A
female
age
36-40,
*alendula
writes:I met my husband on a christian dating site. We hit it off right away and a year later got married. It was our second marriage for both of us. I Think he was more realistic when he married me, knowing that there may be some unresolved issues that would surface at some point. I wasn't, I truly believed that even though we argued before we said "I do", everything would be blissful etc after. Anyway... It wasn't. I am not proud of my behaviour. I spent the first 6 months of my marriage trying to get him to change to be more romantic, spend time with me etc. Completely overlooking the fact that he was different and expresses himself differently. I used to get so mad that I lashed out at him, threatened to leave, all sorts of crazy stuff. Somehow he put up with it and would always forgive me and try to comfort me after an outburst. I really pushed him away to the point where he didn't even want to sleep with me because I hurt him that bad. In the last month or so I have tried to change really hard. Inside I have made a lot of changes (basically realised what a nightmare I was and why) and have been trying to show him that I have changed. Ive been trying to build up trust with him too. I thought I was doing well with him until today. He exploded at me this morning and has been nasty to me all day, telling me its over, its too much now, I should get a solicitor etc. i thought at first that he was just testing me to see if I yelled back (thus proving I had not changed) but when I didn't, he kept on saying it. He says he is angry with me but wont tell me why. He doesn't want to look at me let alone touch me and is so cold towards me. I'm at my wits end, I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me advice?
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female
reader, calendula +, writes (21 January 2013):
calendula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to everyone who took the time to respond to my question. All your replies are very much appreciated. An update- the outburst was triggered by my husband burning an egg he was frying. He left the kitchen to watch tv when i was washing up and therefore blamed me when it burnt. That wasn't the real reason he had the outburst, i think it was just the catalyst for him to be able to display his emotions. Later in the night he had calmed down enough to vocalis why he acted like that. He described how he felt about my previous volatile pattern of behaviours and how this had affected him and thus our relationship. I was able to listen and validate his feelings and it felt good. I've never been able to do this before. We agreed to repair the relationship we both need to talk each day and work through what we're feeling. I know things aren't going to be easy but i have hope it will work out good!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): I feel compelled to respond to this post because I am going through something similar. My emotional outbursts and volatility were so great that my husband moved out. This was about 4 months ago and since then I would say things have improved between us. The key to all of this is not to keep on and on at the husband, stop trying to force your point across and I dislike this phrase but give him some space. Men do not want 'to talk' they don't like it and they detest confrontation. So my advice is let things settle, don't try and talk to him, just let things calm down. Keep quiet about how you feel, don't cry , plead or beg and be strong. Keep yourself looking nice and do not say anything confontational. When there has been a bit of calmness and serenity he will review the situation and start to realise that you are not all bad. This has happened slowly for me, I did not ring, see him or text and slowly he has re-initated contact with me. You have to give the person time to miss you. This is hard when you are in the same house but don't keep trying to talk or follow him around just let him be. I feel sure that this will sort itself out for you in a positive manner,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): Well some times change comes too late. The damage has already been done and his feelings to you have already permanently changed. No matter how well you treat him now cannot undo the memories of you lashing out at him and trying to change him. I think you should let go and let him leave you. Resolve to keep making positive changes in yourself so your next relationship wont end like this. This marriage was a valuable lesson that taught you what you needed to work on so thank your hb for his patience and acknowledge that the damage is done and he has every right to feel turned off to you forever and let him go. Its good that you recognize your mistakes and are trying to change yourself. You should do this for the sake of being a better person and not because you hope it will get him to come back to you (that would be manipulative rather than sincere positive self growth).
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 January 2013):
 There are three really powerful words that can transform a marriage. It changes how people see each other, and helps to stop avoiding and to start working together:
It Takes Two.
This means that it's not just your fault this marriage is where it is. It also means that at this point, you both need a neutral party, like a pastor, a counselor, or a marriage therapist, because instead of looking at it as "I screwed up the marriage", or "He's over, and there's nothing we can do now", you can BOTH see the issue for what it is: A malfunction in communication.
Let someone who's not so into it listen to both of you and hold nothing back, and they can see things that we in our patterns are blind to. Once you switch your thinking from adversarial to TOGETHER fixing the breakdown, you're already halfway there. I say this because drugs, adultery, or financial ruin isn't part of your marriage issue now.
BOTH of you are responsible for the trajectory of your marriage. And it'll take BOTH of you to repair it, not just you trying to bottle your responses, and not just him getting fed up and stomping out.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 January 2013):
 At this point I'd bet he has no idea "why" he's mad, he just remembers there was a hurt and you were involved. Be patient with him, men are very slow to heal (forgive and/or forget) but if his love was ever there, it'll come back
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 January 2013):
Men frequently take a lot longer to process emotions, and what has happened to them, before they realise what they want to do. I think what has happened is that he has been bottling up a lot of feelings, and they have finally come out in one huge outburst.
The thing is, he has only exploded today, so he will probably calm down. For now, give him some space and let him get all the anger out. I'm sure you want to go in and speak to him, but he needs to calm down before either of you can sit and talk.
Give it all of today, and maybe tomorrow if he seems like he's still in a mood.. Then, gently say that you both need to talk, and see what happens. Explain that you are aware that you've not treated him well, but that you are seeking help to chance. See if he'll even come to couples counselling with you or something, so you can both talk about how you feel in a controlled way with someone there to calm it down and ask the right questions.
This explosion doesn't mean that it's the end, not yet. It just means that you both need to work harder, and seek help, to make it work out. I'd have been more worried if he'd come in calmly and said that it was over, as that would have mean he'd given it a lot of thought beforehand. His current reaction is just one of anger.
Give him some space for a day or two, then speak to him.
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