A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am I doing the right thing? I am a step parent to a lovely 9 year old boy. My husband is away for a week and I am taking care of my stepson on his visits here. We have him twice a week and his mum lives down the road from us. His mum and her partner their new baby and other son are moving overseas. They made this decision in January. Before informing us she asked my stepson to decide where he wanted to live, and he decided he wanted to live with us. (and at school, with friends etc.) We then got an email telling us what had been decided. It was the first we had heard of it, they intend to be gone by March. Email was received in January. My stepson is about to move in with us. This has been a very sudden decision (though our stepson has told us he has known for months, she has said this is a fib and the decision was made very quickly.) Stepson is very stressed at present, as things have been quite quick and he is a little confused. This morning he told me that his mum said she didn’t watch him that I asked stepson if he felt that Daddy yelled a lot at his games. He said no, not really, he likes daddy and I watching. I go to the games too, and I get very upset at overly competitive yelling, and wouldn’t feel comfortable if that was what he was doing. Also, its not really that kind of football club anyway (they’re only little.) She says the reason why she doesn’t go to his games is because daddy yells so much and scares her. I said (was this ok?) it’s not quite fair that she says its daddy’s fault that she doesn’t go. I said I wasn’t very happy with that but I will ask daddy to talk to her about it. He said, ‘and then daddy will have a go at mum.’ I said no, they will just talk about it- your daddy doesn’t want her to feel bad, and she should talk to your daddy if she has problem, not to you, because now you feel funny about it. He said he didn’t like feeling funny. I said he needn’t have to worry, because grown-ups always have disagreements like this, whether they are together or not, and that by talking they would all feel better and solve problems. I was softer than this, and he was receptive…I think… we were making candles at the time so it was casual. My stepson opens up to me a lot about this kind of thing, and I often don’t know what the right thing to say is. I understand his mum must be feeling sad at the prospect of not seeing him soon, but I feel see is trying to turn me and my partner into something we aren’t and Stepson is stressing out about things as a result. Is there a better approach to these situations? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): I feel your pain. I am a "step" parent to 3 kids. I have one bio kid and everyone in my house calls me mom. All my kids (that what they ALL are to me) call me mom, except when bio is around. I have raised them since the youngest one was 2, only in the last 1 1/2 years has "mom" decided she wants to be a every other week parent. When the school call ME first to let me know they are sick,and the one time they were are unable to get ahold of me, the bio brings them to VERY inappropriate places, not giving them medication and acting like a 14 year old babysitter, it is very frustrating. As we are able to view their grades online we can see the are pulling a's at home, and when at her house are pulling c's at very best (most generally f's) it enrages me. We dont get child support, and for the last 4 years we have raised them single handedly, and only ask for her to pay every other time of lunch tickets (which doesnt get done until we ask her repeatedly)it makes me sick to think that a woman would act this way. Although she is the first one to "make cupcakes" also known as trying to make it appear as though she is a mom. Who acts like this? I understand the school and all of our friends get it, how she is, it makes it hard. Although I would have to say the worst thing she has every done is empty out all of my kids bank accounts to pay her bills because she is "above" having a normal job, must be "self-employed". My oldest son has over $300 at her house again from his job, and has told me "mom" wont tell him where it is at "because he might find it and spend it". We live in outside a VERY small community and he would not do that. I fear she has stolen from him again. We have opened all new bank accounts for them without her name on them and have not told the kids that she has emptied out all of their account previously. I guess I should just thank God I have the opportunity to be in their lives to show them how a mom should be, but at times it is just hard not to do that. Especially when "mom" tries to make them think she is just fabulous. I know kids take personal responsiblity for things they have no power over and would never do that to my babies I still cant STAND her. Grow up and act like a mother!!!!!! This is just a VERY small sampling of the things she has done,I could list the horrible things she has done to these kids for hours (although they have no idea because I WILL be a mother to them even if she decides not to, FYI...she isnt young, late 30's and just had another)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you all so much- its good to hear i'm not turning into a crazy step parent! and thanks for the advice about not taking everything he says to heart, I have started doing that. I will avoid getting him involved in the grown- up stuff, which makes things much simpler to talk about! Thanks for all the support and reassurance. Thanks again xxx xx
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 February 2010):
Welldone for being the first good step parent on this site. However, I feel that sometimes you should just listen and not try solve every problem.... If his mother lied to him; you turning this into a possible confrontation will send him back into his shell. The problem is resolving itself automatically since she is leaving. As he gets older he will figure it out for himself that his mother was just making excuses. I would encourage you to carry on with this openess though; good one.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2010):
I think you're a gem, and I think you're handling this perfectly. Boys find it hard to open up, so always to talk to your stepson whilst doing something, because males bond when doing something practical. You handled it perfectly. Make sure you gently speak to your husband about what he has said and maybe see if the boys's mother could just spend a little quality time with him. You're doing perfectly.
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