A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in love beyond what I ever thought possible. I was once married (for almost 10 years), and left that relationship a hollow (cynical) man.I spent a lot of time learning about myself, my needs, and ultimately what I wanted. At about the time I was ready to venture out into the dating scene, I happened across an absolutely amazing woman. She is motivated, hardworking, loves do the things I do (travel, etc) – and not just because I do. We are both financially stable, and have almost nothing to fight about. We have had a few issues in the intimacy arena (lack thereof) starting about the time she changed birth control. That hasn’t gotten better, and I have done my best to let that resolve itself, as is may be hormonal. We almost never have sex anymore – and she acts like it is a chore. I have tried all of the romantic stuff, dating, excitement I can think of.If it wasn’t for the physical sex, I would say we had the perfect relationship. We have been together for two years (engaged half of that), and she dropped the bomb on me this week – She told me a bunch of things – so I will try and remember them all.a) She loves me more than anything, and more than she can imagine loving anyoneb) I am the perfect man on her list – I hit everything she has ever wanted, and morec) She can’t imagine being happy with anyoned) She isn’t happy.Further discussion led to her saying that this lack of happiness may be her “not in love with me anymore.” I BELIEVE she is a relatively unsatisfied person, and that now that the “new love” euphoria is long gone, she doesn’t know what to use to fill her “cup” (of happiness). This is further demonstrated by prior choices in her life (constant moves, changes in relationships, careers, advancements, etc). All of these were pursued with the hope of being happy only to be followed by great disappointment (that they didn’t fundamentally make her happy).I have done my best to let her know that I believe all of her motivation and accomplishments are amazing, but that ultimately she needs to learn to generate happiness from within.She has mentioned moving out. She has stopped with the “I can’t live without you,” or the “I want babies” comments. Once she realized how much this was devastating me emotionally, she said she was “sure we would stay together forever,” and that “she wanted to marry me, and have kids with me.”I have recommended that she see a therapist – and that she has to WANT to go (and find someone she can make a connection with).In the interim…I am scared that I am going to lose her, and that I am investing additional time in someone who will eventually leave anyway (she described similar emotions, sexual drive, etc with a prior relationship that she eventually walked away from).I almost wonder if it would be easier to cut ties now – quickly – and begin to heal. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is interesting how many of the replies think that she is cheating. I am not confident about much in our relationship anymore, but I am 100% sure she hasn't cheated -- at least not physically (and I am 99.99% sure emotionally as well).
I think things are getting worse. She has since told me that she is stuck in the dilemma as to whether or not she is with me because she wants to be (because she loves me), or because she is just afraid of hurting me. We were physically intimate once, and she even made a joke later about "just waiting for it to be over." We had another blow up this weekend, and I basically told her to leave. We talked through that one and she says "this week is going to be great, I can feel it," but I don't feel the same. I want this woman -- but I want the old one.
I firmly believe that she doesn't realize that relationships reach a point that they are more than warm/fuzzy/giddy feelings. She is looking for this relationship to make her feel that way again. We have an AMAZING balance in every other way (financial, chores, responsibility, communication, doing things for each other, dating, and goals).
I realize what we have (or more specifically, what we HAD before the physical intimacy stopped). I want it back. I am afraid I will never find a more thoughtful, sweet, caring, contributing partner. On the flip side, I am on the edge of “cutting ties.” My self-preservation mode is starting to kick in, and it is telling me to protect myself & my emotions – now.
I WANT her. I WANT this to work, I WANT to have a family with this woman.
I don’t think she wants the same thing anymore.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (22 January 2010):
 Her head is definately screwed on backwards. She needs therapy. Her relationship behavior is destructive; only loves you in the initial romantic phase, loses interest once things move past that phase and become mature. No one lives in the ephoria stage she has got to develop the ability to love past that point, otherwise she's just flighty and immature. Attention defecit perhaps? Hard to say if you're wasting your time, but I would wonder. She's already told you where her head is at, and don't be fooled by her changing her story at the last minute simply because she feels bad about hurting your feelings.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (22 January 2010):
 ask her and get her to tell you WHY.
WHY do you not feel this way.
Its not invasive forceful or inconvenient thing to ask.
She should answer that for her own sake, as well as yours
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (22 January 2010):
 As well as looking at the issues others have suggested, I would also try to see if their is a pattern between the birth control she uses and periods in her life where she has become unhappy with partners, job, achievements, etc. Just a thought coz I've noticed after going on and off depo provera shots a few times that it appears to cause me to become somewhat depressed, discontented, irritable, and uninterested in sex. Kicks in a month on it, and lifts about 2 months after getting off it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 January 2010):
 She is cheating. You can not be happy when you are doing things that you believe are wrong. Read up on what women mean when they say "I'm not happy".
FA
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 I never used birth control before but I hear that it could dampen a woman's sex drive. Every woman is different and some say the pills enhances sex drive. I would suggest to get her off the pills to see if the libido comes back. If you love her you would not mind using condoms. Just think about it, what a pill does is to mess up a woman's body so a conception would not take place. A woman is really sacrificing a lot to go on the pill, so be sympathetic about that. I don't know about you two. Has she been on the pill all her life and what was the experience with each pill, and with each man she has had? And what about without a pill at all?
She has had an unstable lifestyle and you are the only supportive pillar she could lean on.
Her biological clock is ticking but by no means she can use that as a reason to cement a relationship.
I understand how you feel. Sex is very important to me.
Don't break up until you know for sure if it's a hormonal problem.
I myself would never try birth control no matter how much my boyfriend begs. We both enjoy sex very much with a condom on. If you learn to know it's surely her emotional problem (such as not knowing how to fill her own cup), then I would say move on.
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