A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 years old and married man is 28 (without kids).About six months ago I began an affair with a married man that I work with. What began as harmless flirting turned into a full blown affair where we were staying back at work alone for several hours in the evenings, some nights he would come to my place, we spoke on MSN throughout the day when we were working at our desks and he would be in contact with me on his phone right up until he went to bed. We kissed and touched every single day.Whilst people became suspicious, we developed an even closer bond and became even more emotionally intimate with one another until it reached a point where the intensity was suffocating me so much so that I had to take leave from work. After speaking with a psychologist, I ended the affair two weeks ago even though deep down I didn't want to.I confided in two colleagues and they have been extremely supportive and have done everything in their power to make things as easy and comfortable in the office. I feel much better that I was honest and it has helped with moving on with what dignity I may have left. They know I fell in love with this man and whilst I have put on a brave face and am throwing myself into my work I am deeply hurting. I feel so incredibly empty. Some nights I go feeling like a zombie without any emotion and some nights I am an emotional wreck and lie in bed shivering. The company I've been working takes very good care of me financially so I don't want to throw it all away because of one indiscretion but I am finding it really had to forget about him.Do married men get over the other woman? Are married men hurt when a woman ends an affair with them? Would this man feel as uncomfortable at work as I do?I’m just wondering what this man is thinking and if he still thinks about me?Does the pain go away?
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affair, at work, fell in love, flirt, I work with, married man, msn Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I think what you need is closure (which I hope for you that you got by now). I know from personal experience how hard and painful it can be - also all the things the others have said (about it all being WRONG), but I also know that people can be weak and the amount of time spent in the work environment nowadays can indeed lead to situations like this one. I understand how you feel, I also know it can hurt especially when both parties remain in the same work environment. But I also believe that the old saying "time heals everything" is very much true. After all, the most important thing is that the married person's partner never found out - would have been an un-necessary pain. If their married relationship is to end, better not be you to have it (also) on your conscience
A
male
reader, Dr. Advice  +, writes (26 January 2011):
I have a man who sees me from time to time for counseling. He is haunted by an affair he had years ago. The affair lasted for 8 years. He was married without children and she was not. Finally she ended the affair. After 15 years he confesses to me not a day goes by I don't think of her and I am still very much in love with her. He deals with a lot of guilt for having not done better by her. She is in his thougths always. He emotionally struggles with it as he is still married to his wife. Wanting to love her out of necessity and meet her needs at the same time denying his need. He always is conflicted and tortured by it. There are many men who do get over it. He never did. Some men like women stay scarred. I don't believe he will ever get over this and will carry it with him to his grave. He still hurts and the pain for him will never go away completely. There in is the danger of affairs themselves. Just call me Dr. Advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): So much BS... Honey, the only reason you want the answer to this question is because you want satisfaction of knowing that he wanted you for who you are and not Just sex and also if he was as much emotionally invested as you Were. Well news flash - noone will be able to answer except him. People try to generalize everything based on gender, but facts like spesific personal charachteristics and feelings involved, can not be evenly applied to all species of the gender. I can tell you that men are much simpler and it is easier for them to forget and move forward . They don't want to constantly analyze and think "what if " like women do. Nothing is right or wrong . You wanted him and you got him, then you ended it so move forward ... Stop analyzing, you have kids and if you made a choice for the kids then get yourself a hobby or something to cover the emptiness, direct your thoughts and energy towards you husband and family... You really don't know this man otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question.... So what you had wasn't real it was escape from reality, everything is fresh and exciting when it's new, but there's no future in it...Get your head back in reality.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Excuses, excuses. I have more insecurities and deep rooted anxieties than you can ever imagine. HOWEVER, that does not then excuse me to go and have an affair and say "oh dear, because I had a bad past, it forces me to behave in this way"!! Despite my insecurities, I have had a good moral upbringing and an inate sense of what is right and wrong (and having an affair with a married person is definitely WRONG). You can keep using excuses until you are blue in the face, but you are only fooling yourselves. Take responsibility for your actions and don't blame it on some past event. So I will reiterate: what you did was morally wrong, legally wrong (I am sure I've read somewhere of the wife suing the female who had an affair with her husband and won - fantastic) and in the eyes of religion is wrong too. So I guess you can take your stance and I'll stick with mine. If I do something wrong I'll hold my hands up, learn from my mistake and vow never to do it again. By the way, my name is Marie. You mentioned about people anonymously making a comment - well, it makes not one jot of difference whether I put my name or not so I am really not clear on what point Kylie was trying to make there. Perhaps it's an age thing - I can only conclude that you guys have not yet matured!! Also, if you can't take harsh comments, then don't add your questions on here!
Regards
Marie x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2009): No, please listen to people who stand in judgement. It frustrates me to see the messages between you and Kylie. You both are not getting the point, but seem hell bent on emailing details about your sordid affairs to each other. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but Kylie keeps on about her affair and trying to get closure by emailing this guy, then in the next sentence talks about her husband, family and animals - geeze - do you guys not have any concious????? The issue here is about what you did WHICH WAS WRONG. Can you not see that?? Do you still want to know this man is pining for you, yet you are fully aware he has a wife at home!!!! And Kylie, get the message. The guy was using you, got what he wanted and now speaks to you like a piece of dirt and even shows your husband the email?? Was your husband not devasted?? You don't deserve him by the sound of it. You talk of judgement too; well, if we were never judged in our lives I guess we would all do pretty much what we like. People need boundaries and you two stepped way over a boundary line in this matter. You need to understand true love and emotion and how a relationship where you love each other is truly magical. I'd say to Kylie, leave your husband because you don't deserve him and please to the writer of this, realise that what you did was WRONG, vow to never do this again, and move on!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHumans are not perfect. I came here looking for support, insight and understanding not ridicule and judgement. I get enough of the latter from my OWN mind but thanks for your comments.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): so if his wife did not find out, does it make it acceptable then?
do you want confirmation that he is still thinking, in fact pining away for you? do you want to know whether you still hold a special place in his heart?
you deliberately became the 3rd party, you deliberately invaded his married space, you knowingly and purposefully knew that he was not single yet you now cry wolf. did you ever consider the consequences of your actions or were you only concerned about the cheap thrill of doing it in the office. sordid, my dear, doesn't even cut it here. i am glad you got the support of your colleagues who are smoothing the way for you. after all, you are indeed the victim here!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): so it makes it acceptable then?
do you want confirmation that he is still thinking, in fact pining away for you? do you want to know whether you still hold a special place
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis wife never found out about this affair not that it is an excuse by any means.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): you can also learn from this "mistake" as you call it, by not indulging yourself with another married man again.
affair consumes everyone, even the married lovers WIFE. Imagine how hard it is for her, and sadly she is the innocent one here. i wonder who suffered more, you, his mistress (who stole him from his family) or his wife who has to now pick up the pieces of the third unwanted person in their lives?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Kylie, I appreciate your words. It is safe to say I am still grieving the loss of an intense emotional bond. I don't want to go back there because I know I deserve better and it was stressful albeit passionate experience. BUT I just wish I could turn him off in my mind. I don't try to seek attention or validation from him because I don't want look desperate and I want to appear strong. I think I would feel a bit better if there was this unspoken mutual sadness about the end of the relationship. I just don't know. It's SO hard and as you probably know it's not something you can get over in one day. God, I wish there was a pill to take the pain away!
xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the feedback. I completely understand it was the wrong thing. Humans make mistakes. We are given options, right and wrong, but in some cases our individual circumstances will lead us down destructive paths and by the time we recognize this it's too late.
I am absolutely heartbroken. I am trying to put on a brave face. It's only natural that when we see each other every single day that I wonder what he must really be thinking.
As sad it may sound, if I knew he was still thinking about me and missed having me shower him with emotional closeness, sex and affection I would be able to move forward knowing I was not just a fling and it was what it was and I will be okay...
It's so hard... and consumes your every thought :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): What a load of old tosh!!!! You chose to have an affair with someone who wasn't available and more fool you - it just shows you do indeed have a very horrid side and as for the comment from the guy about "love is a powerful force" - to cover his seedy little affair. I'm sorry, but I live my life according to karma and the fact I would never do something which I would not want to be done to me. The man was married - LOVE has got nothing to do with this. If a man (or women) was married, I would not touch them with a barge pole. And believe you me, I've had the opportunity. A guy from my old place was extremely enigmatic, handsome, intelligent and ALL the women in work thought he was wonderful. He used to sit behind me and tell me about how his wife didn't understand, etc. Whilst the temptation to flirt with this man was strong, as that is what he was doing with me (I had been single for over 3 years at that point, though now very happily partnered)my strong sense of morality, self, whatever you want to call it stepped in and he was treated in a friendly but brusque manner by me after that. Do the decent thing in future. Make sure the person is single, then see how the relationship goes. You shouldn't be questioning what he is thinking after the affair, you should seriously questioning your own lack of judgement and morality. Get that right, and you might just find a really nice guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009):
Hi, I can give you the other side of the coin I think. I am a MM and fell in love with my OW, who gave me all the things I could not get from my marriage, and much more than I could have ever dreamed of. We have had a very intense love affair and we really want to be together, but also know that we only had the "best bits of each other" in snatched meetings. We also both know we did wrong by society, but love is a powerful force isn't it? Like you, we both also feel very empty when we are apart. However, your MM will need to first know that his marriage can never work, and be emotionally disentangled from it before he can start anything new with you. I am going through that process, and my I have agreed no contact with my OW until I am truly available. Any other way is not fair on any party. I know if my OW really loves me she will wait, and if I truly love her, that force will guide us together. I can also tell you this is easy to say, and very hard to do... Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): No I dont think this man feels anything. For what its worth, things were exciting and hot and heavy, but he is probably already looking for his next conquest.
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