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male
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*urnzy32
writes: I'm 23, and my girlfriend is 19 and in her first year of college. We started dating in Aug, like 3 weeks before she left for school. I made it clear to her that things were going to be tuff and I didn't want to be the reason for her to use me as an excuse for holding her back from enjoying her college life. Now we are having major issues with our relationship. I admit I am openly a jealous person. I'm not a guy who tries to hide that and claims he isn't. Well from two weeks into our relationship there was an incident where she worked til 1 a.m and a guy she works with locked his keys in his car and she stayed there and waited till someone came to unlock his car, till 3 in the A.M, and didn't call me until 3:15 a.m. At this point I had called her several times, and she swears up and down nothing happened, she was being a good friend and didn't want to leave him by himself while he was drunk. Another situation happened the first week of school. She's a cheerleader for a university and there is a phone list. Well some male cheerleader helped her hook her computer up. I said okay, it's her first week; she needs friends. Well then a week later I seen she recieved two text messages from the guy saying that he liked her and couldn't stop thinking about her. She told me she didn't write him back, and there was no evidence that she did write him back. I was angry but said okay this attention was unwanted. Yet she still recieved about 3 phone calls from this guy at awkward times. Thirdly she had gone to a party with some cheerleader girls, gotten drunk, some guy bought her a shot that had 3 whiskeys in one shot. I know nothing happened this night because a friend of mine was there, but at what point do you draw lines and say okay this is right and this isn't right? The next issue we had was studying partners. She had given her number to two guys from her class to study with in the middle of the day. I was pissed and told her this was wrong, you don't do this when you're in a relationship. One guy was cool and they met and studied and it was nothing, the other abused the privelege and was calling her, asking about hanging out some evening. Time passed, we've had some great times and we use the Love word to each other but the newest issue which is going to decide if we stay together or not is she used to go to the rec center with a few guys from the squad, like 2 or 3 that I knew had girlfriends. Well now theres a new guy on the team and she went with him one day. I just need to know when do you draw the line of what's okay to do and whats not okay to do in a relationship. She says its cause he's part of the team and that it's different and she would not go with a guy from her classes. I say any man that's going to the gym to workout seriously isn't bringing a girl along with him. I am okay with them working on cheers together in a group, but I have a serious problem with her meeting up one on one with guy cheerleaders to lift weights. Am I stupid for putting up with this? Should I be childish and relatiate by hanging out with girls for spite? Am I being controlling? Can someone please help me? Oh one last thing to give you something to think about before you answer this, She attends college 40 mins from me, so Monday and Wed night she has cheerleading, Tuesday and Thursday evenings she voluntarily goes to gymnastics, and I'm left with maybe one day out of the week. This schedule has just happened within the last 3 weeks. So one day I ask out of curiosity will I ever get one evening night during the weekday, and I ask what's more important, gymnastics or having a relationship...and she answers I don't want to answer that.Later that day she apologizes for what she said and says it was out of self defense because she thought I was going to say she should quit cheerleading all together, which I would NEVER say. She and I can not agree on whats enough time to spend together, what's right or wrong to do when hanging out with people of the opposite sex. Please Help
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (26 January 2006):
 i am a bit like you i dont like my husband hanging out with girls at work or wherever, i am lucky cos my husband listens to the way i feel and understands and dosent milk relationships with girls anymore, he dosentloose out any cos he has plenty of men to hang out with and chat to and he has me, admitidly my insecurites come from the way he treated me in the past otherwise i wouldnt be bothered , but i wouldnt say there is a right or wrong amount like a line drawn for everyone that when crossed no matter who you are you are wrong , its different for everyone, the point is its making you uncomfortable, it dosent have to mean you dont trust her, i trust my husband i dont trust loose women. but it sounds like she is not feeling great about the way you feel.
the best thing you can do is talk to her from the heart about how you are feeling , say it would help if she showed some understanding towards you and considered how it would make you feel if she made close friends out of men ,hopefully she will be more careful about the time she spend with guys but at the end of the day if she still hangs out with men too much for your liking but you still want to be with her then try and realise its hard to get through the day when you are involved in so many things to not be around people of the oppsite sex and its you who she is with not them
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): When you talk to someone about something serious, make sure you explain from the point of view of your feelings and how you feel. Always explain like you need help understanding the situation.
You have to learn how to be jealous so that she feels some pressure but not too much so that it turns and dislike. A certain amount of jealousy is a good thing. Also a certain amount of not caring about someone at all can also make you less well vulnerable, that's the second method that I take but you have to know how the girl is thinking in that case and to figure out what is suitable.
If you think perhaps she might be vulnerable to someone else sometime, to have perhaps you would in the long term as well, perhaps you can figure something out.
Usually in a relationship, trust is a balance of knowing how much someone values you, knowing if they have anything to lose by cheating on you or whether they gain self-esteem, you have to be a judge of character. It is a balance of pressure and jealousy and saying you can throw someone out you don't care, kindly obviously, and making out like you don't want the situation to get muddy if you know what I mean.
It's good relationship experience in any case, have a look on the Internet for" jealousy advice"
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