A
female
age
51-59,
*oingCrazyat40
writes:I need help in reasuring my thoughts are legit and I'm not being unreasonable....I married my husband 4 years ago. We dated for 8 years before he finally purposed. I honestly think he asked me to marry him because he overheard that I was planning to leave him if I never got engaged before the year's up. I wanted to marry him, start a family one day and just live our lives...He purposed on Christmas morning, in front of his parents!! I was dumbfounded. How romantic! I brushed it off as being...well...I couldn't really come up with an excuse as to why he did that. However, I said ok. As I commented on the engagement, he said something to me that should have raised flags. He said I'm not getting married in the next year, thought I'd tell you so you dont' go crazy with plans...My heart sank. I remember thinking, "why did he ask me to marry him then"? Then it dawned on me, he must have found out. Anyways, we got married and he didn't want to take a honeymoon. He never consimated the marriage for 2 days after the wedding...and it was me that had to say something! He hasn't taken me on any trip to have "us" time. He doesn't buy me christmas gifts, valentines, birthday's...ect..He always says he can't afford it. These are materialistic things but should I be putting up with this? How do you get mad at someone for not buying or thinking of you on special occassions? I feel selfish when I try to bring it up. He lost his job a few times in the past 5 years. He's now working for a company that's paying him minimum wage. We had a child two years ago and I havent' returned to work yet. I have a son from a relationship way back. My question is, Am I being selfish in wanting a partner that shows every now and then how they feel towards the marriage? I have my own earnings, and it's not like we have no money. Is he lazy? Is he lacking ambition? Do I leave and learn from my mistake? I don't know...I've tried talking to him about my feelings and it ends up into a huge fight. It just keeps repeating over and over again. I'm so frusterated, bored, miserable, and feeling so helpless. I dont' want to spend my life feeling like this....Any words of wisdom would be appreciated!!
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ambition, christmas, engaged, lost his job, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, GoingCrazyat40 +, writes (17 February 2011):
GoingCrazyat40 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much all of you for taking the time out of your lives to write and give me some uplifting thougts. Each of you have a true piece figured out about who I am. I believe that councelling would open his eyes to the fact that I am seperate human being with thoughts, ambitions, goals, and feelings. I left him years ago and took him back. He knows what it was like to lose me, it devestated him. Perhaps another "wake-up" call would suffice. Jonas, you nailed it right on the spot when you said I don't need expensive gifts. Something that shows that he truly values, appreciates, and loves me. He knows that I am a sentamental person. I write poems, frames them, and give them as gifts. Not saying I'm cheap, it's just I find more plesure in creative thinking rather than handing money over...As far as being romantic? Do men have that in their vocabulary? LOL I've tried that. Planning weekends in Niagra Falls, renting a cottage away from civilization, you name it! However, it still leads back to the same patterns. I think our only option is Marriage Councelling. I want to stay optimistic regarding my marriage. I don't want harsh feelings to develop. I want to stay in love with him. I'm so scared that one day I'll wake up and not love him anymore...it happens.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I don't understand why you married him in the first place if he proposed to you but then just as quickly told you that the wedding wouldn't even take place until a year later. And you two didn't consummate your marriage at your honeymoon? Like you said, these should have been dead-giveaway red flags.
That being said, what's done is done. I recommend the two of you to see a marriage counselor to settle these overwhelming differences.
Personally, I don't think you're being selfish. It's only natural for a wife to view her husband as someone who provides, supports, and nurtures. Buying the occasional gift, NOT for materialistic purposes but for sentimental expression, should happen AT LEAST once in the breadth of your entire married life.
You should definitely look back and question why he married you if he didn't really love you.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 Seems like your husband is having a bit of a self worth issue. He's not being the man he needs to be for you, the father he needs to be or the provider. He's not doing what he said he was going to do, most likely because he doesn't feel like a real man. Money isn't just a thing for men, usually, it's a status. Until a guy achieves the career and so his financial status goal; he hasn't gotten himself together and will be ashamed of himself. So, in other words, he can't give to you until he's got himself together.A man who loves you will not emotionally exhaust you or mentally tax you, he will love you the way you need to be loved, BUT first he's got to love himself. Do what you need to do to be happy. It takes two to tango.
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