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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: My mom brings out the worst in me. She complains about Everything from doing her own laundry, cleaning her own house and overworking herself even when she is not in good condition, making her condition worse. I was recently left by my fiance who is also the father of my child. My mom never liked him but when she found out he left, she started liking him and acting like she is supporting me. I believe my mom wants me to end up miserable and unhappy like her. My father sleeps in a separate room from her and when they are not in their rooms they are arguing about unnecessary things like dishes etc. My dad is always out alone clearly doing his best to avoid her. My relationship with my was not the best but I wished I had support of a loving mother at that time when things were not so bad. I am willing to get another man and get married and move out. I learned a lot about relationships from the one I had so I feel ready for new love but keeping it secret because I don't trust my mom can keep information. Today I lost my temper on her after she undermines my mothering skills. Even though we spoke about this before. I told her to back off and let me raise my child. Everything I know about children she undermines it, from me breast feeding my child to me bathing him twice a day she complains a lot. I'm tired of her. When we have visitors she highlights all the negatives so that I can react and always end up looking like the bad ungrateful daughter. I'm tired I feel like the fastest way out is through a responsible man and a wedding. I've been on a few dates in secret and there is someone I like a lot and he has been so good to me so far. My ex on the other hand has been calling me, because of how things ended with him I felt betrayed and I'm trying to move on with my life by ignoring his calls. I don't know what to do now to avoid losing it with my mom. I have four months to go at home until next year. I'm going back to varsity next year to fix my life so I can get it together and leave home for good. In the meantime I don't know how to deal with mom. She is nagging I can't think straight around her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2019): Wait...You are thinking of getting a man so you can move out???? What the heck????? The last thing on your mind should be getting a man.What you should be doing is working so you and your child can move out of your mom's house alone not with a man.You should learn to live on your own and be happy with yourself before any man is in the picture.Then when you do meet a man you do not move him in.You date for at least a year and do many background checks before you even let him meet your child.Then maybe four or five years down the road you get married.You have a child.....your first job in life is to always put your child first.It might seem like crazy rules to follow when you meet a man but this will weed out the bad ones hopefully before they get a chance to hurt you or your child.Remember men always act better and nicer when you first meet.That is why you must really take your time with any relationship because in time all the man's behaviors will show them selves.You can do it.Set a good example for your child.Get a job or two and move out be on your own.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 September 2019):
 Op, I am sure you CAN cope until you get back on your own two feet. Use this as a learning experience. You will meet people like your mother throughout life. Learn NOW how to handle them and how to get the best out of them. It will serve you well in later life.
As for viewing marriage as purely a business arrangement, that is the hurt talking. Hopefully you will get past that in time.
Re your mother running you down in front of visitors, just smile sweetly, shrug and say "Things are different these days, mum". In this way you will show your maturity and come out smelling of roses.
Before I leave this, just one more "food for thought" bit of advice: next time you get into a relationship, perhaps wait UNTIL you are married before having children? That way you are more certain of your partner's commitment. I know we live in the 21st century and increasingly fewer people do it this way round but it is still worth considering.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 September 2019):
 Good luck , OP
I think you will do good for yourself and your son, as you seem to think about what YOU can do to keep it civil with you mom.
As to anon male who claims I ALWAYS jump to advising people to break up... no, not always but in general by the time people get on DC to ask for advice they ALREADY have a dead relationship, abusive relationship, uneven and unhealthy relationship so YES in those cases I DO think both the OP and kids can be better off without that partner. ULTIMATELY, the OP makes a choice - not me. I just give food for thought. I have seen plenty of "repeat-OP's" who stay with their partner and keep coming back to DC because things don't change, is still not working and that is OK too. But In this week alone I have mostly suggested that OP TALK to their partners, not just "dump" them.
I this OP's case... well they were already broken up and SHE wants to move forward, so cutting contact might be best for them both. HE (her fiance) chose to break up with her AFTER making a baby with her.
And lastly, male anon, maybe you should consider just giving advice and not critique? You have your life experience, I have mine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019): All of you have taught me something new today. After my ex fiance left me I began to view marriage different. I loved him, thought he loved me too enough to create a loving partnership and build our lives together. I was wrong now I see marriage as a contract or business partnership. I can't afford to get emotionally invested in a man again like I did with my ex who took my love for granted and played me for a fool. I filed for child support from my ex I will be getting a maid to help me raise my kid when I will be in varsity next year. I really love the thought of taking mom out for lunch, I will try that next weekend and see how it goes. I understand all what you are saying, life is hard, adulting is not easy, I learned the hard way. I was a smart kid in school never thought that I will find myself in a messed up situation like this. Thank you all for your perspectives I'm beginning to view the whole situation from a different angel. I hope I can cope until I get my life together. Xoxo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019): Your Mam sounds like a wagon to be honest. But she's unlikely to change. Try not to focus on her changing because you can't control that and keep your eyes on the prize. You said four months and you can move out again? Keep counting down those days and remember this phase of being back at home will not last forever. You can manage anything if it's temporary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2019): Your Mam sounds like a wagon to be honest. But she's unlikely to change. Try not to focus on her changing because you can't control that and keep your eyes on the prize. You said four months and you can move out again? Keep counting down those days and remember this phase of being back at home will not last forever. You can manage anything if it's temporary.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): You're living under your mother's roof; therefore, you give her permission to criticize your mothering, and to nag you. Technically, you are again the child. They are are again the people who take care of you. Like it, or not!
Adult-children returning to the nest fail to keep this in-mind; and complain about how irritating their parents are. They raised you to adulthood, why are you back?
The remedy to your problem is to find your own place. Not a man to provide for you. The man to provide for your daughter is her father! Get child-support worked-out through legal-process. It will lighten your financial-burden. I do assume you work a full-time job? You should be! It will expedite your plans to get out of their house! You may claim you do work, but how would anybody know that's true? Your mom doesn't get to tell her side!
Parents gave us life; so they get a certain amount of privilege to tell us what they think in their own homes. That privilege is revoked when they cross the threshold into your home. On your turf, you get to filter or moderate verbal-exchanges; and set your own house-rules. Rules are reversed in their home! They get full-freedom of speech and expression! You don't like it? Leave! If they don't like your house-rules? They leave! You still don't get the right to be unjustly disrespectful to them!
You ARE somewhat ungrateful, if you live with your parents rent-free; or for some minimal contribution to the household-fund. Who's doing who a favor?
If you can pay them rent, then find yourself a cheap place to live for that amount; until you can do better. These kinds of posts are pretty common. The fact is, you're an adult; and so is your mother. You're cramping her style! Her personality is to complain and criticize. You knew that before your moved back home! Who refused you that privilege? It's not a right.
You're crowding her and your father in. That may even increase their conflicts and disagreements. Too many people in limited space, no privacy, or people feeling they've been encroached upon; sometimes stirs-up resentment and suppressed-hostilities. They sleep in separate rooms? That's their business. They fight too much? That's also their business. Details you wouldn't have privy to, if you weren't in the thick of it!
You criticized your mother throughout your entire post. You also criticized her mothering-style. I'm sorry if it was a hurtful childhood. Maybe you could talk her into attending some family-counseling with you.
Let she who is without sin (or faults) cast the first stone, my dear! What goes around, comes around!
Wait until your daughter is your age, and you'll sense deja vu!!! You'll see all her faults and weaknesses; and she'll see all your deficiencies as the ideal-mother. You'll consider her disrespectful and ungrateful. I don't care how hard you'll try to be the opposite of everything your mother is, and was. Your daughter is going to find fault in you; and you'll see every imperfection she has!
Such is life, my dear! Parenting is hard! It doesn't make all your other personal-problems and emotional-issues go-away. Look at the mess you're in! Your daughter should have a stable home; but things aren't there just yet. Life happens!
If you always thought she was a lousy mother; than it follows as a teenager, you rebelled. It's highly likely you didn't hesitate to make your feelings and opinions about her more than apparent to her. You'll be her daughter until the day either of you leaves this planet; so, she may always criticize you. Ever presuming she has a parental-right, or prerogative, to tell you what she thinks concerning your life. Her delivery may suck!
The best way to keep people out of your business, is to put reasonable distance between you...and/or keep it to yourself!
To think you'll get yourself out of your parents' house through marrying someone (to dump all your troubles on) says a lot about your own way of thinking and mindset. Marriage is not a means of escape from a unhappy situation; or to get yourself out of financial-trouble.
The purpose of marriage is to form a loving-partnership, and to raise a family. If you think it's your ticket out, should you be surprised you might get a bit of criticism? Preferably constructive-criticism. Putting you down and crushing your self-esteem, or spirit, comes from an evil place. You don't have to tolerate it, nor deserve it.
You should maintain some level of respect for the people providing a roof over your head. For both you and your daughter. When your life has gone wrong; and you needed a place to turn. Your parents have flaws, and so do you! Who else did you have to turn to in your time of need? In spite of the fact, she isn't whom you'd consider the ideal-mother!
Just hold-on, develop some tolerance and immunity; or find yourself another place to stay.
If you plan to use a man as your means of finding a better life; you may just find yourself back to square-one, with yet another kid in-tow. You've got a lot to learn about life; and you really need to give your mom a break. She's got some real issues, and you've dragged your own baggage into her unhappy life. Unfortunately, that's the breaks!
My guess is, if your mother got tested for depression and anxiety; she'd be off the charts. Be more understanding, there's a reason she is the way she is; you yourself aren't perfect.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 September 2019):
You do appreciate that your mother didn't HAVE to take you and your child into her home, don't you? She has done her parenting. You are now an adult and capable of standing on your own two feet. Do you realize how lucky you are that your parents allow you to live in their house with your child? I know people who, in your situation, have been told they are adults and on their own and been refused return to their parents' home. Never stop reminding yourself of that.
Your mother sounds like she is stressed, overworked and possibly depressed (or menopausal?). Do you actually help her in the house? Do you do things for her like she used to do for you when you were a child? Now is the time to pay back a little of what she did for you through your childhood. Show your appreciation of what she is doing for you by taking some of the stress off her shoulders. Cleaning, tidying, dusting, cooking, washing the plates, etc, may not seem a bit deal but, for someone who is depressed, it can seem like a mountain to climb.
I understand it must be very frustrating for you when she questions your parenting skills but child rearing has changed since she reared you and she is probably just trying to be helpful. Would it hurt you to actually ASK for her advice occasionally, so that she feels wanted and needed? Even if you don't agree with what she says, listen to her and let her feel like she has a contribution to make. Discuss things with her, even if it is only how raising children has changed over the years.
As for finding any random man to marry just to get you out of your parents' house, do that and I predict you will be back in the same situation before you know it. It is worth investing time in getting it right so that you lessen the risk of having to return again.
Cut your mother a bit of slack. You can't control what she does or says, but you CAN control how you react to it. If she says "Nobody helps me with the dishes", jump up with a smile on your face and say "Sit down, mum. I'll do them." Run a vac round the house without being asked. Tidy up and clean up as much as you can. Offer to cook a meal instead of expecting your mother to do it all the time. Could you sit down with your mother and spend some quality time together occasionally so that she feels you appreciate her?
You have 4 months where you NEED to rub along together if you are to stay under the same roof (I assume you have no other options, otherwise you would not be there). As your mother seems incapable of changing, YOU are the one who needs to step up and show how mature you are by making allowances for her, showing her you appreciate what she is doing for you, helping her as much as you can and generally not allowing her to get under your skin.
Come on, you can do it. Do it for your child if you can't bring yourself to do it for any other reason.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): Yes moving out is the best course of action out of your situation with your mom.
I strongly disagree with honey pie who from a number of posts, is always quick to urge couples to break up. As though people are to be used and discarded. I would advise you for your sons sake to try and make it work with your sons father. If he wasn’t abusive or a cheat, I’m sure you can forgive whatever mistakes he’s made. Maybe he got cold feet, he’s human after all.
Your child needs both parents. You keep growing you keep learning. No one is perfect and no marriage is/will be perfect.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2019):
THIS is who she is (right now and has been for a while, I BET YOU she isn't happy with herself either, she knows she is failing her marriage, herself AND you.) She knows.
What she doesn't know is how to dig her way out of this funk. She is now in an toxic "relationship" with negativity. For her it seems the only thing there. She will complain about the same things OVER and over, yet do nothing to change them etc. Her husband (your dad) has checked out of the marriage and is in avoidance mode because THAT too is easier than trying to figure out and working on a solution.
A man and marriage won't solve any of your problems, nor your mother's.
As for your ex BLOCK his number. You don't owe him squat. Stop talking to him.
In the mean time WHILE you live at home, TRY and anticipate some of your mother's needs. Like doing the dishes, help clean up after yourself and your child. YOU know what needs done (she complain about it often enough) so GET off your ass and help without HAVING to be told! Common courtesy. If you live there rent-free (or even if you pay rent) you can STILL help her out.
If your mom starts on a "negative" conversation, see if you can divert her to a more positive subject. See if you can get her to come out for lunch with you, for a walk or to the park with the little one.
ACCEPT that you mom is in this dark hole and she can't see a way out. HER release (so to speak) is the negative talk. Sounds like she is depressed and could use not only help but maybe a visit with her doctor?
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (27 September 2019):
Why do you think it's the responsibility of another man to put a roof over your head?
Do it yourself.
If you chose to move back in with your mother with your child and I assume rent free, then you can't really complain. You just have to suck it up until you save up enough for a deposit and move out on your own.
You say you will be going to University next year? Who will look after your child? Will the child stay with it's grand parents?
I hope that isn't the case. It's not your parents job to look after your child while you find your feet.
Have you considered how much harder it is to have a grown up daughter move back in to the family home with a child? The bills alone are higher. Food, water, heating and yes dishes. Do you pull your weight around the house?
Doesn't sound like you do.
Grow up and take control of your life. Move out and give your mum her home back. No wonder she's complaining.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2019): You must become independent financially and provide for yourself and your kid.
You can't wait for a new husband to take care of you.
Until you grow up, your mother will treat you like a child.
I'm not saying she's right or that you are whatever she says you are, but until you are under her roof she will do what she pleases and you cannot stop her.
In some relationships people use their "superior" position to belittle others. Parents do this with their children all the time. But the kids grow up and move out.
You cannot change her. The best you can do is move away.
You should also look into child support. Is the father of your child paying what he is supposed to pay?
Being a responsible adult means tackling things that are uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I cannot give you a shoulder to cry on. This would be enabling. The reality is that you must take care of yourself and the kid.
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