A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:please help me... I have been married to a man I love very much for 8 years this is my second marriage, I left my first husband because he used to hit me, the day I walked out on him was easy because in the end I hated him....but I don't hate my 2nd husband, he means the world to me but I must leave him before I make myself ill or crazy or both The problem is that he is a serial love cheat, cheating mainly emotionly with girls he meets through work, done month his mobile bill is £500 due to the excesses amount of text he sends.. I caught him texting on our daughters first birthday and Christmas day.. I called this woman and she said they were just friends but she hoped for more as he told her we lived seperate lives (he also did this in his first marriage) I caught him texting someone today and have kicked him out, but it hurts so much, I feel like I want to die I also thought such a vile selfish man would be easy to spot but he comes across as a chamer and has made me trust men again and dare to let down my guard... I have a disabled son and I told my husband I would only introduce someone I saw a future with.. That my son shouldn't and couldn't go through another break up.. He promised he would never hurt us or let anyone hurt us... I can't bear to live my life without.. He has made me so weak... I know I will have to get through for my kids but how?? My heart is physically achy.. Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Is he good to you in other ways? Does he love you? Does he love your children?
You say "cheating mainly emotionally" - has he actually had sex with other women?
I don't mean to be mean at all but the fact is that you can only control what you do and how you respond to the situation. Why would you make the choice to bring down on yourself and your family the hell of a divorce - the pain that keeps on giving for decades in the case of your children - because a man who is otherwise loving to you and your family gets some kind of extra validation in his mid-life phase (which will pass) from flirting inappropriately?
The fact that he is being selfish is not an invitation for you to be selfish yourself. Be a big person and apply love to the situation. Say "Sweetheart, I know what you do and I don't particularly like it but I love you and so long as you are discrete and I can pretend that I don't know I'll keep on loving you. If you put me in a position in which I can't pretend that I don't know and everything is over."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Caring guy said it all! 100% great advice...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): You are following a pattern of abuse. He is abusing you and you allow this to happen with clear cut evidence.You need to go into therapy and stop attaching yourself to these men. There is something wrong with you as you are the common denominator.You allow this to happen to you. It has to stop and think of your children, they will copy your behaviour.Be selfish. The pain of leaving him will fade.Grow some courage and strength.Your children are number one.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 November 2009):
You did the classic abused woman thing and went from one terrible partner to another. You're not weak at all, and this is something that you can get over. You did the right things kicking him out. Now it's time to focus on yourself again. I really would recommed that you get yourself some therapy, and perhaps your kids if they're affected. You need to talk to a proffessional so they can get all your feelings out into the air and help you understand them. Not all men are bad, but if you're vulnerable, it makes it harder to see them because you're looking so hard for love you miss the bad in them. Focus on your life and that of your children. They need you to be strong for them, and you can be with the right help. Focus on you and become more independent. You will get there, but it will take time and energy.
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