A
female
age
51-59,
*ala C
writes:I am writing for any thoughts, ideas, or help in what has become the worst thing that has ever happened to me.I started seeing a much younger guy 3.5 years ago, (he is twenty years younger). I knew from the very beginning things could only be between us. He could/would not introduce me to family or friends. I am was the same. But the love that I always thought we had all this time, came crashing down on me, when a women answered his cell phone at 1 in the morning, asking who I was.. I told her who I was, and she proceeded to tell me she was his only girlfriend for the past year, and was I someone elses name, apparently another girl. She opened the door for me when I caught there to the Love of my life, naked in bed, passed out,She tells me all of the past year, in very graphic details of what they have been doing (I am devasted as she twists each word into my broken heart.) I woke him confronted him, he after much confusion, he walks her out,, tells me he is sorry, she was a big mistake, please dont leave, blah, blah blah. I always new this day would come, butI can not get over the pain, my heart is feeling, Please, Please, any advice,, I can not tell anyone at all, Just how can I make each day at work go by, before I can go home and cry alone in bed. I know this sounds pathetic, but I just did not see it coming this way.Please anybody who can just give words of encourage .
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (31 March 2013):
 You should just delete and block this girls' number. You've learned all you need to know from her. Try reading books, NOT romantic ones but self-focused books. Below are some amazon searches that might prove useful. Try pampering yourself. I know you feel miserable so do something outside your usual routine, getting a mani-pedi or a massage, something that you show yourself you're worth it. When I tried to get over my ex, I cut my hair to try to facilitate rebirth. It didn't really work but the mindset was a good one to try to foster. It's never too late to pursue a hobby or passion that makes you feel whole; maybe you'll find mutually interested people and feel further happiness;connection to others is key.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=+how+to+heal+breaking+up
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_15?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=how+to+heal+a+grieving+heart&sprefix=how+to+heal+a+g%2Caps%2C160&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Ahow+to+heal+a+grieving+heart
A
female
reader, Lala C +, writes (30 March 2013):
Lala C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi to everyone..
Quick update, cause i am still hurt,
BUT, feeling s little less pituful.
it happened one week ago tonite,
Only the first day of confrontation.
His other girlfriend, got a donestic abuse restraining order out on him, as she was happy to text me, then the next day, texts me to say, she was back in my old bed...
I have not answered her, or called or texted my ex...
One week of pain and betrayal...but maybe soon, it will be less hurtful.
asked the chick to stop with the updates and comments,,,do far three days of nothing...wish me strength..
U dont realize how much i reread your thoughts to get through my day...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 March 2013):
 The first key was that he would not introduce you to family or friends. This alone would be a deal breaker for me IF it was supposed to be a serious relationship and not just a fun and games kind of thing.
After 3.5 years I can see why you are so devastated. You trusted him. You believed him, he was very good at hiding his cheating (and I’m betting she’s not the first “only” girlfriend he’s had in the last 3.5 years).
You are NOT pathetic. And the pain will get better and it will get easier… but it will take time.
This is not about his age, it’s about his morals and his integrity and his ethics. Clearly cheating and lying is acceptable to him. YOU DESERVE better than a man who hides you away for 3.5 years as a dirty secret, who clearly lies to you, who clearly cheats on you, and who lies and cheats on the other women as well. IN the long run you will see you are better off.
But for right now it hurts. Badly. Hugs to you.
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A
female
reader, Lala C +, writes (29 March 2013):
Lala C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can not thank everyone again,I am at work, I told my daughter, she knew that something was wrong, she just never thought it was this. She listened and sat with out judgement for a time, let me cry, then gave me some words to carry me through till I get home from work tonite.I never would have told her, with out the encouragement from each one of you who responded to me. Thank you again.I have not called or texted, and neither has he.As my daughter said, although I was in it for 3.5 years I was just the other women to him, in between everyone else he probably had a relationship with. The hurt is still here, but like you all have said, hopefuuly soon, it wont hurt as bad. Thank you to all my unknown friends. It has only been a week, But my desperation seems to be getting better, and knowing I can talk to someone, has helped me.Bless you all, truly from the bottom of my broken heart.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): Regardless of age, I think your ex-boyfriend doesn't have any integrity and he doesn't deserve you. You are better than him. You deserve someone who will love you 100% and will not cheat on you. I understand your feeling at this moment. But as time pass by, when days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months... you will forget this guy. Trust me, I have been in your shoes too, although the guy that I am dating that time is just the same age as me. I felt betrayed and foolish at that time. I even met the girl and she did like to be my friend. I was naive to not even doubt. It will hurt at first and you will doubt your own beauty. The only thing that you could do right now is to grieve, but also I might suggest that you should go to a spa and treat yourself. You might want to shop for a new clothes and have a new haircut or maybe have some makeover. Because sooner or later when you might bump into this guy, he will regret of losing you. He will say to himself, I was so stupid to cheat on her. Of course, at this time you look so gorgeous and you are probably with another guy that he only thinks of you. So now you may grieve but don't dwell on it too much because there is someone out there waiting for your affection and love.
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A
female
reader, Lala C +, writes (29 March 2013):
Lala C is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u all for your kind thoughts and words..i appreciate each and every one....tomorrow is his birthday,, so it will be another hard day....no calls or texts,, i will reread each response whenever i feel sad..
Thanks again..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): I'm so sorry for your pain. You are right, nobody can imagine the pain of seeing your lover with another woman and to add salt to the wound, it was a deception going on right under your nose for an entire year. It is important to give you advice as well as words of encouragement. I don't know how recent this was but there is a point where you have to get back up and keep going on with your life just as you had been doing before you met him. To be frank, from the start you were playing with fire and you seem to be aware of this. Not only was he twenty years younger (which doesn't even require me to go into the implication behind that) but he also kept you hidden from everybody in his life. And at your age, I'm pretty sure you know what that means and how big of a red flag that was and sorta like an omen of how things would unfold. You knew from the start it was a dead end type of relationship. You knew at some point things would come crashing down. And it happened. And it sucks I know. But, listen, why do you feel you can't tell anyone? You don't think people have affairs or fall in love with the wrong person all the time? I feel like part of your pain is because you have so many emotions bottled up that need to be released! You NEED to go out with a girlfriend or any good friend and let it all out. Have wine or a martini, cry and have someone listen to you and your experience. You can't just sit around and bottle it all up, it's unhealthy. And cope with your heartache all alone. I accidentally went out with a guy 12 years younger than me once. He was still a teenager (19 years old) . I say accidentally because he lied about his age. My friends still make fun of me to this day. This experience is not all painful and I am sure you can find some light at the end of the tunnel even if it's sitting with your girlfriends and laughing about some iota of ridiculousness in the whole situation. It's yin and yang. There is always light even in the darkest situation. I really encourage you to TALK about this. People around you can offer you such different perspectives as well as the support you need right now. Nobody should have to go through heartache alone. You should never feel like you cannot talk about anything with your friends or family members.If you do so it would probably be such a release and a refreshing experience. Once you confide what you've been through to someone near you I am positive you will feel a hundred times better. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): I'm sorry I know how bad you must feel. He isn't worth your tears, he wasn't the one (which you already know). I'm going thru a breakup too & it hurts & I wish I knew the magic words to make things better.
Do yourself a favor & don't let him hurt you again. If he calls (and I'm sure he will) don't answer. Don't allow a man who can cause this kind of pain a second chance.
You're not alone, a lot of women are feeling exactly the same way you are & it will get better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Honestly, this man is NOT a keeper. He is a have fun for a little while kind of guy.
The whole "won't introduce to family & friends" should tell you right of the bat that he is NOT seeing you as a girl-friend or partner, but as a "dirty secret". No one should be embarrassed of whom they date.
Block him in EVERY aspect of your life from Facebook to cell phone and accept that he WASN'T the LOVE of your life. He was more of a F-buddy in reality.
It IS OK to feel hurt, to feel heart broken when your "world" (so to speak) comes crashing own. SO DO take a few days to mourn it, feel sorry for yourself, and then you NEED to pick yourself up and let it go. Holding on to anger or grief rarely helps. Not long term.
The guy is a dumbass, who thought he could two-time two woman and never get caught. It almost worked, well at least for a year.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 March 2013):
Don't be hard on yourself. I am in my mid-20s and I have the expectation that a mid-20s man would not cheat on me either, it's not some given just due to your age, HE's the one that has the problem. Again, the age difference alone shouldn't stop you from venting to friends and family, why should it? No one in your life would support you unconditionally and unjudgmentally? I think you need to reach out to someone before you can take bigger steps forward. That person can provide you perspective, support, and will help you start to get through this. You don't have to do this alone. People care and don't want to see you suffer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): I am so sorry this happened to you. It's not pathetic, you had feelings for this man. And he turned out to be just another pig.Something like this happened to my girlfriend...the two crossed paths at the gym, she was a trainer and was looking for people to make referals so my friend gave her her "boyfriend's" name...um...turned out her boyfriend had been with the trainer women for about two years. They compared notes and though it was so difficult for both of them, they bonded over it and kicked the asshole to the curb.It's going to take time as you don't have support to get through this. Keep yourself busy. Let yourself grieve, but DON'T let this man have power over you. DON'T let him shatter you or defeat you. It may not seem like it now, but there ARE good and honorable men out there. Though a man that age may have been good for many things in your life, they are not necessarily so good at morals, good judgement and choosing right from wrong...they are often still playing around and havent' matured enough in their brain to choose to respect a women enough not to pretend a serious relationship when what they really want is to spread themselves wherever and whenever they see something pretty. Use this experience as a learning one...really take the time to reflect on the signs he was giving you during your entire relationship. You will see them all very loud and clear now. Learn from this and don't fall into the same trap and do this again. Best of luck to you and hang in there...yes it will be a bumby road for a while, but you will get past it and life will look good again for you!
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