A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Please help. my boy friend and I have explosive arguements when he tells me he doesn't want me and wants to find someone else. He really makes me feel useless. we usually make up in the end. we've been together two years and i've found that whenever i buy him credit or he gets himself credit on his phone he texts his ex girl friend. i knew they were friends when they broke up six or so years ago but it makes me feel really jealous and insecure because i feel like he might be flirting or he might fall for her again. she lives ages away but it still bugs me. i know i'm being unreasonable but i dont know what to do. i jst keep my mouth shut and don't tell him how i feel because i dont want him to get mad as we had arguements over jealousy before. it just bugs me mainly because he drops everything to text her back. if he's playing a game he'll stop to text her back. i don't want to feel like this. i really need help. i don't know what to do. i don't want it to cause arguements and ruin what we have. please someone help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): I relate to you, my boyfriend sends texts to his ex girl friend in Turkey, he says she is married and she was only a fling. He says she married 4 years ago to someone her parents chose for her. I find it difficult to comprehand it as he sent her text on new year eve, referring to her as "my soul mate". I thought if she was married with a Turkish husband and if she got a text at midnight saying happy new year my soul mate, her husband may have seen it and not liked it.
By the way he never sent me a happy new year text when I am not with him on new year.
I understand if one has children with an ex, but if there are no children, no, however, I am like you, if I met her and if I knew the the ex knew about me I would feel better and not feel threatened by their liasons.
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 I had the same problem with my bf at the beginning of our relationship, I wasn't an open person emotionally and felt that I had to hide my feelings or he wouldn't accept me.
THere are some cases where a guy and his ex gf can be just friends, but it's very rare and it almost always develops into something more. I personally don't think it's okay for him to be texting her as often as he does, especially if it's to the point where he is talking to her more often then he is talking to you. Would he be comfortable with you talking to your exes?
You could sit him down and in a non blaming way ask him out right if he is texting her, if he lies then he is obviously hiding something. If he comes out with the truth and confesses, then there is your opening to your discussion. Be straightforward and honest. Tell him why it bothers you. Tell him you trust him (if you do) but you don't understand why he is still in so much contact with her if they broke up six years ago. Let him know that it makes you uncomfortable.
He needs to know and if he discredits your feelings, tells you that you are acting ridiculous then he isn't listening. I know people think that going through someone's phone is an invasion of privacy, but it doesn't bother me. I have nothing to hide.
Talk to him. Be honest and straightforward. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): You need to leave this guy. He is disrespecting you and acting like he doesn't care at all, and in my book, it is NEVER okay to say "I don't want you, I want to find someone else." Don't be desperate and waste another minute with this jerk. There is a guy out there that would treat you 1000 times better than this, I promise. What is there to ruin in a relationship with very little trust and practically no communication?
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (2 March 2011):
I don't think you can lead a relationship if you can't talk about this and sort it out. It's not a friend, it's an ex-girlfriend he's talking to. If he can't understand how does this make you feel, you should start talking with your ex.
I don't mean that really. What I say is, he has to make an effort to understand your position.
In the other hand you have to start by talking with him about this, without telling him you read his messages.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I havent told him i dont like it. or that i know coz he didnt even say o im txting "Alice"(example name) by the way.
he's insecure i think and he makes me feel the same and i hate it.
I want to talk to him about it but i jst dnt know how to.
i dont want to lose him because of this. i dont want to tell him who he can and cant talk to but i feel so insecure and jealous about it and worry that she'll take him from me.
i did the worst this morning. i read all the texts on his phone. nothing funny was said just inoccent flirting on both parts (this wud def cause an arguement i know) its not that i dont trust him i dont HER. i'd feel better if i knew about her and knew that she knew about me. maybe she does i dont know.
i just dont know how to tell him that i know it was her (not mentioning reading txts) and that i dnt like it coz im worried he'll leave me for her.
largentsgirl89 no he doesnt drop everything for me. thats why im worried and upset about it.
Also he's really not an emotional person. he doesnt know how to handle talking about feelings etc.
im so worried i dont want to lose him but i can imagine it. i dont know what to do. i feel desperate....
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (2 March 2011):
I think you have every right to feel this way. My bf and I firmly believe that exes are exes and you don't stay friends with them. His exes still text him, but he never says anything back.
He shouldn't be texting his ex, especially that often and he drops everything to text her back? Does he do that for you? It sounds like he still might like his ex (i know you don't want to hear that, but it's a possibility). You have told him that him texting her makes you uncomfortable and what did he say?
I personally don't believe that exes can be just friends, they are and always will be ex bf/gf and that will usually get brought up in the conversations.
I agree with Capri2. If he is still texting her after you said it makes you uncomfortable and he obviously has no repect for your feelings, then you need to move on from him.
Its causing arguments, which means he doesn't want to discontinue contact with her.
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (2 March 2011):
In my own personal opinion you have the right to feel this way. She's his ex-girlfriend and he shouldn't be texting her, specially if you don't like it. He's with you now and have to respect your feelings. It doesn't even matters if he's honest when he says she's just a friend. Ex-partners are never friends, they are ex-partners.If you can't talk to your boyfriend about this without fighting, then your relationship has no future. I'm sorry but that's what I think.
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