A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have dated a lot in my lifetime, but I was in love only once...and I blew it. I'm writing today to get help, perspective, and advice on how to move on.What you need to know is that my parents divorced after 20 years, I have been so scared of committing to someone for fear that after 20 years of devotion it will just end. I realize now that I'm older, it doesn't quite just end that way, it takes 2. But my fear is I've ruined the only opportunity I'll ever have for real love.I've dated a lot in my lifetime, casually. My longest relationship had been three months until I met "this" guy. He swept me off my feet, he was everything I prayed for in a man. When he wasn't what I viewed as financially stable, all I could see was "this is a huge red flag, I can't do this! Can I? What if it fails?" And then panic set in. I loved him but I always felt love was faulty and logic should be adhered to. My early 20's logic was faulty in my now opinion. Anyway, after becoming scared I truly pushed him away, and he knew this as he said "you're pushing me away and I feel like I love you and you don't love me back. It hurts." So I told him that I was scared and I didn't know what to do. We both mutually decided that a break up would be best, and he cried brutally, telling me that I'm the only girl for him and that we have to end it, but there will never be another woman for him, that he will love me and find a way to be with me no matter who he sees in the future. This triggered something in me at the time to think "This is going to work out after all, if he loves me he will wait for me and prove it and then I'll know for sure that if he can wait for me, this will all be okay." He didn't wait. He rebounded, then came back and wanted to be friends. I was hurt, I lashed out...we weren't friends. He rebounded again, they broke up, we became friends. He told me I was the best he'd ever had and we talked, but I was too scared to tell him I wanted to date him again, and he was too scared as well. So we flirted by text and we talked, then drifted apart again. This happened a million times over the course of 2 years after our break up. The time I regret the most is when he asked me to come spend a weekend with him and I agreed, but when I got up the next day my service engine light was on and instead of going I simply used it as an excuse to stay home. My thoughts were "If I go and I break down I can't afford to fix this and have it towed" and "If I go and fall in love again, what am I supposed to do? What if I hurt him? What if he hurts me?" So I stayed and told him, and he was disappointed and we stopped talking for a while. His voice had been so excited when I told him I had intended on visiting and then I hurt him all over again. After a while, I'd invited him to Tennessee and he agreed to come up, but he was now dating this new girl. This girl that I thought was just another rebound attempt to distract us from what we needed to do - work it out and get back together.So he didn't respond to me for a while, I blew up his phone will calls and texts, feeling as if he was rejecting me and purposely trying to hurt me. That, of course, pushed him away. When we did talk I lashed out in anger and pain and told him it was rude that he ignored me for six month, he said "well you told me not to talk to you in your last text so I didn't." I wanted him to simply say "no i'm not coming up" or "yes, I'll still be there" as what had happened was he was supposed to get a tire before he could leave to see me and he never wrote me back to tell me if he would be able to do that. Rejection.When we talked and I had calmed down, I told him that I missed him and implied that I still cared and asked him if he cared for me. He said that his new girl was his "everything". I asked why he was talking to me if she was his everything, and he said just to be friendly. After 2 years of this non-sense, he just wanted to be friendly? IS that even possible?? He later posted on facebook that same night "It's not about caring anymore, I'm not going to eat the same crow you keep feeding". Implying that he does care but my lashing out is more than he is willing to tolerate.I don't fully remember after that, I felt betrayed and I'm sure I suggested since he's in a new relationship perhaps he should focus on that and not on being so friendly with me. I was broken. I found out a few months later that she accidentally had gotten pregnant, and being the amazing loyal guy he is, he married her.Here's where I need help. 1. Why was he talking to me and planning to see me if he just wanted to be friends? Was that true?2. He posted on his facebook this year a memory from when we went on vacation together, a photo I took of him, saying "The craziest trip I'll always remember." Does this mean he still thinks of me?3. I believe that our love was meant to be, and that it was unfinished. I believed that he was the one and that I just needed some maturing time. That was crushed after the pregnancy. I won't talk to him because he is married, but what am I supposed to think? Has he truly moved on? How do I move on from here when I compare every new guy to him? No one is comparing, no one has ever been so loving and attentive, so kind and compassionate. 4. Is he really happy with her? I see his facebook posts and I want him to be happy. How do I know if he is staying just for the kid or if he truly loves her? I cannot reach out to him, I have damaged enough of this. I just want to know he's okay with out having to ask him directly because that would be wrong. He posts that he loves her and she posts that she loves him, but my heart tells me sometimes that he can't love her because he has to still love me. Why else would he post our vacation photo on his page? He posts the sign that is an interstate sign that would take him straight to me with a caption that says "I love seeing this sign". I know he could just love that city, everyone loves that city...but that city was OUR city. He was with me, living in that city, loving me in that city. 5. Am I just blinded by what could have been? What should have been? Am I missing a ghost? Did he ever love me at all? Does he still love me? Has she replaced me? Did I really screw it up that bad? 6. How do I move on from this? I've talked to guys but I'm just disinterested in them. their personalities are boring to me compared to him. I'm in a new relationship now and trying to press forward, but I know we're just going to end and I'm not going to care because my heart is not in this one.7. Will I ever be able to love someone again?8. Lastly, I didn't realize any of these feelings until this week. I had thought of him time to time, mostly thinking he's going to get to take care of the mistake he made and I do truly hope he is happy with his choices. I never cried over him past that day 3 years ago. I chose to move forward. But last month I Had a dream we were back together, completely out of the blue, hadn't thought of him at all. And so I spent a day grieving, but got over it. He's married, I'm happy single I told myself. And I was. But this week it hit me: IM the one who screwed up the relationship. He was everything I prayed for, how can I ask for a husband like him when I screwed it all up with him. Could he have been my only chance for love and a happy marriage? So why now, after three years of thinking I'm over it, is he suddenly in my head? I have cried 4 days straight. I know better. I should move on. But HOW?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 October 2016):
 Did you think he was going to wait forever for you? Look he told you she is his everything and he just wanted to be friendly, I think you read in to this as he still loves you. He is married now so you need to forget him. Block him from social media and delete his phone number, it is not doing you any good checking up on him. It is almost like you didn't want him until you actually could no longer have him. You hurt him so many times, promised him things then did not turn up, lost the plot at him, became obsessive, he had enough. That probably killed the love he had for you. Now you need to accept that and move on. Yes you can love again if you allow yourself. Learn from the mistakes you made with him and don't mess with peoples feelings again.
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (10 October 2016):
 Honey, HE'S MARRIED. Move onYou cant rethink these things. I wonder why you broke it off and then proceeded to talk to him for YEARS and never wanted more. And now that hes married, you are crying your eyes out. Im reading your post and just shaking my head. If you loved him, you would have gotten back with him immediately and didnt try to test his loyalty. Obviously he had rebounds but what guy wouldnt? Men seek self esteem in other women, if you break his heart, he will try to pursue sex with another girl to try to fill his emptiness (women do same thing as well, its not gender based to have rebounds).Move on. He is married. He wasnt forced into it, he chosed her and now they are starting a family.Youve played enough games with him. Sometimes we get what we deserve and in this case, you should learn never to play with other peoples feelings or to give them hope that youll get back together while just testing their loyalty. Promising youll drive over to see a man and then pulling it away is like trying to snatch away candy from a kid's hands when you promised them a treat. Youre hurting them again and again, let it beYes you can love again. But it will take a while for you to be okay. First you must remove immaturity out of love and focus on being a loving human being then you can focus on dating again. Its not the end of the world. Youre just going to have to be a new you and thats something you should be working on right now. The past is the past, look forward to the futureGood luck
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