A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years, we split for about a year and I dated my best friend. I love them both but differently. I think that there is more passion and compassion with my best friend but I feel guilty if I leave my boyfriend and I don't like the idea of him with someone else. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 I think you have sums it all up! "You want a partner not a child" so you have realised that he is not what you are looking for in a man. Leaving him completely after 8yrs would be very hard but you can not stay with someone because u are afraid of loosing him. the fact that you have realised the gap it means there is a big problem in your relationship and only u can make that choice. sometimes its good to be a little bit selfish and focus on what makes u happy and cut out those who brings unhappiness in your life thats how life goes you have to loose some paople you hold dear in your heart including boyfriends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all ...thank you all for your advice. I found it very useful. I think my biggest problem is that I don't like disappointing people and feeling of losing people in my life. I have been thru alot with my current boyfriend and I do love him but we have changed alot and I feel like I have to pull all of the weight in the relationship. I want a partner, not a child. I hoped we could work thru it but with every year it doesn't get better I get sad and resentful. I have been completely honest with him and haven't seen very much improvement. Maybe it is just how he is. Please let me know what you think.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (14 March 2008):
Sorry dear for the misunderstanding next time just make sure you give the necessary facts because i think all of us responded thinking you are seeing them both.
I gues my response still stand only that the situation is different. understand first what u want in a relationship then evaluate each one of them based on the things you are looking. if for example you want to be with someone who loves, respects and is committed to you then find out who has the qualities and you find it natural than a job to give back. Its important to find someone you cant live without as to someone you can live with.
Take your time if you do have any and naturally you will come to know the man you need and the one you want. and given that your predicament will be over
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth of them know how I feel and I am not with both at the same time. I do know not to make a complicated even more complicated with lies. I just felt that it was important to remove that scenario from the situation.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Dear Confused:
Follow your heart. YOU Will know which is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Stand back and write a list of positive things about each, then a negative list about each.
Then, think about the thing you like most about each one.
You need to weed out the one that doesn't do you justice.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (13 March 2008):
Hello
Wow what a mess! Are the guys aware that you are double crossing them? The truth is you can never love two people the same way because they are unique in their own way. I honestly think you long to be with your bestfriend because he is the one you feel compassion with and passionate about while your boyfriend is someone you got used to all this long 8years and maybe feels some kind of security because of the long term relationship you shared the bottom line is: you aren’t inlove with the guy anymore leave him alone he deserves someone who can love him dearly not for the reasons u mentioned.
Your unhealthy obsession with this guy is that you are afraid he might find one whom he may love more than he loved you, you are afraid of loosing the only hold you have over him which is unfair because you don’t own this guy so stop messing around.
Would you be happy if the tables were turned and your boyfriend just wants to be with you because he is afraid to leave you not because he loves you? He is with you because he is jealous you might end up happy with someone else? With the answers to this questions I guess you can now make up your mind. Stop thinking of yourself only and consider how they might be feeling if they know the reasons you are with them it can only be fair if all of you are in a loving relationship without compromising each other's happiness.
Jovial
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Whoever can gives you the most happiness and meaning,
he is the one for you.
There will be a winner and a loser.
There is nothing much you can do for the loser.
If you cannot decide, wait until one drop off..
Then fate will decide for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): dude, i was in that predicament about 5 years ago. don't let guilt be your determining factor. i let it be my determining factor and to tell you the truth i feel like to some extent i resent my now ex for making that decision. the guy i did not choose back then is the guy that ive truly been in love with, but just got scared to go with my heart i guess.
it's natural for you to not like the idea of him being with someone else. but your heart will usually steer you in the right direction. dont be afraid of it. good luck!
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