A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I have been married for over 7 years to a wonderful man. Sadly his parents are mentally ill and won't get help. We have distanced ourselves from them by moving across the country. They are emotionally abusive and snarky smart mouths. a 3 ys back they did something really bad to a family pet sort of passive neglect that resulted in their death. It might have been passive aggressive to get back at people I am not sure. Anyhow at the time we went to a LMFT. I wanted nothing more to do with them but they were my husbands parents so we set up boundaries that we both signed off on to only have two phone calls a year on birthday and christmas. This was great for a few years until my MIL had a manipulation meltdown on the phone with my husband recently. My husband now wants to do away with all boundaries and talk often on the phone with them and I don't want our family to be involved in their drama. I see how they play my husband and I don't want them around but I understand that he has history with them and a deep rooted guilt complex so I am willing to make some changes in our boundaries to a few more times a year. He is a no go with the idea. This makes me feel like my feelings don't matter and that his parents feelings are more important than mine. what is your advice or thoughts on this dear cupid?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2015): Sounds like your husband is a shame filled enabler. By looking the other way and not maintaining any boundaries they can further abuse, manipulate, and blackmail your husband if he is so gullible. I am sorry you have to put up with them. I agree with the refereed contact. At least when they call you can be there and be on top of things….it still sounds really stressful. Knowing your husband could be hoodwinked and give up his peaceful life with you if they indeed are masters at manipulation.
A
female
reader, Delirium  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 You're not alone in dealing with mentally unstable in-laws (in my case it's my biological parents) and I'm sure you can find books on coping and lots of online forums devoted to techniques. It's great that your husband was on board with distancing them for so long but you can't really blame him for trying to keep some semblance of a normal relationship with his family (the people he grew up with, raised him, etc). I would suggest you develop a well defined and mutually agreeable "visiting" place. If a phone based relationship is all that is needed set a time and date to have the call (the 2nd Sunday of the month, maybe every Thursday evening at 6, whatever) and stick with it. If they call outside of those times for non emergency reasons then let it go to voicemail and return the call within the agreed upon days. If in person visits are expected then designate a time and place for them. Maybe visits are to occur only in their home, your home, or a neutral place like a restaurant. Carry out the visit with the understanding that if things take a turn they will calmly be asked to leave (or you will leave if not in your own home). Your need to create "boundaries" has created a feeling of isolation to you husband and his family. You would probably have better luck creating "well refereed contact" it is still essentially boundaries, which will satisfy you and keep you and your children safe, but it has a more flexible appearance to your husband and his family. This means you may need to be more willing to let visits occur and be open to different locations but because of that "new"/"flexible" nature you shouldn't have as much trouble establishing important ground rules. Namely; you do not need to attend all visits (if your husband wants to go to lunch with his parents, let him, provided you don't have to tag along), you have an unquestionable option to leave any visit (you have the right to politely excuse yourself from any situation that has gotten out of hand, and no one should fight you on that), and you can request that visits involving your children are supervised or occur in a public place. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 January 2015):
 Your husband's parents will always be his parents, he has the right to have as much contact with him as he wishes or desires.
He does not have the right to force you to have more contact with them than you are prepared to have, and if they are as bad as you claim, the children you share with your husband should have limited contact with them, and never unaccompanied.
This is not about your husband loving his parents more than you, it is about your husband loving his parents and loving his wife. They are not the same thing and it is not a competition.
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