A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I know that I am attractive with skills and a sense of humour that inspires people but most of the time I would like to keep a few people close to me. I think it is safe to say that I am an introvert. My boyfriend of 6 months yesterday asked me a question that left me feeling guilty, he asked me why am I always in doors? I didn't know what to say because I don't always want to be in doors. I'm working on myself being able to be happy with myself alone since I recently let go of my fake friends whom I thought were my true friends at uni. I find it difficult to connect to other people on a deeper level and I don't know how to talk about it. I have been researching about the project I want to start all this time in doors and I think I am ready to start it but also I don't want to share it with anyone including my boyfriend until it is up and running. On facebook people don't like my posts/pictures anymore, am I losing it? Don't get me wrong, I don't depend on facebook likes to feel pretty or loved but seems like people just got over me. Should I continue feeling bad? If anyone understands what I'm going through, what is the secret to complete happiness without depending on others to accept you for who you are and to get them to respect your decisions? I aspire to be a great leader someday but I get scared sometimes it's overwhelming. What is with the "systems" that most people follow growing up with the mentality that happy people are those who have many friends or a group of people always surrounding them? Why is it weird for people to see a young pretty lady going by herself and immediately assume that there is something wrong with her? I am perfectly fine, I just need people to understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2016): Young people with questions like yours bring out the best in me. I am happy to respond to your question.
I'm a loner by nature, but I have made many friends you might say by default. People like you and me, march to our own beat. Sometimes we look behind us, and there are folks marching with us, and sometimes not.
I avoided being popular in high school and college, yet people somehow knew my name. I liked flying just below the radar. Yet they'll notice you, because you're different. They assume things about you, if they don't know you. You shouldn't care. I've learned that I have helped more people who don't know me than people who do. Not even for the glory or adoration, just because I want to and I can.
I laugh at people who have hundreds of followers on Facebook, yet they've never met any of them. They call these strangers friends. These same people wouldn't recognize you if they passed you on the street. They only add you, because you're just another number to increase their list of names and faces to make them feel special.
I am anonymous, and just getting a "thank you" from a stranger, friend, a neighbor, a family-member, or a colleague in my day to day is enough for me. Popularity and notoriety have never been one of my personal pursuits. It is important to me to leave a legacy and to have a purpose.
If you are a kind and compassionate person, somehow it gets around. It's not always based on your beauty or how smart you are, my dear. It's how you enrich or enlighten the lives of others in any way you can. Even if they never actually see your face.
I was single several years after my partner passed away. People felt it was their duty to find someone for me; because at the time, I just appreciated my independence and privacy. Just as you do. I still do, even while having a boyfriend. Everyone was telling me a nice guy like me should have a boyfriend. I at first felt it necessary to explain myself all the time; then my sister asked me this. "Are you content with your life and does it have purpose?" I am a spiritual person, and I follow the teachings of my faith. I was able to answer her "yes." I get joy from helping people; be it doing volunteer work, writing for this advice column, or just being someone's shoulder or support.
You don't have to have a fan-base to make you feel special or accepted. You must give of yourself for the satisfaction of having purpose and being able to give. It is never important to count the quantity of friends you have, it is the quality. I too have ejected a few false-friends from my life. I still care for them, but I realized they offered nothing positive, only negative. I couldn't count on them, and they were takers and haters. I don't deal with that.
Your boyfriend asked you a profound and important question. Not to imply anything is wrong with you. He was wondering how someone in his eyes who's so wonderful, is so sheltered from the world.
Sweetheart, I know it is by choice; but something is calling you. You are now working on your purpose. Whatever that is, be committed. You don't have to explain who you are, it only matters that YOU know. Others take notice of your good deeds and kind gestures, but may never know your name or recognize you on the street. Then there will be times when the word gets out about you; and next thing you know, you're on everyone's A-list. It's how it happened for me, and I see something similar about you in your post.
Don't ever feel insignificant or require the validation of others. Focus your energies on purpose and giving, and in return you will receive great joy!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2016): I had the same problem when I was your age. Im now 29. Its because youre growing up and the people you knew havent as much. Just keep active, study, work whatever. Take it from a self made millionaire by 29.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2016): I have the same problem, I've been like you all my life, but just don't pay any attention to others' opinion of me and the way I am. I'm now 55, still attractive and look like early forties so I'm told. I'm confident, happy and very independent. I don't need other people around me and in fact I don't want it and don't much like it. I am also an introvert like you, but like chatting and socialising for short periods of time. I have gone dancing for the last fifteen years and when I'm single, go on my own. This amounts to travelling to areas of the south east a few times a week on my own, cos I love to dance. I hear nothing but surprise, ('you're brave!') and sympathy because people find it hard to believe that this is the way I'm happy. They think I'm someone to be pitied and yet I feel that way about them. They seem unable to do anything or go anywhere on their own. I see the same group of people going to the same venues to dance, year in, year out. Clinging to each other like life rafts. I am so grateful that my independence gives me such freedom. If I want to go somewhere I just go! No organising and timing and lifts. Yeuch. Not me. But most people I think are this way, they can't walk into a room on their own and can't understand why I can and am happy. I have a great time, I'm approachable because I'm alone, I meet people, laugh, dance and go home and shut the door, having had a good time and happy to be alone again.Why would you feel bad for being you if you're happy that way? Be you and others will be the way they are. You sound interesting and intelligent. If you're happy with you that's all that matters. We can't pretend to be someone we're not and that's what's unattractive in my opinion, someone who's not comfy in your own skin.
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