A
female
age
30-35,
*ia D
writes:I'm so depressed and have no zest for living anymore. I just feel so alone and stupid....I'm 22 years old, and i recently broke up with my bf (28) after 2 and half years. My bf/ex was working in the states alone for the whole of our relationship. It was my first relationship, and wasn't at all planned, we just kind of clicked. So despite the age gap and the distance it was going well. I used to be very popular and sociable, and i enjoyed dancing for a lot of shows, so i was relatively busy very early on in a relationship. He understood.So i opened up to him.... and he became my first love/first bf. It was the first time I had opened up to any guy. We began to get intimate (over Skype etc). So things were getting pretty serious, quite quickly. There was one nagging thing about our relationship though.... he still spoke to his first ex (he had had 3 gfs after her, yet they would rebound with each other after every one failed).I hated that they spoke, yet I wasn’t worried about it because I trusted him. He is a nice guy/kind of a people pleaser, so his reasons for still talking to her was that she needed a friend. I accepted it despite my protests.Yet one day they end up having phone sex. And he tells me. Yet he says he will continue to speak to her.... because she has no one...I forgave him. I was so in “love” with him,that i was willing to forgive....and i accepted it was a mistake, but i told him he’d have to stop talking to her eventually. He did about 6 months later cos i kept nagging. (not proud, but it was making me so insecure)Both our families and friends all came to know about us...and things were getting very serious and this was about 6-7months into the relationship...I still showered him with love and him to me too. He was always nice and called me pet names, bought me things etc. always cared about my safety etc. it was difficult since it was long distance and he visited every couple of months which was exciting and kept us alive.Over the relationship..... he started picking at things that i did. Little things. He thought that i flirted a lot and that he could only trust me with a guy if he knew the guy.... eventually i ended up cutting people out of my life for him.He’d constantly need reassurance. All his exs broke up with him. And he’s always say things like ‘you’ll never meet a guy like me.”I couldn't proclaim anyone was good looking guy because he'd get jealous or need reassurance, but he could. And when I pointed out such double standards he'd say things like "yeah but you can take it...and I show you how much you mean to me (cos he compliments me more than I compliment him (didn’t realise guys needed as much compliments)" Sometimes I just wanted to scream. Cos I'd go out and he'd ask me as hundred and one questions but I always felt like if I asked him I was prying. I didn't want to be the needy, paranoid gf. BUT he thought this meant i didn’t care.... i explained and he understood. Yet when I started asking questions....he accused me of being paranoid. Slowly my confidence began to disappear... my friends began to disappear because if i didn’t constantly message him saying “i missed him or loved him” it meant i didn’t care...and i tried explaining that i do care, but i need to life my life etc, that i need space and he’d just say “how much space do you want, i live 3000 miles away”I had to tell him when I left the house, when I came home, updates when I was out. He said its because he cares about my safety. Even if i was with my family??? Really?Eventually he got to a point where he organised my surprise21st birthday and got me 21 presents even though he couldn't be there. He was thoughtful. Made sure everybody knew i was his. It should be alright for me to go out to my cousins house without having to talk to him for few hours and being accused of forgetting him. But he always defended it as long distance relationships of needed a lot of work. We always argued, and he said i didn’t know how to be in a relationship, granted that i have never been in a relationship. And somehow that was a fault of mine. That he would have preferred if I had been in a relationship because then i’d know how it hurts to lose in love... That i don’t realise how much effort he puts in telling me he misses me etc. So i had to be grateful that he wasn’t like other guys....(writing this out just makes me feel like an idiot)Over the two years, our relationship changed..,I went from being a confident out going girl. To an emotional wreck. I cried every time we had an argument. Half the time I didn't know why. I took a year out at Uni because I was just so stressed. I couldnt study for my exams because I'd be constantly fighting with him over the phone. And when I told him I had to study, he'd call me cold hearted for being able to walk away and not care. Of course I cared, because most of the time I'd just sit there not doing any work. I just needed to get away from him shouting and swearing down the phone, telling me that I'm acting dumb (not calling me dumb....but apparently I act dumb, his explanation), that I'm immature, that I don't care about his feelings and needs. We've been on a lot of breaks and each time we've both promised to change. And it's never worked. Eventually it got to a point were I never told him how I felt, I just accepted blame for everything. That he was right. I wouldn't blame him if he left. And he always said he'd never leave me because he loves me. He sees his future with me. So things got worse... my paranoia kicked in, and I started behaving like him. Whenever he talked to a girl, I'd pick up on little lines like he used to do to me, and he always had an excuse, that all the girls he talks to know about me and where I stand in his life. But I never put anyone in there place hence why he questions me and my comittment to him. I was a wreck. I questioned him relentlessly. Because he started to hanging out with a lot of women. I've never questioned how much he loves me, just didn’t understand that love was like this because according to him, love takes a lot of work.He listened to me and distanced himself from some girls, but eventually in anger during another argument he said that he did that for me and I don’t appreciate it. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't trust him. Why I'm so paranoid and every time I asked him why he never trusted me. He would say its cos I was a flirt even after I got into the relationship. I stopped denying it and just accepted blame....I used to. I used to imagine my whole life with him... But I just got so tired of fighting, I got got so tired of him telling me that my feelings were unjustified, that they made no sense because of the facts. That i was immature. I got tired of having to prove to him, to myself that I was better then this. That I'm not this paranoid, insecure little girl that ive become. I was so depressed yet he tried reassuring me that “im his it” yet i didn’t feel like that anymore..... I still persisted, hoping things would get better once he moves back to the UK, once we are actually together (he was returning in august 2012)Before his return he came to my sisters wedding, and met my whole family (extended). So in his eyes we were set for the future. But everyone could tell that I was just stressed. Everyday he was there, we fought. He'd say little things about my clothes, and how I'm too friendly with my brother in law or my cousins (guys- yet family!). That i wasn’t paying him enough attention, as he had come there for me...We broke up a week after my sisters wedding.(JULY) why? – I had gone out with my friend (the only one i had left) all day, and had not spoken to him at all via BBm. I told him I was going out. But he insisted on messaging me telling me he missed me, because I hadn't spoken to him properly all that week because of relatives and today was the first day I was free, and I had chosen to go out to see my only friend.I replied occasionally. And he asked me what I was doing, and I said I was with my friend and we were talking. So he asked to call me to hear my voice. So I said I'd call him when I get home. And he got annoyed. Granted that I was a bit rude, because I just didn't understand why he was being so clingy. On my way home, he had called the friend I was with because he want speaking to me since our argument, and they had a fight. She stood up for me (she hates him). And he understood all her words to be mine. All my hurt (since I tell her how I feel more than i tell him, because he doesnt listen).So he bbms me whilst I'm driving home telling me that he's breaking up with me. I get home and call him and he repeats it, and his reasons because I'm not true to him. I have so much hatred for him that he's been blind to it. And all he's ever wanted was the best for me. To reach MY POTENTIAL?? So I accepted. I AGREED to breaking up. But then he back tracked and said no.... and begged me not to break up with him.It’s now been 3 months since we broke up. Hes begged me to come back but i told him i need space and NC...I do miss him a lot, he used to say all the right things (along with the wrong ones), and all i can think about is that he left his career in America and life in the states for me to come back to London to live with his family FOR ME. And we broke up two weeks before he was meant to come back. After being in a relationship long distance for two and half years.He messaged me two days ago after not speaking for 2 months telling me he still loves me and can’t stop thinking about me. I haven’t replied and i don’t know what to do. Im still so confused. :(I do love him... but do I love him enough to be with him again? Do i give it another go because now it wouldn’t be LD? Do i give it another go even though my friends and family hate him? I have exams in two weeks and he knew that, so why would he break NC now....when he knows how important they are to my career? Is he just trying to be manipulative?I feel like I am going mad. I've changed so much that I can't even take a joke anymore. I don't know what to do. I know things were bad, unfair in this relationship, so why can I not let go. Why am I still trying to hold on? When he is is nice, he is so sweet. But when he's angry I can't stand it. I want to know where all my self esteem has gone? Why I let him control my emotions so much. Is that love?I don't know anything anymore. I don't want to label it as emotional abuse, but the more I think about it the more it seems like I have been, and it just makes me feel even for stupid and depressed. I'm trying to talk to a counsellor, but she says I shouldn't concentrate on him, which I can understand, but he keeps texting me.Help!
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broke up, confidence, cousin, depressed, emotionally abusive, flirt, his ex, immature, insecure, jealous, long distance, my ex, phone sex, self esteem, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mia D +, writes (11 November 2012):
mia D is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did something stupid and unblocked my ex from facebook. I was feeling low and i did it.
Within ten minutes I received a message from my ex.
He said he's been looking for me in fb everyday and that he misses me.
He said that I agreed to talk to him after my exams....and to give him a call when I'm ready...
Then messaged me again saying that he noticed I've been on fb since Thursday
Then messaged me again saying that he knows I've read his messages because of the new fb but to reply in own time.....
I don't know what to do.....do I see him?
I just deactivated my fb
I feel bad not replying but I don't know what to say. I feel like I'm just running away.
I'm still so confused about how I feel and I'm still seeing a counsellor for my depression. And im scared that if I see him or talk to him I will run right back into his arms with all the promises he'll make
I'm so confused please help me...
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (28 October 2012):
 I think you have caused alot of this yourself, I;m sorry but from you have said you DO come across as immature. You didn't want him to have any contact with his ex, and in the next breath YOU want space.......I agree with your ex your 3000 miles apart how much more space can you get? he is not there with you so you DONT have to reply to every email/text/phonecall/etc. have your life, be with your friends, don't blame him for your insecurities which showed in the first place. You mention " you didn't realise men need reasurance" I can tell you men are more insecure than women, but because of the male brevado they wont show it. You just come across like me me me me me. harsh but true, Find a man who is availble and near, so you can actually date rather tham LD, because they rarely work.
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 He is bad news to you. If you fought all the time long distance, the fights will be worse when you live close to each other. He will see the wrong in everything you do and say, and the only time he will be sweet is when he manipulates you to stay. He can't bring you down unless he compliments you sometimes, right? Emotional abuse is not an every day thing. It is a cycle of idealization and degradation, making you feel trapped between hope and despair. He can't use coming home to you as an excuse to make you stay and feel guilty. Also the 21 presents was not that much of a great feat. Men would go to great lengths to buy a woman's love and committment, but that doesn't mean he is worth it. Block his calls and stop being a sucker for easy attention.
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