A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I really need some advice.I have been talkin to a guy over the phone for 4 months. I know him since over a year since we used to Facebook chat regularly. I'm 18 and he is 25. Our families know each other very well and are practically family who have not been in contact for a while. We spoke every single day for the first month and it increased day by day we texted when not talking on the phone and day by day flirted excessively. He is the first guy I have truly ever fallen for and I didn't realise I loved him until after a month and a half of talking on the phone he started phoning less, texting reduced dramically to almost a hillstand and if he called was for a minute or two every few days. This was a big change for me and I got really clingy, wrote essays of texts talking about my feelings and came across like a right possessive psycho. He found it funny and would continue to jus ring every now and then. Eventually I started backing off but I'm so in love with him its unbelievable. Then he started increasing calls again about 3 weeks ago and has started texting again. The last week has been an emotional roller coaster for me because he opened upto me and told me the truth. He has a girlfriend since the last 4 and a half years. He says when we started talking on the phone he and his girlfriend had had there biggest arguament ever and she decided to stop contact with him for a month to view jus behaviour and think things through and a couple days later that's when we started talking. He says he was in z trance like state whilst talking to me and was so attracted to me but controlled himself. After a month there arguament ended but when he realised he had feelings for me ge told her his family arranged his marriage and he has to let her go. She in return cut her wrists and attempted suicide and has even told him you can have someone else if you want I can't live without you and she does not know about me. When he found out he felt guilty and told her he was joking or texting her and they are back together and she lives in the same country as him in Hong Kong I live in UK . He has never met me and meets her regularly. I asked him does he love her he said yes and then said the words u was dying to hear and said but I love you too and don't know what to do. He says he is telling me this because 4 years us not less he can't leave her and my feelings for him are new u can still get rid of them and be friends. He won't let go of me he wants us to be friends. I tried I can't we talk exactly the same u tried to end contact told him never contact me again and was crying and he started crying to and left a voicemail saying please don't do this to me I need you please stay my friend your my best friend. He has told me he has never spoken to her the way we speak he says ge speaks to me like he does with his friend and sometimes says why didn't you come into my life four years ago? What does that mean? I don't understand nothing. I changed my number and he facebooked inboxed me saying why change your number call me now eventually I melted. I love him so much. I tried to get him out of my life I can't its like a drug for him we are friends now but we talk the same like we used to and he does ring me often and tells me things about her like it was her birthday , they went shopping he spoke to her on the phone while I was on the other phone! I get so jealous it kills me. He says to me I can't live with you or without you. He is s part of me and I'm scared because one day he will probably get married to her or something or leave me and I will break down. I can't let gi of him I tried I cry all the time and j get so jealous when he talks about her and im not a jealous person. I need him. I love him. We joke a lit he always says now I am going to marry both of you and I keep saying stop joking and he replied back today why do you always think I'm joking. We never had a name for our relationship it was always blurred he always said less than wife more than friendship. He says he decided to tell me because I can't control my feelings and he can and he feels guilty for ruining my life and regrets that why did be make me speak to him on the phone ever. He also says that ge couldn't stay committed to her and if we got together tomorrow he could do the same to me bug he wants me as his friend and calls me everyday since the last 2 weeks. He does always say why didn't you come into my life 4 years ago. I don't understand what he means by that it may sound simple but all these feelings are new to me. How can you be in love with someone you have never seen. I cry all the time but I need him I really like speaking to him on the phone but I'm not sure I want to see him in person. I come across confident but I'm not because I have wright and self confidence issues and am shy in person and get shakey. I don't want to meet him in person. I don't want to be his friend either but I don't want to meet him and take it to next level either. I can't live without him and live him and don't know what I want. Does he love me? He cant stand me crying and we have had some emotional talks and he seems to trust me a lot and shares personal things. He can't leave her and won't let me go. I can't leave him. Wats going on and what do I do? Please someone help I need answers and advice. And what does he means when he says why didn't you come into my life four years ago?
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best friend, confidence, facebook, flirt, has a girlfriend, I love you, jealous, shy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 Love is more than just talk. If he doesn't like his parents' tradition of arranged marriage, he can either accept that this is his fate, try to bring romance in the marriage, or he can work hard towards financial independence and move far away from their parents. Trying to act like a victim is just weak and unattractive. Yet one of his ploy is to use his self pity to gain compassion from unsuspecting ladies he's never going to meet. Why didn't you come into his life 4 years ago? It really doesn't mean anything. He is still going to listen to his parents and marry the girl arranged for him anyway. The best he could have with you is a secret online affair. He found that you are just perfect for that since you could have such strong feelings even without meeting him. You are in love with the idea of him. He likes the idea of women crying over him, or even dying for him. It makes him feel worthy. You on the other hand got hooked to his sweet talk. You think you love him, but really you deserve so much more than an illusion, which gives you pseudo confidence that someone likes you but does nothing long term to improve your self esteem. Something proactive to do would be to improve your diet and train your muscles, also to try out fashion that does flatter your body. Even doing something you enjoy doing as a hobby would help.
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (28 October 2012):
 Aunt honesty has pretty much said all really. I know you must be feeling more than besides yourself right now, but you have to let this one go and move on. I think it's a case of what will be will be. He gets the attention from you via text or email that he no longer gets from his girlfriend, which at some point happens in most relationships, and you are getting this romantic situation which is almost like from a movie which will never happen. Rather than kid yourself into believing it will mount to more at some point reside to the fact that you can be no more than friends. Think of how much hurt you will feel if ou keep going over in your mind of all the what if's? personaly if it were me I would sever all contact and make time to meet someone who is closer to home and available to date. That being said I wish you all the best and only hope you realize that you ARE worthy of love and there IS someone out there for YOU and ONLY you ....
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 This is a horrible situation for you to be in, because either way you are going to get hurt. He values your friendship that much I can see. He enjoys talking to you. But you need to remember that he was dishonest with you to begin with, he had a girlfriend and he never told you about her until you started getting quite clingy. This tells me that he enjoys talking to you but that he loves his girlfriend and that will not change.
There is a huge distance between the UK and Hong Kong and you will more than likely never meet. Yes it will be hard for you to move on, but it is something you need to do, or else you will keep on getting hurt. He belongs to another girl. He will probably marry this girl and at some point drop you as a friend as a result.
It is time for you to be strong. You need to admit you think of him more than a friend. You need to break contact so that you can actually move forward from him. Your love life is on hold because you want him, yet his is not, he still has his girlfriend and he still comes home to her every night. It almost seems like you are suggesting he is only with her because she tried to commit suicide but that is just not true, he is with her because he wants to be with her, and if he really wanted to be with you then he would be. You need to stop putting your life on hold and accept that there is no future for you both. The best thing to do for yourself now is to cut all contact no matter how hard it is, it is the best thing in the long term. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (28 October 2012):
This is a horrible situation for you to be in, because either way you are going to get hurt. He values your friendship that much I can see. He enjoys talking to you. But you need to remember that he was dishonest with you to begin with, he had a girlfriend and he never told you about her until you started getting quite clingy. This tells me that he enjoys talking to you but that he loves his girlfriend and that will not change.
There is a huge distance between the UK and Hong Kong and you will more than likely never meet. Yes it will be hard for you to move on, but it is something you need to do, or else you will keep on getting hurt. He belongs to another girl. He will probably marry this girl and at some point drop you as a friend as a result.
It is time for you to be strong. You need to admit you think of him more than a friend. You need to break contact so that you can actually move forward from him. Your love life is on hold because you want him, yet his is not, he still has his girlfriend and he still comes home to her every night. It almost seems like you are suggesting he is only with her because she tried to commit suicide but that is just not true, he is with her because he wants to be with her, and if he really wanted to be with you then he would be. You need to stop putting your life on hold and accept that there is no future for you both. The best thing to do for yourself now is to cut all contact no matter how hard it is, it is the best thing in the long term. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): I am sorry you are hurting. You need to find help with this to work through
Your own feelings. Try and find a woman's centre or councellor who can help you work through it all. Meantime be kind and good to yourself x
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