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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey guys, short story this really sweet and caring guy and I met a while ago, we started talking, flirting, texting, hanging out etc, and now his feelings have grown stronger for me, while mine have done the opposite. I have realised that my heart is just not in it and there is no connection for me. how on earth do I let this guy know that I no longer feel the same? he's so perfect on paper on how a guy should be, but there's just no spark/chemistry. (like ive had with previous boyfriends). It's in my nature to hate hurting people and making them feel like shit and avoiding conflict at all costs, but I can't keep pretending anymore. Its not fair.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 February 2012):
Hi there. You're right, it's not fair to pretend you feel one way, when you feel differently.
Well for a start, it's lying, isn't it?
You don't want to live a lie. You are not only cheating yourself, you are cheating him as well.
You just need to be honest.
Don't text him goodbye or be offhand like that, because that is disrespectful.
Perhaps you could call him on the phone and ask if you could see him and that you need to talk to him about something that's troubling you.
So at least you have created an opening for it to happen.
He probably might see it coming, or suspect it in some way.
He will probably be sad a bit also, however that can't be helped unfortunately.
It's most important that you be honest with him. It's critical.
The longer you leave having this talk, the harder it's going to be, and it could make him angry that you left it so long to mention it.
Perhaps you could go for a walk together.
Once you have organized to see him and you are alone with him, you could say something along the lines of:-
"I have enjoyed going out with you and you have treated me so well, and I am so grateful for that.
However, I believe you deserve much more than I can give you.
And it seems terribly unfair for me to keep seeing you when I feel the way I do.
You deserve better.
Your friendship is really important to me."
It's just an example of course, but you get the type of thing I was trying to say.
You are letting him down gently, so he doesn't feel he has done something wrong.
And you are not saying exactly, that you don't like him the way he likes you.
Although, he can probably read between the lines, just the same.
It's just a much nicer way to put it.
So then he doesn't feel offended and he still feels good about himself.
And that's what you really want, isnt' it?
Because when he feels good about himself, he also has confidence in himself. And that's important.
Yes, he will feel slightly disappointed, and yet he will still feel accepted and worthy as a human being and as a man.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 "You're a great guy and I wish I could tell you something different, but this just isn't going to work out for me. I just don't feel what I should be feeling for a relationship to work. I'm sorry, I don't like doing this and it makes me feel sad but I think it's time to take this back to a merely platonic relationship."
Don't say anything beyond that for now. This type of situation happens all the time. But keeping his interest going when you are not interested will hurt him more the longer you keep up the facade. Just be honest, be kind but be firm about it. You AND he will survive this. It's not the end of the world, it just is uncomfortable, okay?
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A
female
reader, AbigailBradbury  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Like you said hun it's not fair. If you don't tell him it'll get his hopes up and the more he will fall for you. I know you don't want to be cruel but it'll be less cruel in the long run if you let him down now gently. Just explain what you've said to us, but to him.
I'm sure he'll understand that you're nice and don't want to hurt his feelings. Explain that you thought you really liked him but just don't feel as much for him as he feels for you. Like the other person said, do it in person. Nothing is worse than being rejected by text. It'll be hard but be strong. He might take it badly. However, give him time. Time heals everything. Just step back and let it sink in and he'll realise you did the right thing by telling him. Explain you didn't want to lead him on.x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 February 2012):
 Well, best thing to do is let him down gently as soon as possible. The longer you put it off, the harder for him it'll be.
Do not soften the blow, yet don't be cruel. Don't talk about "just being friends", don't negotiate when he protests. Just tell him that he's a wonderful guy, but you're feeling like you want to go in a new direction. Do not break up with him in any way that leaves it in doubt. That's a trap for those who are scared of conflict.
Also, do it in person. Don't do it via text or phone. Best to do it in a public place as opposed to his house or yours.
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