A
female
age
36-40,
*9_bananas
writes:My fiance and I have been together for seven years. We're young- no older than 22 and We've lived together for three of the seven. A few months back i woke up randomly from having gone to sleep early and noticed pink light on the walls from the next room. My very first thought was "porn? there's no way... he's not that desperate/hard-up." I mean, at that time- we had just had seriously awesome sex in the shower just a few hours earlier! But... I guess that wasn't good enough or something. Ever since then I've been paranoid and catching him a lot (he always encourages me to go to bed early and then does it or waits till I'm in the shower! ...both scenarios that he could always come to me!!) I've told him how this sucks for me on multiple levels. 1.) I feel left out =P I have a very high sex drive and tend to be the one turned down =(2.) I feel undesirable ='( and tossed aside.3.) I'm being forced into being an obstacle or some kind of mom figure because of all the sneaking...and that's just not me- i'm more of the random and carefree type. Now I'm a bit paranoid and have been checking his history and etc... i nvr wanted to be like this!! 'spying' on him makes me feel like crap too... i wanna trust him. i wanna share his habit w/ him. make it sexy and okay and everything! damnit!4.) I also feel like a dumbass for not noticing this the first 2 years we've lived together and for also thinking he was above watching porn and/or outgrew it. Should've known better, i guess. Guys are guys.So- after the freak-outs after catching him watching porn ...in which all these feelings were brought to light he got very defensive (i don't blame him here- i was out for blood- i don't handle disrespect lightly) Basically what he had to say was that it's different than sex with me; That it "has nothing to do with me" and that it's just "quick and easy".Ways of tried to overcome this...-asked him to watch it only when i'm not here (says i'm always here... even tho i'm not- so have recently decided to pick up a night class and a gym membership (excercise can help my now-crappy confidence level...right? but, hopefully, it doesn't increase my sex drive...!) -I've been trying to get him to watch porn w/ me but he's hell-bent against it!!- says it's seperate and that my desire to watch it w/ him is a turn off!!! -... and i even downloaded some for us to share =(-I video taped myself once for him and he didn't watch it... a week went by and I deleted it because i was nervous and you'd think he'd wanna watch it first thing, right? so, screw putting myself on the line like that and getting put-off for a week!-my already higher-than-his sexdrive has spiked recently too. I've come to the conclusion that my body's decided to compete with porn on a subconscious/physiological level because i've never been happy w/ not climaxing and now I'm fine w/ it- but i don't skip it often at all.- incorporated some of the porn preferences he has into our sex life.-bought a sexy new skintight dress ;) but still- we do it and then he watches porn not two hrs later while i'm asleep in the next room! =(-tried a to not care- or seem like i don't- and things just go back to how they were b4 i walked in on him... sex 2-3x a week (he keeps shirt on and then goes back to whatever he was doing b4 rite after) if i'm lucky and then porn 4-5x a week, even after we had sex that day and even tho I'm just in the next room showering or sleeping. Except- now i know and it hurts me.my Q is... what else can I do? i love him like crazy, so leaving's not an option... and i don't even mind him watching porn when i'm gone or sick... but he does it while i'm home!- in the next room!- totally accesible!!... and when i do catch him i wanna join him but he won't let me! Is he still even attracted to me? i mean, we do still have sex!.... or does he now resent me for having caught him and been straight w/ him about my feelings and everything?? and how the hell to i deal w/ that?? I just don't know what to do...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): celiaaletta how do I stay sane? I sorta don't. Sometimes I can do the 'everything's perfect act' but it always gets screwed up and then I seem like I have Bipolar disorder or something when I actually say what I'm thinking... ihatewomanbeaters thanx, ur sweet.ADR386 no, he never does initiate sex. It's sorta the heart of all this... I supposedly am 'too much' for him and he says he never has an opportunity to initiate anything because I'm 'always'.
A
male
reader, ADR386 +, writes (26 January 2010):
 Well, if he can't appreciate the savings in batteries that will come with that expensive rechargeable sex toy...
It sounds like you've put in a lot of effort and I might just be lazy but I can't imagine what more you could do that would be worth him cutting back on the porn.
Does he ever initiate sex? The ridiculing you for expressing that you want to have sex later is one of the more bizarre things I've read on this site.
Also, what exactly goes on when you catch him with the porn? Are you chastising him for it right then, while he's got his junk out and his pants at his ankles? Because, yeah, I can see how he might not be the most receptive then.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (23 January 2010):
 99 bananasNo you do not love him. You love the illusion he presented to you as if that was the real guy.The real guy is the child with a PS3 that has porn on it.Give me a break. I thought that was childish when i was 10. (although i did like spanking natalia in 007 golden eye on N64 then) LOL!You have to leave him.A partner for life is only someone to keep if you two complete eachother.You are MY age. You have no idea what you are missing out on.Don't do this.
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A
female
reader, 99_bananas +, writes (22 January 2010):
99_bananas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionre: ihatewomanbeaters & celialetta: thanks so much for ur advice, you two! this is just the sort of thing that I can't talk to anyone i know about...! (my fiance and I have basically the same ring of friends) and thanks for reading my really long posts and updates and everything too! I needed confirmation of the situation- that it's confusing and that i'm not being an unreasonable bitch and that i've tried everything possible on my part and, most importantly, that i don't have to take this and that I need to retain my dignity and demand respect in all this. I still need to develop the will to b able to convincingly have leaving him an option. I just love him so much and have also put so much into this relationship to seriously consider leaving him! =(
UPDATE:
I guess it's either black or white w/ him... we fought again yesterday night and he told me to do whatever the hell I wanted to... lol- so i dropped nearly $80 on that awesome toy i was talking about getting b4 (a lelo iris) and then later he was screaming at me over it and throwing and breaking things too (we have a joint bank account so he felt it was his business!- sound comparable to my argument about how his porn usage does have to do w/ OUR (joint) sex life?) & I was refusing to tell him what it cost exactly- only saying that it 'doesn't involve him' and that there's no reason to be all violent cuz it's not going to break the bank or anything (tho it was expensive enough to hurt a bit- now he can't get one or two of the three PS3 games he was going to come Feb...) And w/ PS3 games costing around $60 ea. I figure- he has tons of them and planning on buying even more and $80 isn't too far off. So, this expense is nothing compared to what he does anyhow. Plus, this toy is rechargeable! =P
Another thing i did was to 'give him permission'- by telling him he can do it (himself) in the morning as that would only make him last longer later and thus *positively* affect our sex life rather than negatively- and this also disarms any chance that porn seems more enticing because it's 'forbidden' (it's not forbidden- just when i'm in the next room or avail.- is when i get pissed about it...)
ALSO- he deleted all the porn... when i tried to watch it while he was sitting nxt to me- he yanked the controller out of my hands violently (he has it on the PS3) and deleted both folders of it... HOW POINTLESS- i mean- i'm not stupid, he can redownload it @ any time so there's no way i'd ever believe that it means he's stopping and if he ever tried saying he's going to quit that would only make me distrust him because it'd b a blatant lie and- now i can't even share the porn habit indirectly via using the same collection- which cuts me out even more... but most importantly- I don't even want him to stop entirely- porn isn't a bad thing!!- it's just that he does it when i'm in the next room and/or avail! I'm not being unreasonable here!! wtf?
Anyhow- he's all cold now and has sort of shut down or something saying he's going to sell back his latest PS3 game purchase and stop playing the PS3 and using his comp! how extreme is that?! wtf! He's refusing to compromise at all- i'm trying to reach a middleground here, a balance, and he's going from one extreme to the other... it's either he's entirely right and i'm being a complete freak and a bitch or i'm entirely right and he's 'worthless' and 'screws up everything'! even in the mode he is in now (the one where i'm right about everything and he zombily says he wants to do whatever i want to) he still refuses to watch porn w/ me. & he's been getting violent and more distant & cold... except for last night- i made a concession and gave him a bj that only took 8 min.! (...as if that's not 'quick and easy') cuz i've caught him watching porn the other night and yesterday morning and figured he's prolly more irritable and unreasonable for physioligical reasons, right?, =P and after he didn't offer anything (like, say, oral...) to me so I got pissed at him and told him he's only interested in pleasing me when he's getting pleased too... that he's selfish and then i tried to go to sleep and couldn't so, while he was laying next to me i started fingering myself and he said it was humiliating for him and i told him it wouldn't b so damn complicated if he'd just be a little mindful of my needs and join in or initiate w/out all thru all this b.s. first- ... and so, he did join in then and things went great (sexually) from there. =P
but it still required me to tell him what to do and when... as if it just never occurs to him to make a move on me or something. idk...
...so...it's all one-sided still!
I mean-
I'm all-in and he seems to only be in it for himself. It has a hollow feeling that stems from his coldness and apathy- i'm hoping time will bring us back around and maybe it'll get better...or maybe it'll trail off and sour into one of those relationships where each party is only just hurting the other but r still together out of habit or depression or something. I don't want that... & I don't want that 4 him either... & that tells me that it's not like that now- cuz i still care about him and his happiness... But, i guess the big question is, does he still care about me and my happiness?
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (22 January 2010):
oh excuse me- he doesnt want to have sex
Well if he is not on drugs or failing at keeping a job and you are the same as you were before, tell him you are going to leave.
It is ridiculous to bitch about having sex too much when he's watching porn.
The only other possibility is you have different schedules, but you said that watches porn while you are home.
No offense, he is an idiot.
You have done what you can.
He doesn't want to have sex and wants to watch porn.
He doesn't want to have sex when you will do the stuff in the porn he watches!
A relationship is pointless at your age when there is no intimacy and sex is a chore.
At this point you can give him an ultimatum, but he seems like the kind of person who will bitch about being given an ultimatum.
Or, you should leave.
DO NOT marry someone or commit to someone who is attracted to pixels on a screen more than they are to you.
I masturbate profusely and have sex constantly. porn is good, but it is not good when he starts replacing the peson he loves with the porn.
Good luck
Demand the respect you deserve
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A
female
reader, 99_bananas +, writes (22 January 2010):
99_bananas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionre: ihatewomanbeaters-
not sure where u got that we don't have sex- i've said that we still do- it's just that he complains about how much i want it and then goes and watches porn later too... he's not on any drugs and he's refused the fitness idea already. p.s. i'm not fat. i'm healthier than he is. but thanks 4 trying...
re: celiaaletta-
thanks, i'm really glad i posted this on here... I don't think i could convincingly say 'watch porn with me or i leave' but i may have to, i guess. And, yes, he's notorious for being an asshole. He's just never been one to me. He's said that the porn doesn't involve me and that sex with me and his porn watching are completely unrelated. That my being there would kill the mood. For obvious reasons, that isn't true. Sexual activity is sexual activity. It's like he's putting me into a 'mom' category- like i'm a masturbation deterrent or something!! ='( and i'm very open about it all... he gets all stuffy and refuses to talk about it- he just always says that he 'doesn't know' to any question from fav. position to time of day or frequency!
re: male anonymous-
...wow...if i'm not mistaken everyone really likes the climax. and in my post i've tried tons of come ons and proposing new things and the like- they didn't work... he makes fun of me for expressing that i want him later or whatever and calls me an 'horndog' or a 'nympho' and then i feel both rejected and a freak of nature. ...thanx, tho.
re: janniepeg-
i have been concerned about how my sex drive may be tied into this... i usually approach it in a way that says i 'can't but help want him' to avoid anything that may b taken as an attack on his manliness. (Men r so fragile) anyhow, ur right, i need to keep my options open. Part of the problem may be that i haven't seriously proposed leaving and so he thinks he's got it set and doesn't need to try w/ me anymore?
re: fernmew-
think about his pleasure before myself? isn't that what he's already doing?! wtf... i would never become a martyr like that. That'd solve nothing and end terribly. Can't fake stuff & nvr should. and, again, i've done plenty of dignity-costing stuff like initiating everything and proposing new things. he utterly refuses to watch porn w/ me and is weirded out by individually using the same selection even. he says he 'doesn't know' what his favorite position is and refuses even the use of lubricant, let alone toys or roleplaying... =( sorry, not going to martyr myself sensually over his selfishness...
IDEA-
going to get myself an awesome toy and leave him to his hand and the t.v. screen... only granting sex if he initiates it and if it's to MY liking! screw catering to him if he's only concerned w/ himself! lets see if he can live in the same tiny apartment with me taking care of myself and not relying on him anymore. A taste of his own medicine?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Sounds like porn addiction to me...go here...npsupport.net, read a bit, ask the ladies some questions, find out if he has an addiction. Preferring masturbation to real sex, not willing to share, sneaking it.. all signs of an addiction, but maybe not. Only you and he can figure that out. Oh, and the having sex with his t-shirt on and then returning to what he was doing...that's because he is not making love to you, he is masturbating in you, sorry, but that's the truth :(
You really do need to give yourself the mental freedom to say yes, I may have to leave him. What else are you willing to put up with in the name of love? Love shouldn't hurt...love is kind and selfless.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (22 January 2010):
He didn't one day just STOP having sex.
It must have been something.
1. He doesn't have a job anymore, and failed out of some career he was in.
2. He does drugs.
3. I don't want to sound rude but this is quite plausible, you have gained an inordinate amount of weight?
It is one of those 3 things. Sex is primal and very simple.
1 translates to depression
2 translates to altered status of mind
3 translates to a genuine unattraction resulting from letting go of the healthy lifestyle, knowing you didn't have to compete to find a mate anymore.
If it is
1 give him 6 months to get a job, quit jacking off, and start acting like an adult.
2 say, the drugs (cigs and booz included) or me
3 start working out, dieting, and living healthy together.
A. It will give you two something to do together
B. You will be healthy and not be incapacitated at 40 like my father
C. You both will have an increased sex drive, be more passionate with eachother, and have more in common.
Long term is not easy. You both need to be in it together 100% or it will not work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): Hmm, this sounds like a bit of a toughie. Hope some of these suggestions help.I disagree with the poster above me said about compromise. A compromise involves two people. What would you be giving up? I don't think compromising should ever be an immediate thing to do.I think the first thing that you should do is start talking about sex a lot more. Get some topics ready to talk about so he knows that you're interested enough to prepare beforehand. See how that goes, and be ready to talk a lot about your sexual thoughts, but be sure he contributes to the conversation. By now you should trust each other to talk about almost anything, but you may still need to work on it. Since he's kept it private for so long he may feel like he's betrayed you. (Don't assume he does feel that way, I'm just throwing that out there).I don't need to hear a ton about your sex life, but you both seem to enjoy the climax. Is it just sex that you guys do? Do you ever do quickies or oral? I don't know a guy who would say no to good head by their significant other.Porn, to many people, is a fantasy. Have you ever played Grand Theft Auto? Not everyone who plays the game goes out to steal a car, kill a hooker, and deal drugs. He may not actually want to do the things he looks at, but the idea alone could give him a freedom he doesn't have now. Maybe you could start by watching porn on your own time then talk about what you saw with him.Again, communication is more important than anything else. Be careful what you say. Don't say anything that he would become defensive about. Don't make this about him. Make it about you and your thoughts... let him change when he wants, otherwise he will be unhappy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 Leaving's not an option? Of course give yourself option, you don't want to get stuck. He is leaving you out. Maybe he is feeling stressed out that he could not satisfy you humongous need so he tried to turn himself into a hypersexual figure, and learn everything he has to do to satisfy you. His knowing you have a higher sex drive is robbing his manhood and he is trying to compensate that and control you by withholding what you need with him.But he needs to know that he is bothering you. He is trying to fix a problem, such as how to stay hard for a longer time. And when you complain about him watching porn, he gets even more stressed out. Lovers need to be relaxed to get turned on. So put yourself in his shoes too. But tell him excessive porn is not the answer.
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