A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem that I don't know if anyone has ever had. When I am dating someone I can't stand anything sexual that's not to do with me. I have always moaned at anything in relationships that involved a female or picture of a female that wasn't me. I had to split up with my ex because I was convinced he wanted to look at other women and found them more attractive than me. I found out he had been watching porn and it made me feel like he was still interested in them because they are more attractive than me. It felt like he didn't find me as sexual attractive as he should of done and I felt like I was wasting myself on him even though I did eventually get him to delete his entire collection and he threw his magazines away, but he was fine for me in all the other areas. I just get these feelings like even though he said I was streets ahead of them I think it doesn't matter because he still wanted us both. Anything I do that he likes I think, 'but he looked at other people like that, he probably looked at them way more lustfully than he did me.' It's the same thought other women might have, 'if I'm good enough why was he still interested in porn?'
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): Actually he carried on using it for a week he knew I didn't like he just kept saying you can't fufill all my sexual needs when you aren't there. Then after a week, we had a massive argument from the fact he was still using it when he knew I didn't like it (who would be okay with it?) where he was still trying to get his own way. He wasn't going to do it sneakily so he had to talk me round I said it was okay and it wasn't like cheating. Then I started up again and gave him the ultimatum but as you've said he only stopped because he was told not because he got bored of his own accord.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): The question will come up again why if I'm apparently good enough is he still interested in masturbating to porn?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012): Getting him to delete his entire porn collection is only a temporary band aid. He will secretly start watching again, it may take months or years and be less consuming but he will. Because he didn't change his mind about porn, he only deleted it to placate you. If he thought porn was disgusting he wouldn't like it. If he thought it was degrading and yet he liked it then his attitude to women would show through in how he talks to you and treats you. In the end all that was accomplished is that he was forced to give up something he really likes and which he believes is harmless and has nothing to do with you and doesn't harm you so you've just created resentment in your relationship (other than the resentment you always had towards him for watching porn) . And most likely he will just get sneakier about hiding it from you.If you want to stay with him then you both have to compromise on this issue, not just one person get their way at the expense of the other. That means he should give up some of his porn habit but not all of it. And you need to compromise in some way not just expect zero porn forever. Maybe you can agree that he can watch just not keep a collection? Or that he can watch but only when you are not at home?Right now he is the only one who compromised on this issue, while you "won " by getting your way entirely. This winner / loser dynamic is bad for relationships. It creates and maintains resentment. If you want to stay with him you must learn to compromise on this porn issue. If you really can't or don't want to that's fine too because you have a right to want what you want but in that case you should probably break up and only date men who don't watch porn at all (which in this day and age of free Internet porn, is going to be rare to find a man who doesn't watch at least once in a blue moon in secret) .
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 December 2012):
 Many couples have the same problem. Your ex knew your dislike of porn but still watched it indiscreetly. There are men who don't look at porn. Actually two of my exes did not watch porn. When you date a guy you have to mention you only date non porn users, users who hide the videos don't count. You just want no porn in a relationship, period.
When you have formed your opinion on porn, it is emotional and irrational. No amount of reasoning pr debate will change your thinking. A regular porn user cannot be talked out of not liking porn (such as porn is disgusting and degrades women), same as a porn hater cannot be talked into enjoying porn (such as women like big dicks too). However, a person who truly treats you as priority can stop doing something that hurts your feelings. When your ex was made to delete his porn collection, I don't know if he saw that as a promise not to look at porn again, but I would see that porn is not something to be tolerated in a relationship.
Your approach should not be to change a man's habit within a relationship but to assert your boundaries before you enter a relationship.
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