A
female
age
30-35,
*ringsTheNight
writes:For almost 2 years I had a wonderful relationship with a beautiful man. Even when he became an Air Force Officer and we had to do the long distance thing for over a year we remained very close and would visit each other frequently. We both have decent incomes and would split the cost so it was never a huge financial burden. We got along great and were very much in love. I gave my heart completely to him. I wanted to marry him. I still do.At the end of August, I flew down to see him for 10 days. We had a wonderful time and I felt closer to him than ever. He told me he loved me every day and was very affectionate. Everything seemed perfect.Around the eight day of my visit I did notice a change in him though. He became distant, but I just thought it was stress from his job or something. He would hold my hand but not look at me and he just seemed...sad. I asked him if something was wrong but I couldn't get a straight answer, he just said it was stress.A few days after I got home I get a call from him. He's crying. (He NEVER cries!) He says he hates to do this to me...but he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. He's no longer in love with me. I was devastated and asked him "why?".He says he has no idea why his feelings changed and that they changed in a matter of about 2-3 days. He says I was a perfect girlfriend and didn't do anything wrong. That I'm more beautiful than ever. That it's not the distance and that he's not cheating on me. But he has NO explanation for why he feels this way so suddenly. (He had wanted to marry me a short time earlier, he said.)The whole time he was telling me this, I could see the tears rolling down his face since it was via video-chat. I've never seen him cry at all before, let alone sob like he was. I cried too...I still cry everyday thinking about it almost a month later.We haven't had much contact since then and I don't know what to do. He said he needed time and space to "think" but he doesn't think his feelings will change.The few times I have spoken to him, I've had a hard time keeping my emotional cool. I've cried, told him how much I loved him-that I would do anything for him, that I could make him happy. Everything. I've tried reasoning with him but he says he doesn't know why he feels this way so suddenly and he doesn't think he can change it.He's coming home to see his family over Christmas and I'll have the opportunity to see him then. I'm hoping we can talk face to face and maybe when he's had time to miss me his perspective will change. But what should I do/say when I do see him? Should I contact him 'til then, or just cut all contact and wait 'til Christmas? I've been avoiding making any contact with him for the most part since I only seem to make myself look foolish. :(
View related questions:
christmas, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (27 September 2009):
 Specifics:
1. "But what I want to know is how long should I withhold contact for?"
About 30 days unless he calls you first.
2. "I was thinking about calling him right before he comes home for Christmas and making plans since he said that he would see me over the holidays."
Yes, call him then and make plans closer to when you know he'll be home for the holidays. If you're close to his family, try and coordinate your plans with them so that he doesn't have to pick and choose.
3. "How should I act and what should I say when I do see him?"
By yourself. Be kind. Most of all don't be judgmental; be forgiving. Be good to each other.
A
female
reader, BringsTheNight +, writes (27 September 2009):
BringsTheNight is verified as being by the original poster of the question Can anyone specifically answer what I asked at the end of the question? I know it's tempting to just say "move on" etc. But what I want to know is how long should I withhold contact for? I was thinking about calling him right before he comes home for Christmas and making plans since he said that he would see me over the holidays. How should I act and what should I say when I do see him?
...............................
A
female
reader, Roxie 23  +, writes (25 September 2009):
I feel for you, as i am also going through something similar.... however i just found out that mine spent the weekend with someone else ... we too have a long distance relationship... and i'm devastated by what's happened to me... i haven't had any contact with him. it's been a week. and i know he is expecting that i will be the one to come crawling back. but i am standing my ground i have done nothing wrong. nor have you. you need to fight the tempation of contact him. these are grown men they need to start acting like it. Misleading you or stringing you along till they decide what they want is unacceptable. either they want you or they don't. they can't have their cake and eat it too. you are worth more than that. if you keep your focus on him you may miss out on the opportunity of meeting mr. right. live your life and things will fall into place where they should. do not call him. hold your head up high and move forward. you aren't the problem. he is.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Let him go, if he loves you he will come back. If you dont you are puting the inevitable off and going to hurt even longer.
Sometimes we need to lose what means the most to us before we can appreciate it. I feel for you but let him go.
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (25 September 2009):
This is so very, very sad. I think he has a lot of doubts.
Let's see if this can break down a little easier.
First of all, he's right. Its not you. Apparently you're the perfect woman for him in his life. You appear to be very patient and caring; and you've devoted your heart to him so completely. There's no question he knows that he has been the luckiest man ever.
The real thing going on here is his own heart. He's involved in some sort of deep struggle and whatever it is, he either can't tell you what it is, or he's afraid to tell you what it is. Ordinarily trust comes into place, and intimacy and acceptance all help to open him up to find out what it is he fears or is hurting him.
But from what you're saying this is so deep and affecting him so hard that its breaking his heart to even think it.
I would say that being cool and occasionally just being supportive might help. Not foolish, but simply asking him if there's anything you can do to make him feel better, to let you know. But that's about it.
He's involved in some sort of struggle and until he comes to you, and tells you what's going on inside, its going to be very hard to know.
I hate to think he's letting himself fade away like this. Sometimes that happens.
There is one suggestion though, and you should take this to heart. He may be seriously concerned about your happiness and he's afraid to tell you this.
In today's military a great deal of servicemen and women are being changed rapidly because of deployments and long tours of duty. And its possible he's seen what this has done to other families, and he is so deathly afraid of harming you in the future.
If this is his concern, its one that is forcing him to let you go so that you won't ever get hurt by him. That would explain the tears and the terrible anguish you've seen.
If this is the case, then you have to be prepared for it, and know if he does come back to you and you do stay together that its a possibility.
It may be that he loves you so much that he doesn't want that to happen to you.
Its a thought to consider among the other thoughts.
Certainly, from what you've said, he seems like a very good man. Perhaps he's thinking more about your well-being that you know and fears telling you.
...............................
|
