, missing him, etc and your relationship would get off to a bad start.
OP im sorry but you are making the classic mistakes of someone older but not very experienced...I was the same myself by the way...you are refusing to let go and accept that this isn't going to work, to be blunt, out of desperation. I used to be the same so I am not critiscising. Because you are 27 and not yet had a relationship, or very little success with relationships, you are clinging to the notion that this girl could be for you because, in the kindest sense possible, not many women have shown such interest. You see her as the sort of only hope. Been there, done that myself so I know what its like.
I also know what its like to be reasonably old for figuring out the dating world and being frustrated and all consumed by wanting a relationship. As a result we behave irrationally - we amplify or exaggerate any suggestion a girl likes us, while ignoring or glossing over blindingly obvious problems such as them having a boyfriend.
I don't think you need therapy, but you do need to start making a more mature, sensible stance on your approach to dating. You also need to work on your confidence. I know what its like to be the guy who acts daft, says funny things and who comes across as being, if I may be so bold, a bit pitiful and clearly inexperienced. Your original post and follow up is very self depreciating, which is exactly how I used to be. Being like that will very rarely get you a girlfriend, but you will get the odd girl feeling sorry for you ;-)
Its no good clinging to forlorn hopes, get out there and chat women up!!! SINGLE WOMEN ONLY!
Mark
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A
male
reader, Flo Jack +, writes (1 June 2014):
Flo Jack is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I guess you guys are right about the whole BF/not dating me thing, but I'm crushing on this girl dangit and I can't help saying 'but still'...I have considered the whole "likes the attention" angle, but then again there are at least two other guys at the office that are constantly, CONSTANTLY vyeing for her attention (they're actually way way smoother/more social/louder/talkative etc than I am...remember that I'm a bit of a klutz) and she has a lot of rapport with them...but then again she seems to be seeking me out (at least it seems so in my sad, sad mind's eye)...I'm actually amongst the older persons working at that job.I know, I know, what starts badly ends badly etc.And yes, I'm still figuring out the ins and outs of the dating world at 27 years old and I never, ever seem to make any progress AT ALL...sigh. I really think I need to get therapy but I don't want to blow all my salary on that, so you guys will have to put up with me for the time being...(I know you didn't mean it that way Tisha-1, it's just that I'm getting really, really, REALLY frustrated with my dating/social incompetence)
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (31 May 2014):
 I've got to agree with the others... She knows you like her and likes the attention. She's got a boyfriend, that's why she hasn't gone on a date with you yet.
I'd leave her be for now. Enjoy flirting with her, but keep it at that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Hi Flo Jack, still working out the mysteries of the dating world, eh? That's good!
Now, to this specific girl, you say you checked her FB and it shows she is in a relationship? So she IS GF material, the thing is, she's already someone else's GF.
She's not going out on dates with you because she has a boyfriend. She may enjoy your jokes and will touch her hair when she's with you, but that does not make her available as a dating partner for you.
I would cool your jets on this one. Don't get your hopes up and do clarify with her if she has a boyfriend. "So Sondra, you're a great girl and I'm wondering if you have a significant other? I'd like to take you out on a date if you are single."
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (31 May 2014):
If she wanted to go on a date with you then she would have done so by now. You have asked her twice and given her plenty of encouragement and it has not happened. She should have told you she was spoken for, or at least declined your invitation of going out. Instead she chose to keep the fact she had a boyfriend from you and continued to pursue you as if she was single and wanted more. Why? Because it strokes her ego to have you flirt with her and show interest. Perhaps her boyfriend isn't paying her so much attention or she is feeling a bit undervalued by her partner and is enjoying having you flirt and make her feel good, although that's not to say she is going to leave her BF for you.
I don't think you should read to much into the hair fiddling and laughing at your jokes, she may do that with everyone. Perhaps, for example, you and her are the only younger people in the office and she likes being around someone her own age? No disrespect but maybe she just likes hanging out with someone at break time outside of the people she works with constantly?
It does sound a bit like she is maybe enjoying the attention you give her and is playing to that for an ego boost. Maybe there is a genuine attraction but as you said, you don't want to attempt to steal another mans girlfriend!
Even if she is perfect for you in everyway, and you like her a lot, the fact remains that she is spoken for. Her boyfriend is not going to evaporate into thin air. Even if the two of them split, or she left him for you, which is unlikely, its hardly the best start or good base to build the foundations of a relationship. If you now know that she has a boyfriend don't get following her on Facebook, stop flirting and keep it strictly friendship. In the work place there is always gossip and people may assume the two of you are seeing each other and that could get back to her boyfriend. These things have a habit of doing so. You don't want him waiting for you outside work to persuade you impolitely that you would be better of avoiding her in future. Never get involved with someone who A: Has a boyfriend and B: works with you.
Mark
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (31 May 2014):
 She is simply enjoying the attention, she has a boyfriend so is not available.
Not mentioning this rather large hurdle means she likes that you like her, but by refusing to actually go out with you, is showing that she is loyal to her boyfriend.
I would ask her outright next time you share a break, about her boyfriend. Just say 'I hear your seeing someone', then watch her reaction.
Stay friends but don't pin your hopes on this one. If she breaks up with her guy then you will be around and a friend with a shoulder to cry on. In the meantime, get out there and meet others.
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