A
female
age
36-40,
*iveandtake
writes:I recently broke off a long term relationship with a man I was seeing for a while (about half a year). He was the first man that helped me bring my guards down and taught me how to love. I invested heavily into this relationship which eventually took a toll into my finances, time and as well as my emotions. His truth quickly unravelled itself and it became clear that the man I was with was an alcoholic. I've never really met anyone who turned so negative and nasty when under the influence until him. He was verbally abusive and would say just about anything to make me cry. He once admitted that when tears run down my face it almost makes him feel good because it shows that I care... I didn't know how to react to that and 6 months later my senses finally came to me that this man was insecure and I needed to call quits into this relationship before it escalates into something worse.Although I knew that the best choice would be for me to leave, my feelings for this man have lingered onto the better moments of this relationship and I often find myself reminiscing over them. I am constantly thinking about him, hoping that he would call and just apologize. I find myself just staring at his facebook page... it's quite sad. I want to get over him and I was wondering what is the best method to do so. I've heard people say it takes twice as long of time you have known the person to finally let them go, but I don't want to be sad for a year long just to get over him.I;d love to hear some advice, thank you.
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female
reader, giveandtake +, writes (28 January 2011):
giveandtake is verified as being by the original poster of the question I want to thank you all who have shared some great advice. I will continue to move forward and leave the past as a growing experience. I made a list of pros and cons kind of like a list of reasons why I wanted to be with him verses reasons why I cannot...
And it became simply too easy to fill the list of cons while the list of pros stayed short and took far more time to think about. This exercise made a clear point that the man I was once with was not compatible with me and our relationship was unhealthy for the both of us.
Thank you once again for your kind words of wisdom. I will continue to stay strong and continue my pursuit of happiness.
3xoxo
A
male
reader, sam44  +, writes (27 January 2011):
You observed something i love, "he is insecure". Good catch and observation.Now here is the story, i have dealt with a girl like this guy...He is not going to call, why? he is so insecure and lacks confidence to even apologize... i know what i am saying! He knows you love him so much and he will take advantage of that at every given opportunity. he knows you are struggling right now, he knows he is hurting you... you wanna know how he feels about it? It makes him happy and it makes him feel good about himself. Its a fight you wont win.. because he is fighting himself, you are just an excuse to his alcoholic problems. Guess what! If you call him... it will make him even more fulfilled that even if he is a worthless alcoholic, he is good enough to hurt someone. He crave attention and enjoys giving pain just so he can feel good about himself. He doesn't know how to love without hurting.What should you do? Don't not pick up the phone, delete him off your facebook.. its not healthy right now, endure the pain, don't don't don't ever go back to him... it can only get worse. He will trash your heart again... i am so sorry to be telling you this. Prove him wrong, show him you are strong, if you really need closure with him... do it later like a year or 2 from now. So now don't look back. You can already accomplished the biggest step, breaking up with him. Now don't make a fool out of yourself by going back. He will make a painful experiment with your heart.Just look for someone to lean on and forget about him. Its so hard .. trust me i know... but its worth it. One day things will be good. I have been in that boat before.. things will get better. goodluck
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Know how you feel sweetheart....
I always say... I love Paul Newman.. loved him since I was a kid.... Loved him when he was married, Love him now he's dead. Paul Newman is easy to love.. don't have to do anything, just love him.
You can love whoever you want. Just don't do anything about it that will further hurt your heart or lead you to destroy your pride, and self respect.
If you hurt me... it's easy to love you.. from afar.
There's only one way.... Time.. with time and absence, it won't hurt so much anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011):
You should be very proud of yourself that you came to your senses and ended this and that you only spent 6 months with him.
Every time you feel love for him, remember that he was happy to see you cry due to his cruelty and addiction. That is NOT love. He is an unhealthy person.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Best way to get over somebody is to become engulfed in other things. Go out with friends and meet some other guys. It doesn't have to be something special, it can just be to get your mind off of him. Take up some kinda hobby, could be learning to play the guitar or physical fitness or whatever you want it to be. Get your mind on other things, and eventually he will fade out. If he doesn't, then I'd suggest reevaluating the whole situation and trying to hash everything out with him.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Miss,You are making the same classic mistake every person, man, woman or child, makes with other people.The mistake is to overlook what would be obvious to you had you been watching your situation like a third party observer who is emotionally uninvolved with the situation.Putting it more practically, it isn't a mistake. It's just inexperience. In this context, it is no joke to say that experience is knowing when you're making the same mistake again.According to you, you let your guard down. According to a third party observer, me, in this case, he manipulated you into opening your life for him.According to you, he taught you to love. According to me, you always knew how to love, but didn't find a person compatible enough to love. According to me, he knew you were inexperienced, not knowledgeable about relationships, and he knew he could play with you, have a good time with you, and then abuse you because that is what he is - an abusive sob.According to you, he is insecure. According to me, a third party observer, he is most probably just an a*****e. He had to be good initially to gain your trust. But no actor can keep acting for long. Some day or the other his/her true self will come out and show itself. That's all. It's as straightforward as that.If this happened to your friend, what would you think would be the best thing for her to do? DO THAT FOR YOURSELF.It's ok Miss. Every introvert has to go through this. The earlier the better. You are fortunate in one sense. This fellow was verbally abusive. I've seen sad lives of people I know extremely well being abused physically in their relationships.I'm not at all saying that verbal abuse is acceptable. It NEVER IS. I myself have been verbally abused by people in the past few years. It has bruised me and cut me in half and left me shivering in fear for a long time. I used to, and some nights, still go to sleep fearing for myself, unsure how my day will be. The blackmail, the torture, the abuse of trust, is so great that it is disgusting. I wonder, how can people be thus?But if we decide that come what may, we will not let others define us, and that we will always respect ourselves and will never confuse the love we so graciously give others with weakness or need, and know that when others tell us they are doing us a favor by being with us, they are simply lying to and abusing us, we will be able to get back at them instantly and retain our dignity.You know, abusers abuse for really petty gains. I'd rather that they lived for better ends but no, they're all pretty much as petty as one can get. Sadism is their main aim almost always.BTW, I am a man. A very soft, cultured, well mannered person, atleast that is how I used to be. I won't make any claims as of now. I'm learning to continue respecting others but at the same time, uncompromisingly respecting myself and trusting my abilities and nurturing my confidence INDEPENDENT of people.I know my answer sounds extreme in intent and delivery but I'm just trying to get you out of the illusory expectation that you are harboring, that he will call and apologize (it almost makes me laugh, sorry!). Move on. Please.Best,
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