A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few days after Christmas, my now EX of three months invited me to her place for lunch. When I arrived she seemed a little distant, and started crying. I knew right away that whatever it was we had, was now over...She said that she wasn't ready to live within the confines of a relationship, and gave the classic "it's not you, it's me" line, and that I was "the nicest person she has ever met", basically padding for my fall from grace...She suggested that at some point in the future when she was 'ready' that we could possibly resume whatever it is we had together, but I know that is wishful thinking. She at one point said "I would suggest an open relationship, but that would be unfair to you", to which I agreed. I think that hurt me the most, because clearly she wants to experiment with other people, and that just devastated me, and still does...She said that she wants me to be in her life, and as I left her place, she mentioned she would contact me in the future, though we both agreed to not contact each other for a while. She cried as I left, and as I closed the door behind me, I knew that was probably the last time I'll ever see her, and it just crushed my spirit...I realize that now that this relationship would have never worked out, but after two weeks of no contact, I am still struggling inside, and have not had one good night of sleep since the breakup. I have been in contact with friends and family throughout, but at night I struggle with my thoughts, which always open up emotional scars... This is the first time I've experienced this type of heartbreak, and am at a complete loss on how to get over it. I have been in a long term relationship before, but it ended amicably, so there was no heartbreak. If anyone has suggestions, tips or advice on what what happened, and how to deal with the aftermath, I would be ever grateful.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): I would like to thank everyone for the suggestions, you have been most kind and helpful.
I am approaching week 3, and this week was particularly tough. I reactivated my account on OKCupid just for fun, and one of the first profiles was... my ex with a brand new profile picture. I made a mistake and 'liked' her profile, but quickly unliked it and hid her profile. Afterwards I unfriended her on Facebook because it was too tempting... I was tempted to break NC and text her tonight, but I resisted. I will get through this, it will just take time. Thank you all again.
A
male
reader, Wheeler  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 The greatest advantage you have at this point is that you didn't date her for long. Oftentimes, though it may not SEEM like it at first, there is a correlation between how long you date and how long it takes to get over the relationship. Because you were still in the early stages of the relationship things probably seem very intense, but I think you will find yourself mending rather fast. The key, however, is no contact.
It is possible that she will send mixed signals, and attempt to reinsert herself into your life. This will almost certainly not be the result of healthy reevaluation and correct thinking on her part, so keep in mind that, unless whatever core issues that led her to this point have been addressed and overcome, no progress has been made.
Another piece of advice I have for you is that you not let her continue to dictate the terms of your relationship going forward. Whenever the person in the driver seat in a relationship is fundamentally a bad driver it will always be chaotic when they are at the wheel. You will be the victim of that chaos, now and in the future.
Now that this has happened, you can once again be in control of what you are going through. Don't give that up. You mention that SHE said perhaps in the future the two of you can could resume what you had (when she is "ready"). This is her attempt to maintain control even when the two of you are no longer together. And your next comment: "I know that is wishful thinking."
Dude! Don't fall into that trap! Believe me, I KNOW what you are feeling! The desire to be with this person is SO intense! It is a no-brainer for you, whether you want to admit that out loud or not. (At least, when I was in your shoes I knew that.) Just trust me, when you stick to having no contact, and just give it a little more time, you will quickly begin to get all of that very precious perspective.
The truth will reveal itself like a fog is being lifted. Feelings can be so fickle.
Writing down your feelings and thoughts during those times when you can't sleep, or can't get yoru mind off of her, will be very helpful. You will be able to see the progress you are making, and ultimately I firmly believe you will see how this can be overcome, and these feelings aren't going to kill you.
On the flip side (of writing everything down, which is dwelling on it), I absolutely agree with the suggestion that you find things to do, such as volunteering.
No matter where you are at in life, or what you are struggling through, fewer things can heal more, and bring more fulfillment, than doing for others. It is impossible to dwell on little (because that's what they so often end up being) things going wrong in your life when you are helping others, or seeing others go through REAL struggles.
I worked for some time at an animal shelter, and it is one of the most beautiful places in the world, to me. Whether it is playing with cute little puppies that have the most amazing personalities, or reaching out to some scared adult dog that has never met a kind human being in their life. It will change you. And you won't even realize you left your problems at the door.
This experience has left you feeling empty and crushed, this much is clear. Maybe it feels like everything is closing in on you and you don't have the desire to do anything. (Wow...so THAT'S what it feels like to be a televangelist!)
It will pass.
There's a quote that I love that has served me well in many different circumstances:
"Never let pain go to waste."
Figure out what you needed to learn from this, what you will do differently next time. Look for ways to grow into a better person (start volunteering at an animal shelter!).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2016): I know your pain, I've being going through it for, six weeks. Some nights I sleep OK, some nights not so good. All that talk people say keep busy. That's a bunch of bull. I tell you something, I hate to say this, she is not even thinking about you. She lead you on. I am sorry you feel the way you do. Its a physical pain, every one has gone through this before, but unless you are feeling this pain right now, its only a memory, with out the pain. I know the pain. It really, really hurts, I hope you feel better soon, I know that doesn't help. I feel your pain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 January 2016):
 You were together for 3 months then broke up 2 weeks ago, is that correct?
So it basically ended before it could get started?
I think she was right when she said, it's NOT you, it's me. I don't think she said that to make you feel better, but because it was the truth.
I agree with SVC that time is on your side. And that each and everyone one of us have at some point in time felt heartbreak and tried our best to heal.
Two weeks is not enough time for you and that is that. Even if it was a short relationship, most people can't just dust themselves off and shrug off their feelings. THAT part is normal.
I would get busy with work, with friends and maybe pick up some volunteer hours here and there. Whether you volunteer at an animal shelter or with people it's up to you, but it can get your mind off things.
In some ways you also need to look at the big picture. SHE could have dragged it out a bit longer, or cheated on you because she didn't want a monogamous relationship, but she DID break up instead so that YOU can move on and find someone who is a MUCH better fit than her.
This is not a case of YOU not being a good enough BF or man - but HER not being a good fit for you, and YOU not being a good fit for her.
If she thinks dating multiple people is what SHE wants, and you are a monogamous person there really isn't a good way to make it work. It's a square peg, round hole problem.
Accept that while she was a nice lady and all, she can't give you what you want, and you can't give her what she wants.
Chin up. It does get better.
Also... I would NOT pretend to want to be friends in the future. I'd block her number and not allow any access from her, not now and not in the future - that is too much like "picking at a scab" for me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 January 2016):
 two weeks is not a long time to be over something like this.
IF after 6 weeks you are still having problems sleeping then it may be time to seek professional help but the issues right now are normal.
I once had a relationship break up and it killed me. I thought i would never heal.
I went to sleep thinking of him. I woke up thinking of him.
till one day I did not think of him till I was brushing my teeth... then a few days later it was in the shower.
then a few days later it was not till I was in the car.
and then one day weeks down the road i noticed i did not think of him till I laid down to go to sleep. And that was when I knew i was healing. He no longer was the ONLY thing to think about.
Now years later I still think about him but it doesn't hurt or bother me.
this will happen for you if you let it. TIME is a great healer.
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