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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi everyoneMy boyfriend and I are going to be moving in together for the first time at the end of this month. I was very excited at first, we've always talked and fantasized about it and it was actually me who got the ball rolling, but now for some reason I feel scared and am having second thoughts. Is this normal? If I love him then why do I feel this way? My only clue is maybe because his parents are beginning to talk about marriage since they found out we were moving in together. I don't know if I really want to marry anyone, it seems like it will make things too complicated. I also don't want to have children and I feel like his family is expecting it from me. I don't want to feel like I'm trapped. Should I go ahead with it and treat it like a trial marriage? I had a romantic view about moving in together but now I'm thinking about all the things that could go wrong, like maybe we will disagree on how to do things around the house and that maybe we will get bored with eachother. What should I do???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Hi
Thanks for answering my question so nicely, I feel a bit more at ease now. We have been together for 4 years altogether now (went out for two years, split up for 1 and a half years and got together again for another two years). Yes, I am worried that he will leave his stuff lying around, I am a very neat and orderly person and his mother has spoiled him by picking his stuff up after him, she does too much for him in my opinion and she knows it(she told me so the other day)which has resulted in him not really knowing how to things for himself. I even had to apply for jobs for him because he was doing volunteer work at a place in the hopes of getting a job there someday and I'm sure he would've carried on doing that had I not intervened. I don't want to pick up where she left off and be the parental figure and do everything for him. It kind of puts me off because it feels like I have a child rather than a boyfriend at times. But he has offered me unconditional love, affection and stability and has helped me through some really bad patches in my life, he is my best friend. But my question is, if I am having cold feet just about moving in with him how am I going to feel about taking the relationship to the next logical step i.e. marriage?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): How long are with him?
Yeah cold feet is very normal, moving in together is a commitment but I think you are putting far too much pressure on yourself and letting all this talk of marriage and kids etc get to you too.
If you are together for a while then it's not going to be that big a change depending on how much time you spend in contact already.
You need to think of this in a lot more casual light. This isn't a dry run for a marriage nor is it a precursor to having kids or any of that crap. You need to look at the now and not listen to all this big plans distant future stuff that his parents are talking. You're just going to move in with your boyfriend, that's it. The same as you would move in with your friends while going to college etc. No big deal, he's just becoming your roommate now too.
There will be disagreements and minor arguments about things, there will even be annoying little habits you will find out about each other on a day to day basis but he's your boyfriend not much will change. Just remember he's becoming your roommate and live in boyfriend it's a step but it's not some huge thing no need to make it into one.
It's the logical next step in your relationship and honestly if you decide it can be the last step too. You don't need to think about marriage or kids or anything like that. You just have to focus on enjoying being together, let his parents dream and all that stuff. That's what parents do. For you this is just a means of getting closer to the guy you love.
As for getting bored of each other that won't happen. You will just get into a comfortable routine and it's very easy to spice that up.
This might sound strange but I find when you move in with a partner that you actually get a lot more freedom. You see you no longer have to actually commit to meeting with each other, ringing each other etc to see each other because you live with that person. You know that at the end of the day when you go home your partner will be there ready to throw his/her arms around you and cuddle. You get to do mundane day to day things with your partner, watch stuff on the tv read a book and anytime you like you can get cozy. Eat dinner with each other most nights and relax and enjoy each others company.
Just make sure you maintain your own interests and life outside of the relationship. Make sure you still have "you" time. it's important you both still have a bit of personal space and time alone. Most of all though you should be excited, it's actually a lot of fun and it is the next step in sharing your life with someone.
One piece of advice though, if he starts leaving his clothes lying around expecting you to wash them all the time or is lazy in that way and never puts on a wash etc. Just put his clothes in a corner and leave them there. It really only takes one or two times that he looks for clean clothes and doesn't have any to wake up and start doing them himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): move it, dont get married as of yet, give it a year see how things develop and then take it from there
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