A
female
age
51-59,
*ickeyD
writes:I am faced with a new problem in regards to my fiancee of two years. It has become a new habit for him to not follow through with what he says he's going to do. For instance, he'll tell me he'll be at a friend's house till 8pm and then he'll come over, but instead he will stay later and not call me. Or he won't show up at all. Always with the reason of "my cell phone died, didn't want to drive under the influence, etc. It's happening more and more these days. We have had a routine for the last couple of years (because we both have kids from previous marriages) where Fri-Sun he doesn't have his daughter and will spend the time with me (and with my kids if I have them). Well, now it seems come Friday I won't hear from him. I'll call him and not get a hold of him until 10pm. When I ask him why he didn't call me to tell me he was not going to make it over, he doesn't have much of an answer and apologizes. He was too busy lying on the couch watching TV.I have never liked this kind of behavior, especially in adults. I don't tolerate inconsiderate actions like this, and this new series of events has given me cause to not proceed with our relationship. I have spoken to him about it, and he understands where I am coming from. But his selfishness (the complete opposite of what I have seen from him in the past) is increasing. I can't see myself dealing with this for years to come...no one should. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I can't rely on him, or trust him to follow through. Even today he said he'd be over around 2pm after working on a car with his brother. I doubt he'll follow through and completely expect him to be late due to his new track record. What I am wondering is, what makes people do this sort of thing? I know no one is perfect, and we all have our moments of mistakes. But to habitually do this to someone, especially someone you supposedly love, is beyond me. If he wouldn't do this to friends and co-workers why does he do this to his fiancee? Is this narcissism?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2008): I am so sorry to tell you this and it is the LAST thing you want to hear, but he definitely has someone on the side. Disappearing for hours is not the same as being inconsiderate. Not picking up the kids from school and going to the gym instead, or saying that every Tuesday is date night and never going anywhere with you, just staying home, not doing chores you both have agreed he would be responsible for; THOSE things are not following through and would be considered inconsiderate. Not disappearing for hours with no contact, that's the biggest sign you could possibly get. You can confront him, but most likely he'll deny it, unless you know a way to get it out of him (with my ex it was when I told him to swear to God. He always fessed up then). Do what you need to do to find out the truth. It is NOT his decision for you to be O.K. to sharing him.
A
female
reader, Marlie  +, writes (1 September 2008):
I'm only 18 and only really know what I've managed to read over the past year. So I might be talking bollocks.But that said, here's what I think. I think you should not let him continue with this new habit, by whatever means you think neccessary, because I wouldn't want to risk it getting worse or becoming an established pattern in your relationship. You sound pretty sensible and even said that you "don't tolerate inconsiderate actions like this". It might be that because you're his fiance now, he might feel like he's won the chase and is taking you for granted. If this is the case, you might end up feeling like you've settled once you're married, which would be naff and not really what you deserve.He might just need to remember that you are a high value women and are actually worth the effort he was putting in before. Remember how you used to be and see if you've changed in any way, and see if it fits in anywhere. Anyhoo, hope I help =)
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A
female
reader, claire4uk +, writes (1 September 2008):
hi,
I think he is an inconsiderate fool. There are obviously things going on in your relationship that are making him not want to spend as much time with you but blokes being blokes he will not tell you how he's feeling. My advice is to speak truthfully to him without shouting and just tell him how his behaviour is making you feel. He may open up and talk but if he doesnt then you need to protect you and respect you and show him that you won't put up with being treat in this way. Don't give him an ultimatum. Just tell him he's not making you happy anymore and you need some time by yourself to take care of you!! you are worth it!!
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