A
female
age
36-40,
*REATIVE PRINCESS
writes:Dear xxx,I have a problem and i hope you can help me. I am still in love with my ex, but it is not as simple as you think. I just cant stop thinking about him. I hope you have time to read the long story below. If not, please give me tips and ideas on how to forget guy you truly love and move on. Below is the long story of how i ended up in this mess.First of all, let me tell you about myself. I am an average girl who is extremely shy (but trying to work on gaining confidence). I am a smart intellectual who accepts reality of the way things are. I love science and order in my life. I try to live peacefully with everyone I meet and keep good friendship with them. Until now, I had prided myself of not having any enemies. I may have had arguments with people but I kept good relations with them. I am also very good natured and helpful, which has gotten me into problems like the one I am facing now. On relationships, I have always believed that men are tricksters and I have avoided them at all cost. I have seen how they have hurt women by abandoning them, sometimes when they are pregnant. I have seen, by experience, how single mothers struggle to bring up their kids, which is very heart breaking. That is why I have decided to remain a virgin, to this day, to avoid these troubles.All the troubles started last year when i was still in college. I used to be much happier then. I never cared for a relationship. I had everything going on in life. I had a part time job and went to school. my career prospects were high and the future looked bright. It was then that i got assigned to a class where this guy i met was. At first we were casual friends.He was very popular at school, funny and extremely extrovert. I on the other hand was an introvert, but i was a geek and good at everything I did. I tried to help him and everyone in class coz i was more talented. One day he walked me to the bus stop as we talked cassually . From that time on he started asking me out but I said no coz he was always the joker in class. One day he asked me to explain some concepts about a program we were learning. He kept on claiming that he did not understand until the teacher who was present asked said that he was taking too long to ask me out. I said that i would think about it. I do not usually get into relationships because they are always a great disappointment. Most of the guys i was meeting wanted a sexual relationship. So i went home and thought about it then i decided to give it a shot. if it worked out, it worked out, if it did'nt, it didn't. Plus I figured that since everything in life was going well, well why not? So the next day i said yes. i wish that I would have said no and spared myself a lot of pain. Then, the day after he asked me to be his girlfriend, he started to ask when i would sleep with him, to which i was shocked. I told him soon(it was really never). For the next few weeks, we saw each other in school. Then i started noticing that his friends were saying/hinting that he has another girlfriend. In addition, i also noticed that his friends/classmates never recognized me as his girlfriend. I got so depressed, was i not good enough for him? maybe i was not pretty enough I decided to go on a diet and to try to improve myself. I bought new clothes and changed my cosmetics. Meanwhile, I was still depressed about the ‘rumours’, so one night i decided to call him and confront him about his feelings for me. I will never forget the answer he gave me that day.I asked him "Where is this relationship going?" he said that i should forget everything that he said about our relationship and that he was just "joking". I was so crushed and hurt, upto this day, for the humiliation he put me through. I cried bitterly that night. But I decided to try and save our friendship, I wanted to get essential software’s and tutorials from him. He had a good network for the things i would need in the future. That was mistake number 2. Four days later he asked me what i ment when i called him on the phone. I said it didn’t matter. All this time after the breakup i acted as if everything was fine.To make things worse, I had fallen in love with him, so I would get depressed everytime I had to leave him despite what he did to me. I secretly hoped that he would come back . We remained as good friends at this time. Exchanging Ideas and things we needed. But during this time, he started to form a habit for telling me sexually suggestive stuff eg I would say something innocent and he would put in a sexual context. I pretended not to be irritated by it but at times i would ask him to shut up about it (when i could not stand it anymore). we would also watch porn on the phone in class sometimes and i would give negative comments about it ("shes faking it....its not real their actors"). I did all this to try to maintain our friendship plus i was still in love with him. I could have just slept with him anytime to get him but I always felt 100% that he would leave me anyway. I was also very sexually attracted to him. During the December holidays and new years, we did not speak to each other or see each other. When the school opened he asked me why i did not call him. I asked him why he did not call me either (I had wanted to call him but I wanted give an impression that we were just casual friends that didn’t matter). The usual drama continued and i kept up with it. In my heart i loved him but i desperatly wanted to hate him after what he did and the way he was treating me. I wanted revenge for my humiliation but my love for him kept me weak. Then one day i did something stupid. There were no classes so me and a friend went to the cyber cafe to exchange some data from my flash disk. The guy was there so we asked to use his computer. I got carried away and flirted with him. The next thing we went to a corner with him and i kissed him. I regret it up to this day. Then two days later he tells me that he has a girlfriend while in class. I get so angry and depressed for having let that happen. Now he knew how I felt about him, which I did not want to be let known. But despite telling me this, he still continues his sexually suggestive behavior. I felt sorry for his girlfriend and myself for loving such a jackass. Sometimes, I just marvel at how stupid I have become. Once I threw rocks at a guy who made gross advances at me in the streets as I was walking home, but look at me now!!!! My friends wondered what the hell I was doing??? But love does not make any sense, doesn’t it?The college education finished but we had an option for extra classes if we wanted. i decided to leave and try to find a better job due to some family issues. While i was at home at night, i recived a surprise call from him about a seminar to do with our course. A friend could not reach me so he was calling me on his behalf. I decided to go to the convention. on the convention he arrived late and introduces his new girlfriend. I didn’t stay at the convention coz i had an appointment with my mum to go shopping. That was the most saddest shopping trip i have ever had. I cried again that night. How could he treat me this way considering how I feel? I thought that he would be sensitive about my feelings and that he would try to at least maintain our friendship.Nothing happened for some few weeks. He called one day and asked me if we could exchange cds. i decided to go. I hadn’t seen him for a while and I missed him so (stupid me). when we met, I just wanted to give the cd and go away from him as soon as possible. but he convinced me to stay. we did some casual talking (he was trying to get information of whether I was seeing someone or that I had slept with someone recently, I was doing none that) as we walked along the streets when out of the blue he asked if i knew any good VCT (AIDS testing facility) coz he (and his girlfriend) wanted to get tested. my mind went blank for a while before i told him some place. How could he ask me this? Are you supposed to ask your guy friends or something??? soon after, his girlfriend came and they left together. I was left confused that day. Me and my friends could not figure out why he would say that to me. My friends also told me that I was in denial since I was telling everyone we were still ‘friends’. I was also starting to feel like an idiot always running whenever he called. Few weeks later, he asked if we could exchange some CDS. He had i really important program i needed which was hard to get, but i didn’t want to meet him(after being humiliated) i wanted to send someone to give it to him and i think that he must have sensed it and said he would like me to go over something we learned in college. Because of my stupid humanitarian/compassionate nature, i decided to meet him. we exchanged CDS.Then i went to a computer to show him whatever he wanted to know. It was at this time that he gave me (or I forced him) to give me his email and to send me a request on facebook. He assigned me pal group in facebook. His girlfriend was on his facebook page. He has never even asked me to be on his facebook . Then while i was showing him the stuff he wanted to know , he called his girlfreind. He told her that he was with me then he gave me the phone to talk to her. she said hi then hung up. i finished showing him whatever and i left. from that time onwards i decided that i wont take any bullshit from him. I decided to delete his number from my phone. It was about this time that I met guy b and was developing good friendship with him. Also, about this time, I would go to his face book profile just to ‘see’ him. I never commented on his page and he was never on facebook anyway. I also searched for his girlfriend. I had become sort of like a stalker.A few weeks later, he called again. but because i had deleted his number i could not recognize him or his voice. he said that he had a CD and he wanted an exchange with some things i had. He said that he would come and pick up the CD from where i worked. I agreed. From that time i decided that this would be the last meeting with him. I had found a new job and I decided I needed a clean life away from this misfortune. The guy b had asked me out and i accepted (but I was still in love with guy a). guy b had known everything guy a did to me, but he let me make the decisions. He was very open and understanding of me. He said that I could quit the relationship anytime I felt it was not working out and he would treat me right. I decided that when he came i would tell him not to communicate to me anymore and that our friendship (or whatever) was over. He never showed up on that day. So i called him at night and told him never to have any communication with me and that our friendship (or whatever) was over. The next day i got a message from facebook saying:“Hello XXX I don't know what brought the issue of the tutorials up.I always knew and thought that we were good pals,nothing sexual or otherwise, am currently working with Amman and Guevine at a company known as Hot Circle where I found that they had downloaded these very same tutorials ie; The Bullet and I called to inform you so but my call went unansered,since you called and requested me not to call I shall adhere to that,if you wish to continue being pals on face book I shall leave to you to decide but, all in all, I have no hard feelings with you and I hope we contine relating well when we meet and interact ie; on forums concering animation.Thanks for being my friend, I dont have a lot and I appreciated your friendship, Thanks, J.”I decided to write him a goodbye forever letter. In that letter i confessed my love for him and the good times that we had his good qualities etc etc. I read somewhere that the reason I still had feelings for him was that I did not have an emotional closure. I cried when I was writing that letter. I had never asked anyone not to be my friend anymore and I was doing it to the person that I loved. I got this response the next day“Hello XXX,thanx 4 taking the time 2 read my mail an that we remain pals an its ok. Caution though about the guys ,protect yourself is what ad tell you cause its not worth risking precious life over a moment,you know? Hope you find someone responsible,anyways thats all 4 now and all the best!!!”To help me deal with the pain, I tried sleeping with guy b, but it did not happen(the full sexual act). At the time of the ‘act’ I kept on thinking about him. I wanted him to be my ‘first’. I felt so bad because guy b gave an A+ performance, not rushing me or forcing me to anything. I stopped the ‘act’ saying it was a bad time of the month and I was afraid of getting ‘pregenant’. He tried convincing me to use a ‘condom’ or ‘withdrawal’ but I just said no. After that he never called back. I still see him and talk to him on a casual basis. We have never talked about that day. From that time to this, I have not contacted guy a, neither has he contacted me. I still have his number on my phone, facebook and email details. Sometimes i get temped to reach him but i manage to convince myself not to do it for all the hur and pain. I still go to his facebook profile to see what he writes. He has posted nothing so far. I cant get him off of my head and i have tried so hard. I still fantasize that we will get back together some day. But in reality, this will never happen. I get so angry to think that he is with another girl and maybe they will get married and have kids together. Despite all this, I would/Could forgive him for all that he has done to me. I am getting worried each day coz he is always on my mind. I feel that no other man can touch me and i dont want any other guys baby. Sometimes i think that if i cant get him, I should get pregnant with his kid, then hide away from him forever. I feel sorry for myself because I am afraid that i wont be able to love any guy like i loved him. I will just marry for the purposes of 'company'. i want to move on with my life. I want to be able to form relationships with other guys. But for now, i can't. I feel that everything I do today is for him. My current hairstyle is the one i had when he first asked me out. I have lost weight so maybe i can become his Ideal girl. My wardrobe is subconsciously built for him and i love to wear what he liked or clothes i was with when we were together. I have had two dreams about him. The first is that we held hands at my work place like when we were in love. The second is that he was making love to me. How I wish the second one was true!!! He affects me subconsciously. Please help me with some advice if you can. Thank you. hopless.
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confidence, crush, depressed, facebook, flirt, get back together, has a girlfriend, move on, my ex, porn, revenge, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Time will heal.. Don't call him, stop looking at his fb page. Keep yourself busy and you will forget one day.
This guy doesn't love you, he loves his girlfriend. There is no point worrying about why he acted this way. If you want revenge then forget him and get on with your life.
Yes I know it hurts, but it will hurt more if you don't get on with your life and stop obsessing about a guy who doesn't deserve you and has made it clear your just another computer friend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I agree that he never really made you think that it was a serious relationship to him.
To you a kiss meant that you cared for him...but for him, it was just a nice time.
You are truly becoming obsessed and you need to stop. Find someone else, and move on with your life. You have made yourself very available, and he knows that you love him, and yet he doesnt feel that way about you. He hasnt tried to make you feel that he is in love with you.
He likes you and enjoys your friendship, maybe even a best friend type of relationship, but he is NOT in love with you... and i dont think he ever will be.
Please see this for the fantasy that it is, and move into reality. It is much more rewarding. Good luck, mal
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): how long were you even with this guy? i find it hard to believe you were truly in love with him if it wasnt even a long lasting relationship. i went through a very similar experience when i was like 12 or 13. i cried for years after my first real girlfriend cheated and then broke up with me. 6 years later i forget that it even happened unless something brings it up. the first cut is always the deepest. dont stay attached to this guy.. he isnt deserving of you. move on to bigger and better things. once you get over your feelings for him, you will be able to be in a decent relationship with another person and see clearly. good luck.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Hey there,
I read your story. It seems to me that you are building this relationship into something it never was. The guy had a girlfriend all along. You warned him off right at the start and he responded by just being a friend. Ok so he jerked you around a little but you are living it out in your head, imagining scenarios and 'what if's' when there are none.
You need to forget him. The love you have for him, isn't based on a previous happy relationship, it's built on a fantasy and thats a dangerous place to be...it can lead to obsession.
Really you need to forget him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Faithhopelove  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Hello Creative Princess. That first love is always the toughest to get over. But you can :). Please stop being so hard on yourself. And just a note. Anytime you have to change who you are for someone the relationship will always suffer. Take time off of thinking about mr a and start looking in the mirror and loving you. Men are attracted to confident women. Nothing is ever hopeless. Have Faith that everything happens for a reason, Have hope that there is a higher power who wants the best for you, and LOVE YOU!!
Spend the energy you have wasted on this fantasy on taking care of YOU!!!
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