A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I actually was the one who initiated the breakup, although you couldn't tell from this convo lol, and he said he agreed we weren't right for each other and that he was glad it was mutual and amicable.So this is about 2 weeks later. We work together. I did something I shouldn't have and sent him 2 underwear pics offering to hook up last night. At first he said yes and was showering and ready to come over, then I started to have doubts about it. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea and I'd regret it in the morning...but what the heck...he declined, saying he didn't want me to feel bad. I thanked him.This morning he's come up to my desk twice to talk and has been really cute and flirty and has dropped sexual jokes as always.I texted him asking for reassurance that he wouldn't show the pics, and WE BOTH (with me starting it) made jokes about it but with an underlying serious message that they pics wouldn't be shown.Texting convo Him: Of course. No need to reiterate. I know better. I'm disappointed that you don't trust me.I never would. I'll just delete em, it's not worth having you worry. You said you trust me but you clearly don't.Me: I just wanted some genuine reassurance and all I get it "I know better. I'll delete em it's not worth it." Wow I'm glad I mean so much to you. I was upfront with you from the beginning, either before our first date or shortly after, about what I wanted and expected, and you've treated me like barely above a hookup anyway which isn't fair bc I was honest and you went ahead anyway. That makes you wrong.Him: I told you seriously that I would never have shown them. And I meant it. They're uber-private and I really liked them and would never have jeopardized our friendship for that. I'm serious. As far as us, I meant what I said when we started. In my mind it was a rltshp and that's the way I acted, despite what you mean have thought. In the end we were I think we were diff in important ways and it wasn't working. We gave it a shot. I don't regret it and liked being with u. I'm sad it didn't but not angry. Those are my feelings, I wasn't misleading u or intentionally treating u as a hookup. We were more. And I'm sorry for not reassuring u w the photos. I will not.Me: Okay.Me: It's weird to me how someone can flirt so passionately in person and via text with someone you dated, calling them the old nicknames etc...and then call it a "friendship." I guess that's one of the important ways we're diff.Him: I meant friendship or relationship. I was trying to express my feelings on the bigger picture. Not have it dissected for one word.Him: Ur making me out to be some giant *** who never cared about u, when in my mind it was always the opp and I tried to treat u that way.Me: Please don't get defensive. I know I'm not blameless. I've sent mixed signals and esp recently I haven't played the part of any angel...I also acknowledge my fair share of accountability for what we did together, bc I was every bit the willing participant. No, no you're not an ***. I know you're a good guy..I just feel hurt and I wish some of the decisions both of us made had been different. It's partially my fault, partially yours and partially nobody's. But I'm upset and can't ignore my feelings or attachment that I developed for you--that part is nobodys fault. See, I'm a virgin, and a female no less, so when I have an intimate encounter, the pheromones released after any sexual activity create a bond. Feelings don't disintegrate overnight...just like they didn't develop overnight.Him: I know and I should've been more sensitive to that fact. If I had known the breakup wasn't on mutual feelings I wouldn't have texted u in that way. I may not be the best at relationships but never once have I tried to intentionally hurt you.Me: Ok well the breakup was mutual but that doesn't mean that feelings evaporate suddenly, at least not for me... and regardless of the breakup, I told you LONG ago and reiterated several times taht I don't do casual sex well and i'll absorb the blame for the texting, but you have initiated the in-person comeons everyday almost since the breakup, even after I told you it was making it harder for my feelings to die..didn't phase you for an house. And no, Glenn, you didn't once do something intentionally to hurt me...that would require considering my feelings.Him: And you're right, I wish it was diff too and I have been bad lately. At first I stayed apart afterwards but have been bad bc even though we didn't work out my feelings haven't died yet. I'll be better about it. Sorry.Me: Okay. Same with me.Him: I'm bad about putting myself in others shoes but u have to believe me that wasn't trying to hurt u. That's all I have to say on that in the end. I may have been an *** but wasn't trying to. I wasn't considerate. Sorry. ___________ Did I blow it by sending him the pics? Did I make him lose respect for me? Is there a chance that down the road we may resume our relationship? I really want him back :-(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (12 April 2011):
 hey,np :)
well u came off as immature. american idol..really? LOL.
u acted like a little girl basically. u should have told him in a calm manner that u didnt like what u saw. then he would have explained.the key is to express what u want with firm words. he does want u,but he was dissappointed the way u acted about the cancelation of plans..
u wsnt him back right?
heres what u do
1) call him and firmly say u wanna seee him.
2) see him after work. during work,if he asks what u have in mind, answer ur working right now but u will discuss it later.
3) explain in clear words (the texts were nice but this isnt shakespeare) that u were annoyed with what happened with that girl.
4) let him say somthing
5) tell him u would like to give it another shot,and ur gonna take it slowly,ask him if he would like to date u again.
keep me posteed
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answering Mizz Butterflies :-) I called it off bc he wasn't spending enough time with me, and one evening after work he said goodbye to me and left with a young female co-worker w/out any explanation as to why. This didn't sit well w/ me. He had gotten busy the previous weekend and we didnt see each other, but he had made plans with me for the upcoming weekend (it was a Wedn. he left w/ the girl, we were going to see each other Sat.) So he texted me 30 mins after leaving w/ her and acted like everything was normal. He said he missed me and couldn't wait to see me etc..I responded coldly canceling our weekend plans. In hind site, I realize it seems a little hasty. He was disappointed and asked if he could see me the following evening after work for dinner. I told him no. The next day he approached my desk and asked what my plans were that I could not see him. I replied telling him I had to watch American Idol. This didn't go over well. I looked him in the eye and said, "We all have our priorities." He responded to my anger and distance, but still overall acted like we were a couple...so I ended it w/ him that weekend. Turns out, the girl had just moved in w/ her long-term boyfriend and she was now going to be going to his train station, so he was showing her. Either way, I felt as though he should have explained this to me sooner. I'm not of the belief that two people in a relationship don't owe each other an explanation. There were also other problems--just the overall lack of time, I expect to see the guy I'm dating twice a week, not once a week and occassionally he's even gonna skip that so it's gonna be every other week!! And I was a bit surprised that he didn't try to work it out, he didnt call to discuss my issues..he just tried to let it die down until ultimately I just ended it. I apparently made the right decision bc he agreed we weren't right for each other and, as you can see, hasn't made a move to get me back since.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (12 April 2011):
why did u guys even break up??
he seems to really care about u.
u sound as if u dont trust him.
u should have never sent the pics.
tell us the reason u decided to call it off...?
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