A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey, guys. I'm here asking for advice on getting the girl. It's not a specific girl but just someone who I can settle/be with.About myself: I'm 6ft, shoulder length tidy hair, semi-muscular and I do get quite a few women saying I'm cute. The problem is, I'm not much of an emotional guy. What I mean is, I don't really say a lot that is on my mind. If I think a girl is cute, I don't say it. If I like someone, I usually avoid them. I grew up getting my heart break often so my natural instinct when I see someone attractive is to outright avoid any communication.At first this was a good defense mechanism in keeping my heart from falling into despair once again, but what I've realized is that I've built such a reinforced wall around myself, I completely made myself lonely and I'm finding difficult to express myself to girls I like. I don't think it's the rejection I fear. I think it's the acceptance THEN the rejection. I feel getting to know someone and then loving them and then someday losing them is one of the most hardest experience to go through. I should know. Even after saying that, outright rejection is still pretty depressing.I want to change all that. I want to put myself out there and find her. I'm just so tired of watching all my friends hook up or go off with their girlfriend or boyfriend. I'm tired of feeling like the third wheel at the table. I'm tired of being put in the friends zone because I didn't make my intentions clear enough in the beginning. I want to cast aside this shell of mines and step back into a relationship. Help me to do this, please. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): "I'm tired of being put in the friends zone because I didn't make my intentions clear enough in the beginning."That's not exactly how the supposed "friend-zone" works. Sometimes it works that way, where a woman was interested, but because you weren't clear in your intentions, she went to pursue someone else. A woman will be interested in you from the beginning or gradually show interest after being around you and seeing your personality. Or NOT at all. She'll never be interested in you. It's not always about being direct. You can make your intentions as clear as day, but if a woman feels no tingle, nothing's gonna happen. Don't start thinking being direct or worse, being a jerk, is definitely going to make you score. Having confidence does though. Be someone you would want to like and be around - with traits that are usually admirable (considerate, thoughtful, well-rounded) and genuine. Don't be nice just because it's part of your game. Make friends. If you're only focused on getting a girlfriend, you might not realize how strong you come off and some, not all, women will be wary of you. You best avoid the "friend-zone" pitfall. It usually leads to people, usually men, pitying themselves and even vilifying women for practicing their right to say no. Not saying you are, but avoid that danger! Girls, woman, boys, men, transexuals, etc. have the right to say no. Also, don't align your confidence with getting affirmation from the opposite sex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2014): Maybe try to use an intermediary. Can a mutual friend of yours and hers talk with her first to break the ice, and see if she would be open to having you call her to ask her out? It might be the little jump start that you need. Most of us started this way when we were pre-teens and teenagers, but I don't see why that might not work for you if you are just having trouble getting up the courage to initiate contact.
Also, try not to put too much stake in immediate rejection. If you ask a girl out and she says no, you have not lost anything. Sure it may hurt your feelings a little but it just frees you up to ask another girl out that could be the one for you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 May 2014):
 Accept that you can't avoid rejection, it's a fact of life. NOT everyone is going to like you. And that isn't because YOU aren't good enough. OR because there something wrong with you. JUST like you aren't going to like EVERY person YOU met. That is just life.
If most of the girls in your friends circle see you as purely friend material because you don't seem to make an effort or make your intentions known, then you KNOW what you do wrong.
Work on talking to EVERY girl you met, whether you are attracted or not (and I don't mean HIT ON every girl) - just small talk.
Don't start out thinking I NEED a GF and I WANT one, NOW! and then pout because you don't have one. GO out there and learn how to be yourself around girls. My guess is that you can be cute as a kitten and come off as a standoff'ish guy, in that case cute means nothing.
FOCUS on your social skills. OBSERVE your friend if you are the third wheel, observe other guys.
Girls are not a different species.
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