A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello!Thank you for taking the time to read the following. I know it's long, but I've come across posts by others where they've been asked for more details, so here goes...In the last, I don't know, month or so, I've been feeling like old anxiety and depression issues have been creeping up again. They've gotten worse since the holidays, especially in the last week.Approximately three years ago I started having what was my first serious case of the above, it got worse about a year and a half in, but then I eventually started to feel like I was gaining some control over my life and emotions again this time last year. I was seeing my doctor regularly and eventually tried meds, too, which seemed to help. I also started working again and was keeping busy with hobbies.I also started talking/getting to know a guy, my boyfriend, in Mar/Apr last year and then started seeing him in May. Eventually I opened up to him about all of this. He's been supportive from the get-go. Four months into our relationship, I stopped taking my meds - under my doctor's ok and supervision. In our fifth month, I noticed that something wasn't right, so I asked my boyfriend what was the matter: he said he was under a lot of stress and felt bad for not putting as much into the relationship and he felt like he lost the ability to flirt with me and he only sometimes felt attracted to me. Obviously hearing this really hurt as I care for him and thought things were going well. I asked him if he wanted space, but he said no. Also, he said he didn't want to break up and he wasn't giving up. I know I was initiating relationship talks out of panic and fear of losing him, but then I stopped because I saw how it was draining him, and quite frankly I was exhausted, too. (This was before our sixth month.)We've been together for almost eight months now and he started coming back (a week or two after I stopped the talks) as in, putting effort into the relationship again. His affections (kisses, hand holding, etc.) returned over time and I was starting to feel happy about our relationship again and he seemed to be as well. It's still on the mend, I know it takes time, but we care about each other and feel we can overcome this, and that we'll be fine.The upsetting part is that we hadn't had sex for about three months, and the first time since, happened right before the holidays. I think I believed if that happened again, things would be better. He didn't put a stop to it, in fact I was feeling like he was ready to try again (at some point, maybe a week before, he said the attraction for me was coming back on his part), so I kept on and we did it. I think maybe we both tried too hard and weren't satisfied with the result. Also, I was no longer on the pill and he said that contributed to his not finishing. It hasn't happened again since and at first I was bummed about it, but now I realize it's probably best as we get to work on other aspects before having another go.I feel as that's when it started going downhill for me though. It probably started because I was feeling inadequate (he's my first) and unattractive and undesirable, etc. (Fyi: I know women do this to themselves, it's a vicious cycle, sigh) because of that experience. Then I started having "do I still care for him as much as I did? am I attracted to him anymore? do I like him in that way?" and so on. We haven't exchanged the L word at all. I had thought about it, and thought that I did feel that type of love for him before the rough patch, but I'm not so certain these days and I don't know if it's because rough patch hurt is haunting me, or if the mental/emotional issues are talking, or if it's my heart. I feel incapable of making such a decision right now though (yet can't stop over-thinking... it's driving me insane!)We spent our first Christmas and NYE together, both of which I tried to make the best of. I know my thought and over-thinking got in the way, and I feel terrible about it, which makes me even more upset and... See what I mean? I've also been physically unwell (nausea) - could very well be from all the anxiety and the fact that I'm not eating well or enough. I'm also in bed sleeping a lot more than usual.On NYE after the festivities, we came back to my place and he made me a cup of tea and we watched a movie and lay down on the sofa together. Once the movie ended, I started crying and told him that I'm hurting and I don't know why all this is happening to me again and I'm really confused and don't know how I feel about anything and... I said maybe he shouldn't be with somebody like me. Basically giving him an out. He said that that was his decision to make and he was going to be there with me, he wasn't going anywhere. I didn't want him to stay out of pity (or guilt) and he said that wasn't the case.How can I overcome this and stop putting these pressures on myself and on my relationship, too? I feel so awful and I cry a lot (usually on my own, at home) and constantly battle between how I feel about myself, how I feel about him/our relationship, and life in general. Work has me on an on-and-off schedule, so lack of a steady income and routine is another source of stress.I'm definitely going to see my doctor as soon as I can get an appointment. I'm also going to try acupuncture for the first time. I've looked into picking up other hobbies and courses that I've wanted to try (like running, yoga, meditation, cooking, languages) and just as I'm writing this, I feel like attending church again, too.My boyfriend is being really supportive and caring and I would be in a terrible state of another kind if I pushed him away at this time and realized it was a mistake later on. I know that I don't want to burden him with all of this either, so I'm going to have to figure out how to go about it: suggestions? He asks and I update him, but I don't want to make it the only thing we talk about. (That's another thing, I feel like our chit-chat has taken a hit, too.)I know I need to focus on me now, on getting better and overcoming whatever it is that I'm experiencing. I guess I'm just wondering if anybody else has gone through anything like this or similar to, and what was your plan of action and outcome. I know I need to put my mindset back on a positive path, and have faith that things will get better. I just really don't want to screw up a relationship over this situation either, because I don't know from where those thoughts are coming.Words of wisdom anybody? Thank you so much!!
View related questions:
christmas, flirt, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): Your boyfriend sounds like someone really nice, very willing to work on the relationship. Most of the anxiety seems to come from you and he is very understanding. So hang onto him!
You say about meds for the depression and anxiety, but what about counselling? This could really help you; ask your doctor about it.
|
