A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 3 years. After 5 years of dating I became pregnant with our first child. We got married while I was pregnant and had another child shortly thereafter. We now have 2 kids under 5. Before we had children we both liked to drink and smoke pot. Once I became pregnant I quit both. I asked my husband to stop smoking pot as he could loose his job if he were to get drug tested and now with having a child to provide for it wasn't worth the risk. He agreed to stop smoking, or so I thought. A little over a year ago as my husband was leaving for work, I ran out to give him something he had forgot, he wasn't expecting me and I caught him smoking pot. I asked him how long he had been smoking and he said the entire time. That's like 2 years! I felt so betrayed. Not only because he was smoking pot when we had agreed that it was not good for our family, but because I felt lied to. I had suspicions of it every once in a while, but he had always denied it, so I believed him. This was the beggining of our downfall. If I could smell it on him, I would ask him about it and he would deny it. That didn't mean anything to me anymore, I just felt like he was lying to me again. About 4 months ago he quit hiding it all together. He would go to the gaurage and smoke and leave his pipe and weed out. He deny's ever buying it, but I know pot isn't free, so again I felt lied to. Plus he would always take out cash and say it was for food, but he charged all food to the ATM card so that didn't make sence. Then I start to think if he is going to lie to me about pot who knows what he would lie to me about. One morning about 2 weeks ago I gave my husband an ultamadem. I told him that if he wanted to stay with me he needed to stop smoking pot because it was getting out of control. He put me over the edge when he went into the garage to smoke at 8:00 in the morning. I felt like he couldn't even spend a sober morning with his family which made me really sad. Anyway, he chose to stay with me. At first he was grouchy and would be mean to me and yell at the kids and justify it by saying he just quit smoking pot so now he's an a--hole. Then this weekend he sleept in till 11:30 a.m. because he was hung over from drinking again (this happens every weekend), I got up with our kids at 6:00 a.m. When he got up he watched tv, didn't play with our kids, then went across the street to our neighbor's house without saying anything to me. When he came back he reeked of pot! I asked him if he had smoked and he immediately denied it and tried to change the subject. I kissed him and could taste the pot smoke. I was furious. He just lied to me again, to my face while looking me in the eye! Well I told him to leave because that was our deal. If wanted to continue smoking pot, we were over. He left for the day, went drinking at his friends house, and came back at 5 p.m. I told him that I was mad, not just because he smoked pot and broke his promise, but because he had lied to me, again. He starts going off on me saying that nobody quits smoking pot cold turkey, and that I'm a hippocrit and go to the bar when he doesn't want me to. Let me explain that part... I still like to drink and will sometimes go out to the local bar with my girlfriends or with my husband's sister. My husband and I used to go to this bar together all the time and occasionally still go together. My husband will also go to this bar by himself or with his friends. All the people who work there are our mutual friends so I thought my husband felt comfortable with me going there because he would know if I did anything, like flirting or whatever, which I absolutely don't do. Well as I was saying, the way my husband justifies smoking pot and lying to me is because I go to the bar with my friends. I told him it's the lies that hurt more than anything. Also, in my defense I never leave without him saying ok, I may be persistant is asking him, but never leave when he says No. Plus, the only time I go out is after I put our kids to sleep for the night. I don't sacrifice time with my family so that I can get messed up, like he does. I asked my husband why he hadn't even appologized for lying to me again and he said that he wasn't going to. That he didn't need to because he not a liar. He only lies about pot because I'm so ridiculous.It is this lying and addiction to pot in combination with a few other things that are making me feel like I'm falling out of love with my husband. He cooks dinner, and picks the kids up from preschool and watches them for two hours until I get off work, then that's it. That is the extent of the help I receive. He can't put his clothes in the dirty clothes hamper, or even throw away his own paper plates. And if the kids want to play with him he tells them, "Go play with your mom". I feel like he's treating me and my kids unfairly. What do I do? He won't go to counseling, he thinks it's stupid. I don't want any other man, I'm just falling out of love with my husband. Please help!
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female
reader, livelaughlove23 +, writes (14 December 2010):
He's not going to stop smoking pot of he doesn't really want or need to. He has many reasons as to why he should stop, but sometimes not even that's enough, unfortunately. I feel that you should stay, because you used to smoke pot yourself, before having a baby. That was most likely the main reason you stopped. Imagine, if you didn't have the baby, would you still be smoking (even a little bit?). I hope his job doesn't drug test him, I hope one day soon he will decide to stop. But, guys will be guys with the dirty clothes and hamper thing..guys will definitely be guys!lol. When a person stops smoking pot, it can be hard to quit for good. And yes, it will make him grouchy, lazy, tired, whenever he is not smoking. It seems like if he isn't smoking, he's going to substitue the marijuana for alcohol (this is very common!) either way. He is going to quit when he's ready. He might even want to quit smoking, but can't. I know withe cigarettes, I would LOVE to quit, but can't right now. I'm sure I could if I really wanted to, but right now, I don't want too! U guys have children together..don't throw the relationshipa way just because he smokes and can be lazy. Give him some more time, seriously. If he loses his job, he will be sorry and it will be a wake up call AND THEN leave him, if you must. but you do need the support! Unless you really want it to be over and you have supportive family and friends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advise. I think that I am ready to take the step of telling him to move out. It's not that I want our marriage to be over, but he gives me no choice. He made his choice when he smoked pot after telling me he wouldn't, now I have to follow through. Maybe once he's not living at home he'll realize what a dummy he's being and straighten up his act. I can only hope he does the right thing as I feel I've done all I can do.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 December 2010):
 He won't stop unless he wants to. He doesn't want to so he'll just hide it better and better. Honestly, quitting pot is easy. I did it after college with no problems. Cold turkey. That's because pot is biochemically much different than other drugs, and it doesn't influence the same addiction centers other narcotic drugs do.
An intervention may be necessary, but really he's just a lazy pot head. Many rehab programs aren't designed for this drug because very few people actually have addictive problems with it.
You have to decide if this is your tipping point or not. If you make an ultimatum, it only works if you stick it out. If you tell him you're leaving, then you have to leave. Otherwise it's an empty threat that is easy to ignore.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Your options are limited. He's got an addiction. He's got a drug problem. People who are addiction or having drug problems don't THINK they have a problem... that's part of the addiction. And it's destroying your family. He needs to quit. Obviously he hasn't been able to do it alone, so the first step is figuring out how to cure him of his addiction. Rehab would be my first suggestion.
Eliminating his addiction would be a major first step. From there, you two can look at marriage counseling. Again, it doesn't matter if he thinks it's stupid or not... he needs to realize that his marriage won't last if he doesn't do something.
Which brings me to my next point. It may take a major act on your part to force him to take his next step. This might include you leaving him. Or kicking him out. Something will need to change, and obviously you can't leave it up to him because if he has a choice - he will choose his addiction.
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