A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 36 years old and my husband is 38. We have two children. One is 12 and one is 5. For the past 3 years my husband has lost all interest in having any type of intimacy at all. Including even words of endearment. i complain and then he puts a little effort in, but you can tell it's only because I complain. During the day we talk on the phone and I'll bring up how we never have sex. He will always tell me how when we get home then we are going to have sex. Once were home he always starts some kind of an argument because he knows I won't want to then. I even point it out to him what he is doing and he just denies. He has used every excuse there is. I'm tired, I had too much to drink, I'm hungry, the kids are around, wait til later, blah blah blah. He's even tried blamming me sometimes for whatever reason. There have been occasions where I have ventured out and ended up kissing other men. 5 to be exact over the past 3 years. I haven't done anything else but kiss and I always beat myself up over it the next few days afterwards, but then I don't feel so bad because my husband still has no interest in me. Recently there has been a guy at work that really has shown interest in me. He is also married with the same problem and I recently told him my problem. It feel so good to feel his interest. He is very attractive and this morning he said to me that he wanted to get together for some comfort. If you know what I mean. I don't know what I should do please help. I do love my husband and DO NOT want a divorce, but what am I to do?????????????? Please respond.
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female
reader, because +, writes (8 April 2013):
Marriage is very tricky his reason for not wanting intimacy seem simple but also selfish keep ypur eyes and ears open your thinking trusting and beliving your husband just as you should but men lie lie lie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I think it is hilarious that all the men here are saying be gentle with him, pat his back, give him compliments, etc. However what is the woman getting? Anything? I love my man and found myself in the same boat as this woman but after TWO MONTHS. The sex stopped AFTER I had committed to him. I am so unhappy with our sex life, it is nothing like he led me to believe it would be. Very little intimacy...no telling me he loves me during sex or looking into my eyes...and then he lasts 5 minutes. I told him after a few months I was not getting the attention i needed and was relying on other men to make me feel good. He has not heard that when I said it or ever since. Husbands/boyfriends who ignore their womens beauty and gifts as well as generally are pushing them into the arms of other men. We need to feel like we are beautiful and desired by our men. My man is not motivated by my body as nice as it is, but other women do it for him (on the tv at the gym). How does that make a woman feel? Like sh**. Men your women will cheat on you if you treat us like we don't matter. WE NEED TO FEEL LOVED AND BEAUTIFUL to our men. Get a clue and give us what we need like we do to you.
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A
male
reader, taleffler +, writes (10 February 2010):
don't cheat first of all this will never help.
i had the same problum with my wife in my mid 30's their is nothing wrong with you it's just he has a low sex drive it will pass as it did with me now my wife complains she get's it tomuch now,try and find way's to spice up your sex maybe it will help.
but trust me it will pass
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): IT is hard to be ignored, I know. Although my husband will never admit it, what kickstarted him back into action was when I got so turned on by attention by someone else, I directed my energy back to my husband and one day he said, I don't know why you love me so much. Having other attention just let me know I was not dead, unattractive, incapable of loving/being loved, just had to really think about where I wanted to direct all that excess energy. I really do love my husband, have never gone as far as kissing etc with anyone else, just flirting, but the fire it started had to be quenched, things with us are not perfect, but pouring all that energy back to where it belonged has helped energize him, I had to be patient, nice, complimentary and I would say it has paid off. I also let him know that I needed and wanted him, physically, emotionally, friendship etc. He has put now put a fair bit of energy into trying to make things better and he has also been very patient with me. It's still a work in progress, but love is not an endpoint, it is a journey with many pleasurable periods, some long painful ones, but worth it! 27 years together and glad I did not do anything rashly! If you need counselling, get it, if you have a female friend or acquaintance with a strong marriage, talk to them, don't try to go it alone. Believe in yourself! Try reading what the bible says about marriage as well. God loves us and wants us happy in our marriages in more than one dimension!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): Don't give up (and give in) yet. He could be having a physical problem sapping his urge. Insist on him seeing a doctor. Tell the doctor about your complaint yourself.
If he has no physical problem, you need to talk frankly together. Tell him of your needs. Ask him why he isn't interested anymore. Is there anything you can do to please or excite him? Lose weight? Start bowling? Don't blame him entirely. See if there's anything you can do to rekindle his love.
If he doesn't take you seriously, ask him if he wants you to have an affair or to end the marriage. Make sure he knows how important this is to you.
If you can't resolve what the problem is, and how to get back to some loving, then try counseling.
And forget complaining on the phone. Complaints never get love, especially on the phone. You can't push a rope.
Start being positive rather than resentful. Try to seduce him at home. Ply him with his favourite dinner and some wine. Be playful. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): It probably is not the same problem but from what you describe it sounds like what I have been thru with my husband, he wasn't interested in me sexually at all, whatever I tried to do, we have been married a long time, he used every excuse under the sun, tired, stressed, back pain etc, until I found out why he wasn't interested in me, he was watching porn behind my back, I had a showdown with him, he said he wouldn't do it again, then I caught him again a couple of months later, I really laid it on the line that time, but he couldn't get an erection because he had conditioned himself to porn, we both tried really hard at our relationship and are now back on track, so if you both do really love each other, it is worth trying to found out why he is not interested.
Best of luck to you
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A
male
reader, Ares  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 Anon,
It seems to me like you waiting for someone to tell you to leave him you can do better ect ect ect.
It would appear from what you have described that your husband may be suffering from the effects of depression.
Ask yourself, is his work ok, financial situation, ect. I would suggest that you get the pair of you to a professional.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (21 April 2008):
You husband shows no interest.... Think back to when your sex life was best with him. Think about the who you two related to each other then. Futhermore, think of the things you used to do to him, do for him, and say to him then. How does it differ from how you treat him now? Maybe your husband is depressed. Sometimes people are depressed and there are so many small factors involved that they cannot fiqure out exactly what is wrong. You should talk to him. Ask him if he is happy with the way his life is going right now. Loss of sex drive for a man is a rare thing so don't take this situation lightly at all!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Dear Mr. Lonely too,
You sound like you have some serious bitterness in your life. You describe me as depressed with a bad attitude. Are you kidding me? I'm not depressed. I'm pissed. You mention that I put too many demands on him. WTH? I don't think so. Oh let me see expecting your husband to be a husband is too demanding? Whatever? I have tried with husband. Complimenting him. Telling him I love hime over and over. My Gosh I have done everything to throw myself at him and to make him feel wanted. He's the one that pulls backs and claims he don't know why. Maybe if the shoe were on the other foot and it was your wife rejecting you instead you rejecting her then you would know just how frustrating that is. You describe her as materialistic and superficial. It sound like you don't even like your wife. No wonder she thinks about other men. Your lucky she even told you instead of acting on it. And even though she did tell you, you still call her those things. I was looking for advice not some judgemental bitter as can be opinion on what my problem is. Mabie you should air out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): What you described about him: I have talked to my husband to death about this. And not just sex. I have talked about the total lack of interest he has. His life consist of going to work, watching sports and drinking his cocktail in front of the tv outside. He never wants to do anything together and never comes up with anything romantic or loving to say."
This sounds self fulfilling on your part. What about his needs? I just don't hear that from you, it seems to be only about me. This though, is typical of both men and women. Getting beyond this whining is dificult, but if we can just for a few mintues stop being selfish and hear out the other person, let it sink in, ponder it, then question it to yourself, and then ask how can I change that, that you might both improve.
The work, TV etc., is a condition in men (not exclusive ownership though) that is a signal that he is feeling anxiety, frustration, that what ever he has done in the past isn't working, that he is a failure. No one want to feel like a failure. Ever realize that the things he does now may make another person happy? It can all be because of your depression, you just don't see the good things he does, which cause him to withdraw because nothing he does makes you happy. Depression, if the other attempts to help, can be a self distruction to the helper, they to will get caught up. When a person has routinely tried, they will become more distant, because they attempt to stay away from those that cause more pain, and in your case, you may have placed a burden he no longer can tolerate, so he drifts away from you, gets absorbed with other things.
You know he isn't cheating, this should be a slap to the face for you to wake up and smell the roses. He loves you, and your attitude is causing more grief for the two of you. You need to air it out!
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A
female
reader, amanda23 +, writes (21 April 2008):
 I think that I would try a makeover with him.Get yourself all dolled up and throw in some "kinky clothes" if you know what I mean(just for behind closed doors of course)see where that takes you.If he shows some kind of intrest then you know what you need to do for him.You could also experiment with "role playing" it's actually pretty interesting.I hope that this gives you a little bit of relief.Amanda
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I was the one with the question and I appreciate the post that you have sent me. I will think about the advice you have given however, I would like to say a little bit more about the broken communication that has been refered to. I have talked to my husband to death about this. And not just sex. I have talked about the total lack of interest he has. His life consist of going to work, watching sports and drinking his cocktail in front of the tv outside. He never wants to do anything together and never comes up with anything romantic or loving to say. I have told him how lonely I am and how much I need him. We are under a lot of stress and if we are at least intimate with one another then I know it would relieve some of out stress. We thought he might have something medically wrong, but he got all checked out and they said he was fine. Not to mention when we do have sex he cannot get erect anymore. So they gave him Viagra. Okay well viagra does help him perform, but his interest is still gone. The look on his face is like he'd rather be 100 other places. It really hurts and I've talked this to death with him. I know he's not cheating and when I ask him what the problem is he just says he doesn't know. As far as the guy at work is concerned we are just friends who have explored the idea of hooking up because were lonely not for long term purposes. My children think everything is fine between us because we make sure they do. But children need to see affection between parents. That is how they learn. Anyways I'm confused and I just need a release. Would love to get it from my husband, but am I supposed to wait forever?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (21 April 2008):
Don't start an affair. You don't know what his situation is and he doesn't know yours. "My wife doesn't understand me like you do." is the oldest line in the book.
You want the best of both worlds here, a stable husband and dad at home, and an exciting lover on the side. That would be nice but it isn't right and it isn't fair.
Do you honestly want your kids growing up seeing thinking that marriage means no love or affection and affairs are a handy thing to have on the side? They might be young but they will pick up on things and they learn about relationships from you.
Get some marriage counselling if you don't want a divorce. Your situation is not healthy for anyone. Do you honestly think your husband is happy with things this way?
There must be a reason for him to act this way and you need to sit down and really listen to him to find out what it is. Rather than ask him for sex just be really loving and give him lots of kisses and "I love you"s as you walk past him. Take some of the pressure off him to "perform".
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Mis-communication. Both men and women interpret things differently. My wife and I are in the same boat as you. What your doing by feeling uneasy when he touches you is sending a message to him that will eventually add to the problem marriage. For every action, there is a reaction. If it continues, it will only get worse. You really need an expert to help you two, we are not capable of doing it on our own.
There has been a communication breakdown. Your mistake was realizing something was wrong, by the way you felt neglected. The man probably was feeling something to, but also neglected to act. Maybe one or both of you attempted to act, but felt shot down by the other when you brought something up. This is when we go spirialing down to hurt, loneliness and despair. My wife though the same thing your thinking. When I learned of this, I too was hurt. I though, how could she have thought such a thing, why didn't she ask; I'm not a mind reader. What eventually happened, is I withdrew, became more detached from her because I was feeling rejected. Feeling uneasy when he touches you will send a strong message to him, making him feel even more rejected. If this doesn't stop, the relationship maybe over, with feelings of the other doing the hurt.
Your both in a bad situation, and I doubt on your own, you'll be able to fix it.
After learning things what my wife thought, which were wrong, and her inability to ask, to talk about it, eventually made me tired of trying, and I eventually gave up trying to be romantic and stuff. Then her imagination grew even more wild about what she believed I wasn't doing, which turned into resentment from me. Now were as cold as ice. I no longer trust her flip flopping emotions. I sense she at times wants to get closer, but I can no longer handle her mood swings: your heading in the same direction.
From my own experience with my wife, your the one that messed things up. Have an affair, and you might as well as just place the last nail in the casket for this relationship. Your description of his attitude tells me he has felt rejected by you in the past, and has given up, because you continue to repeat conditions that he sees your not beng genuine. For starters, read "men are from mars, women are from venus".
My wife thinks nothing of building on the relationship, but she always has a list of crap she wants me to do, I see her as a phoney, materialistic, daddy's little princess; put on a false face, decorates the house to get approval from others.
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