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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 18 years old and am seeming to have sexual performance issues. I am still a virgin so the only experience I have to go on is masturbation. Even with my best efforts I can only seem to last a few minutes at best, often times less than a minute. Also my orgasms can be quite dissapointing. My question is, is there anything I can do about this, such as "training" of any sort aside from drugs and treatments and such? I've never actually had sex so I don't know if somehow it will be different then, but I just want to be ready for when that time does come... Any suggestions?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 August 2006):
 Actual sex is about as different from masturbation as watching a movie is from acting in one. It's pretty different, in other words.
And it's perfectly understandable that you're a little nervous about your "performance". I'll take a chance and suggest that the first few times you have sex, you won't last as long as you think you should. Maybe minutes. Maybe seconds. But don't worry, because that's normal.
With sex, it's definitely a learn-as-you-go operation, and you'll become better at it over time.
You don't indicate that you have a girlfriend that you're intending to have sex with yet, but when that time comes, don't be shy about letting her know that you're a virgin. If she's one too, then you both get to learn together (*grin*), but even if she's not, she'll understand that you'll probably get carried away the first few goes and therefore, she'll be more patient with you.
I hope that a few men will wade in and offer you suggestions on how they learned to control the urge to come, but letting you know from a female perspective... it's OK. Don't worry. If your partner knows that you're new to the experience, she'll cut you some slack. And besides, after you've had an orgasm or two, you may find that need isn't quite so strong, and you'll last longer.
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