Help, do I just accept the psychopathic boyfriends' mother and her bad doings?

A female age 51-59, *azzie999 writes:

My boyfriend and I get on fabulously, at least we did, until our argument just before Christmas 2010, which really has put permanent doubts about us in my mind. The thing is that his mum is a manipulative, controlling expert, whom I cannot win against. Even if I do nothing wrong, which I believe I haven't said anything to her face untoward, I cannot win against what she is trying to do. Every time we have a holiday, a barbeque with friends and close family coming round, a weekend away, my birthday, his birthday, christmas, etc., she manipulates my boyfriend to think of her instead and ruin our time together, in oh so many ways. I was hoping that he will notice the pattern, as we have only been together with her involved in knowing me and involved in our relationship for just over a year, but we have been seeing each other since July 2009. I was hoping that with the next birthday of his, my birthday, a holiday, a weekend away, he will eventually see the pattern, and will finally say 'she said you do this, and finally I can see what you are doing, Mum'. The reality of it is that he doesn't even remember any insults that she throws at me, in front of him, and denies it as all my imagination. I have asked time and time again for him to confront her and just say 'that is my girl you are talking to', or 'if you do this again I will never talk to you', but the reality is, I know, he will definately sacrifice our relationship over his mothers' demands she is gradually installing on him, without him noticing. I have never met anyone so clever and calculating in my life, although I saw through her pretty quick. My birthday, he put me in hospital, because it all started the week before, that she 'fell over' on the monday, the next day we were to go for 'fish and chips', she phoned to say she was stiff from the fall yesterday, said nothing because she knew my boyfriend would say 'we'll come in the weekend then' = she just knew he would say it. He jumps in this way to all her demands. He put it across to me, that can we go and see her in the weekend instead (my birthday weekend), I said 'I was saddened to hear of her fall' (predicted by my best friend and I before it even happened) 'but I think you should go on your own, we can cancel my birthday celebration - a motorbike course and do it the following weekend, as I don't want to spend my birthday weekend with someone whom really doesn't like me and I don't feel comfortable with her. Eventually, we agreed that we would see her the tuesday after my birthday weekend which was the day before my actual birthday, midweek). We turned up on the following Tuesday as arranged with her. She said she was all better now. This guilt of her being better and him not visiting before, inevitably turned into a blazing row, over her, which turned into violence and reaching a head on my birthday, which lead to me spending my actual birthday in hospital, with a suspected broken hip, over her. Holidays - we had 2 weeks booked to sail in Turkey. My boyfriend was renting out his flat and was preparing it before we went away on that last week before the flight, and was exhausted. I helped him by painting 2 rooms and made myself exhausted because he was running out of time to finish it before the holiday. He was ill with exhaustion and he said he was. He looked ghostly and his eyes were sunken with tiredness. I asked him to promise that he would not run around on the last 4 days before the holiday for anyone (meaning her) and anyone asking requests for him to do so, his sisters or brother can run now, please can he turn them down should they want help, and just think of us for a change. He promised he would. Then, the 'fish and chip' day - 4 days before takeoff, because he may crash and never see each other again (him and mum), literally said in a serious fashion, I know a joke. The fish and chip night that was 4 days before takeoff = turned into 'I have this task to do for my bowling. It has to be on the table by Sunday night (a load of b*******). Can you print it off, and give it to me, urgently? It must be done before you go. I predicted this, before she said it. This is just one of the 'I am number one and give the attention stories' that are made up to prove he will run with anything and she has the controlling hand yet again. Yes Mum, he said, contrary to the promise 2 hours before. I said in the car, you are exhausted, you promised us. (She actually hid my sunglasses that were with my keys on her side board and the glasses certainly weren't there when I went to get my keys. She then called my boyfriend to say I had forgotten them .............. (i didn't tell him she had done this deliberately). Well, she got her own way, and squeezed in another meeting to see her boy, against our plans and his promises, even though he sat and told her (she could see, but chose not to) he sat and told her he was so ill and exhausted, she still put her usual demands on him and came between us. He said it wasn't a big deal, but it isn't the point, the deals always come between our plans and us trying to have a good time, but each time it is ruined. This caused friction in our relationship and another fight, full blown punching, because he resents me, and believes that she is innocent and his mother does nothing wrong, and doesn't make anything up, and I am the evil one - he has told me this many times, in different ways. Anyway his birthday - I arranged a weekend cycling trip around pubs / villages in France from Calais, doing about 60 - 70 miles leisurely cycling around. His family all called to wish him happy birthday in the morning. She didn't. He kept stopping and checking his phone all day. Then the next day. All weekend he was depressed about it, and mentioned that not all family members have called him, he kept mentioning it. He even said it strongly to her, at our house warming barbeque, that she hadn't called him. But did however give a nice card, and alot more money than he usually gets from her, he said. He was moody on the return from Calais and we argued again, while walking around the cliffs. It was planned on her part, and my friend and I predicted (I am nearly always a step ahead of her next plans) this is what she will do. This happened for Christmas, my birthday, his birthday, the turkey holiday, our long weekend away, our housewarming barbeque, his family party for new years, last year, Christmas last year as well, etc etc etc. The long weekend away was a stab at plans to start making small boundaries and unity plans to improve things and show our unity in a relationship. When we briefly broke up before our weekend to canary islands, I booked a holiday to Canary islands for £61.00 to lift myself up from the argument and fight that we had yet again. When we reunited, he said that he wanted to come along. I said as long as you promise that the whole weekend you can spend with me, and us only, without any input from his mother, nothing to do with his mother, not a mention, no link, no visiting incase the plane crashes, and totally to be our weekend. He promised. I explained that I would rather go on my own otherwise if he can't do it, because I don't want the hassle. Well guess what? I arranged with a mate that I would bring the limit of cigarettes back for my mate, because they helped me when he threw me out x 5 in the past. He then said that 'she - his mother' is such a poor thing, she is hard up, has no money, went in to a hysterical frenzy about how less money she has and how she struggles and how he needed to buy her cigarettes.(before we went, she was pleading poverty and telling him she had to take a 2nd mortgage to get heating in her house before we went away, so all weekend he thought of her and worried about her). Well I can tell you I know a struggle, and that woman does not know the meaning of a struggle. The next thing was: I am going to buy 'Mummy' some cigarettes. I said that sorry I had agreed, then stopped what I was saying and said - ok, you buy some for mum then, I'll explain to my mate that I couldn't get them. (bang goes my promise from him of no links, and him needing to mention mummy again and fight about her. No I can buy some and risk getting caught. I said no I don't want to risk getting caught for her, he got more hysterical, and blamed me yet again with slating insults because her disgusting nasty ways, that I can see, I am sure everyone could see, but he refuses to see, and names me as the one with the psychological problem and she never has said anything wrong ever. She sits in front of him generally in the past, when he allowed me to see her (yippeee) and throws insults. One famous one is, coming from a compliment I gave her for having such a caring family and obviously have done a great job raising 4 children, she stared at me, (because I believed that he told her he loves me, and wants to marry me, something he never has about anyone before, or at least very rarely). My son doesn't need to get married, he needs no one, he is independent. I made him so he needs no one, then glares at me. I just smiled it off. But questioned him later, asking for some kind of defence. He denied, and refused to see it. Everything that he praises me, she comes out with stories much worse later in a few weeks, thought and planned out, to supercede his memory of me, and to take the credit to her way of being much better, or that she is poorer and and more hard done by. She manipulates him, in the stories, of including how wonderful she was and how terrible her ex husband (his dad) has been and what he has done, giving him a feeling deep inside, that he briefly mentions to me, but I can see he is hurt and he thinks of his dad worse, his mum the hero and the best, and thinks of them, and the situation he first praised me to her for is no longer our interest, or our memory at all. Everything we love together we cannot talk about. Once I sat next to my boyfriend in her house, to test her, secretly. She said: Move over there, ****** you have a bad back. Sit on that chair over there on your own(desperately awkward and jealous of us and oh so obvious, agitated and uncontrolled, almost like she was going to cry - the wierdest thing I had ever come across in any relationships). He said 'I am sitting next to ****** '. She sat the other side of him, could not look at me, was so jealous she was like the ugly sister from cinderella, and sat jealously stroking his arm, like some wierd person who is in a relationship of 3. Bearing in mind, she is not tactile to him at all. Last christmas I spent with his family. I predicted her manipulation that he would spend it with them the following year even though it was his turn to spend it with mine. It was true, and he did, because we had another fight over a suggestion of me staying sober (bearing in mind he is punishing me for not seeing her, because all the arguments are because of me, so he no longer takes me to see her now). I had to stay sober, take her on boxing day, in my car, to relatives of his, while he drinks with his family. I said no, you can take her if you wish. He got hysterical and marched around slating me again, he moved out (which I believe was all manipulated by him, because the thought of first time in 30 years not with his family with a twist from her to encourage his disappointment, and so if he moves out, use our breakup as an excuse so he can get what he wants, then move back in again for new year, which he has done, funnily enough). He slated me, saying I am the evil one, when I turned down his suggestion of me driving her, saying he has secretly built a relationship with her, secretly calling her, away from my presence, him and her have done together, calculating it, as I am the baddy. So she knows our weakness, and has won, because he sees me as the one who is attention seeking, when it is the other way around. He even treats me like I want all the attention, when I certainly never have. I knew he was secretly being pally with her, and believing between them that I was driving a wedge and a rift between them, as he believes and has told his family this. We had plans to go away because he doesn't want children, I have accepted the no children thing, but said I would not sacrifice working abroad as I don't see the point of staying around here. He agreed to go away with me, working abroad and travelling in between. Lately he has started hesitating and being negative. Also the stories keep coming in parts that she is playing on gradually, of not being able to drive more and more,etc. I guarantee when we go, if we go, she will somehow be ill, or something, where he will worry so much, that he will either not go when we said, or not go, or come back sooner and somehow it will be that she manipulates things leading up to this that she will be needy of him more and more (although he has a brother and 2 sisters).

View related questions: best friend, broke up, christmas, depressed, her ex, jealous, money, moved out, violent, want children

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