A
male
age
36-40,
*oontide
writes:Help.I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just over three years. We have been living together in an apartment for almost two of those three years.I am 25 and she is 21.Things seem to be slowly falling apart. I almost feel as if I am not in a relationship with the same person I fell in love with.There are several issues...One problem is that she is a complete slob around the house. Literally every single piece of clothing she owns is on the floor somewhere in the apartment. I have tried picking it all up and putting it in a pile on the floor on her side of the bed, but she just walks over it, didn't even notice. I have asked her a million times to please keep her clothing off the floor in the home, to at least keep it on her side of the bedroom so I don't trip on it in the hallways. She still just leaves it wherever she wants.I have tried starting several discussions about this and most of them have turned into horrible arguments (more on this later). She claims that she is "just lazy" and doesn't know how to change. She tells me that I should just love her the way she is. I have told her I need to be with someone who cares about the state of the house, and that I cannot live in a pig sty because it makes me feel awful.She simply just does not care about dirt or messiness. I once stopped cleaning the bathroom for two months just to see if she would notice and/or do something about it. She did not, and it became disgusting.So I sat down with her and told her I had thought of a plan to divide up the chores evenly and a system to work it out. We made a list of all major chores that need to be done (such as cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming etc.) and made a description under each chore heading outlining what needs to be done for it to be done properly. Next, I made a chart for the fridge with each chore on it and each of our names in two columns. A small magnet is placed on the name of whose turn it is to do the chore, and once it is completed we would just shift the magnet over so the other person knows its their turn. In this way, all of the household chores are divided 100% evenly.Anyways, I stuck to this chore chart. And so did she... FOR A WEEK. After that she just stopped even looking at it, and started missing her chores regularly. I would try reminding her: "Oh hunny, it's your turn to take out the recycling". But I would have to keep nagging her to do it, otherwise it would never get done.The plan we had for missed chores was to put an extra magnet on the person's name of whoever missed the chore, so they would have to do it the next two times as a consequence. She has 8 magnets on her name for cleaning the kitchen, and that's when I gave up and decided the chore chart was a complete failure.She spends almost all of her free time playing computer games on her laptop, or talking to friends online etc.She would also sometimes make a huge deal about it when it was her turn to do a chore, such as putting the bed sheets in the wash and putting them back on the bed once they were done. Whining / complaining the whole time. It drove me NUTS.Another problem is that she has not been keeping up her end of the finances. When she moved in we agreed to split everything 50/50. For a little while she managed to pay her half the rent and groceries. Then, her hours got cut at work, so much that at some point she was only working 5 hours A WEEK.I asked her to please find a second job, since she said she really did not want to leave the job she was at. She refused saying she did not want to work two jobs, because it was too stressful. I ended up paying her half of the rent for 4 months.At that time I was working full time, 40 hours a week. Even though she was only working 5 hours a week, she would not lift a finger around the house in terms of cleaning.About five months ago I gave her an ultimatum and told her if she did not find another job or some other way of paying her half of the rent she would have to leave. Thankfully she went and found another job.During this time she needed to have emergency dental work (a root canal). She had no money, so I offered to pay for it as long as she payed me the money back in the future (I had to borrow money from the bank to do this). She said fine. I then taught her how to make a budget, and bought her a little book, a calculator, and a pen to record everything with.I thought everything was going well with this. Then yesterday I asked her for a check for her half of the rent this month. She tells me, "sorry", she doesn't have the full amount (short about $100). Three days ago she went out with her friends and spent about $60. This made me feel very angry.I told her fine, until you can pay me the rest of the rent for this month then you cannot use the internet connection, and I set the router to deny her computer access. This freaked her out, but then she said "fine I guess its fair". (I have been paying for the internet connection myself for the past 8 months, even though we agreed to split it 50/50)I also told her I would not be paying her cell phone bill this month (it's included in her half of the rent, I just pay mine and hers at the same time since its with the same place). For several months I've payed it for her, and she said she will pay me back.Yesterday I sat her down and told her straight up, that if she does not change her tune about her attitude towards the cleanliness of our home, and her responsibility in general, then she will have to leave. It hurt me to say this, but I honestly do not know if she is mature enough to be in an adult relationship.She tells me all the time how much she loves me, and how badly she wants me to be the father of her children (we don't plan to do this for about 4 - 5 years). I have begun to tell her that I am seriously having second thoughts about having children with her. I am worried she would not take care of them or the house. Her behavior is freaking me out.We still have sex fairly regularly. But over the past few months I have for some reason been wanting to have sex less and less. I am wondering if this is a symptom of everything that is going on. Before that I could not stand to go one day without making love with her. It used to be love making and now it feels more like "just sex". I don't get excited thinking about it during the day anymore.Something else that has been bothering me is that she no longer ever takes any interest in what I am doing in my life. She never asks me what I am doing, or what I did during the day etc (and if she does it's a very superficial after thought, and if I answer she does not really listen).All she does is talk about what she did or is doing. She talks AT me, not WITH me. I have begun telling her "please, I don't care what you talked about with someone online. Please stop talking about this", and she doesn't listen. It drives me to anger and I will say "I DON'T CARE, PLEASE BE QUIET". I know that sounds insane but it drives me nuts. I've told her this a thousand times and she doesn't listen to me.I've told her it bothers me that she doesn't take interest in the things I do. And her response is to say "well what are you doing then". If I tell her she will say something like "oh that's interesting..." and will usually say something patronizing, almost like she is talking to a child.I don't feel as if I can talk to her about my deep feelings anymore on things. I do not feel she actually listens to me anymore.One thing that is starting to freak me out a bit is that I am starting to feel interested in other girls. I am not talking about "checking them out" in a sexual way while at the mall or something. And I am NOT involved with another woman (I would never cheat). I find myself noticing other attractive women and wondering about them. I know this sounds awful. Before I used to essentially be blind to other women, because I felt set for life with my girlfriend. Now I am feeling unsure about whether or not I want to spend the rest of my life with her.And this is breaking my heart.There are positive aspects to my girlfriend. She is very affectionate. She is very beautiful. She loves children and is good with them. She cooks (sometimes). We do have fun together too.In so many ways I consider her perfect, and I dread the thought of having to find someone else who would begin to compare to her in these ways. But the issues I've outlined above are beginning to destroy our relationship!!!I know this has been a really long post, but please if you have any advice I am all ears. This is the first time I've felt this desperate for relationship advice that I am posting something like this anonymously online.
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at work, fell in love, money, moved in, the internet, video games Reply to this Question
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male
reader, moontide +, writes (18 July 2010):
moontide is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo need to be sorry, Miamine.
I actually have not given any ultimatums that I haven't followed through with. I said out by August 2nd if she misses rent again.
But I've changed my mind. I'm going to tell her today that she has to be gone by Friday. There's no sense in hoping she'll change now. She isn't going to.
This hurts but I am beginning to see the relationship for what it was and was not. I am coming out of the denial. It is painful but I might as well get this over with now.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 You know it's not working...
Stop giving ultimatiums, you are making promises that you fail to follow through, she's not taking you seriously, because you threaten but then don't do anything..
This relationship is doomed... sorry
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A
male
reader, moontide +, writes (18 July 2010):
moontide is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it's been 17 days. Here's an update.
I told her earlier this month if she doesn't start cleaning up more and holding up her end of the finances she would have to leave.
It's been 17 days and nothing has changed. I went away for a week to a music festival I go to every summer (we usually go together but she could not afford it this year; I had payed for her the two years before this but decided not to this year), and I told her if the apartment was a pig sty when I got back that was it.... she would have to leave because she would have shown that she really does not care enough about our relationship to even contribute a minimum amount of housework.
Well I came back and it was absolutely disgusting. I tried to just ignore it because it is breaking my heart to see the reality of the situation; I don't want her to go.
We also have 2 pet rats, and it was her turn to clean the cage while I was away that week. It was not cleaned, and the whole apartment REEKED of pet urine, it was disgusting. In addition, they had NO WATER or FOOD left, and I have no idea how long it had been like that for. It is important to note that she really loves these pet rats, and it was her idea to get them.
The day I got back I checked my online banking and noticed that the check she had written me for last month's rent (which as I mentioned was not the full amount) had bounced, and in addition I had been charged a fee for the check bouncing. She had spent some money after writing the check, so there were insufficient funds.
Despite her knowing that:
A. She has not yet paid rent at all for last month,
B. It's half way through the month and she has no money saved yet for next month's rent,
C. There is pretty much no food left in the apartment, except canned beans and some bread,
D. She owes me over $1000 for her dental bills,
She this week decided that she "didn't feel like" going in to work at her new job, and so stayed home for 3 days.
This is really pissing me off, to say the least. I told her that if she is not able to pay her half of August's rent on time (12 days from now), she will have to leave by the 2nd.
Interestingly, she told me she wants to move out (but stay in a relationship with me) so she can learn what it feels like to be independent. I said that's fine and I'll support her in doing this, but that I don't understand why she can't feel independent paying her half of rent while living with me....
Now let's talk about the status of our relationship.
About a month ago, she made a new friend at her old work. I will call her Sarah.
Since then, my girlfriend has been spending 80% of her time with her new friend. They go out and do all sorts of things like eat at restaurants, go to the movies etc.
Sarah is paying my girlfriends way during these outings.
Last night my girlfriend came home extremely drunk after going to a family dinner or something with her friend Sarah. This upset me, as drinking alcohol is something we have both avoided since we started seeing each other (a spiritual choice). Her mother is also an alcoholic, so that's another reason we decided to avoid it.
It also came to light that she has been going to dance clubs with her new friend. This is also something she promised me she would never do... as we had both agreed that these clubs they have here are nothing but places where people get drunk, and try to hook up with other people... not something people in a committed relationship do, much less without the other. (If you like going to clubs that's fine, I have no judgment, what's important is that from the beginning of our relationship we both agreed and promised we would not go to bars or clubs. Again this is a spiritual choice.)
What bothers me is that she has been lying to me about where she was spending her time. Not that I am a crazy boyfriend that demands to know where she is all the time, she just told me she was somewhere else. I discovered that she had been going to clubs from pictures I saw on Facebook. It freaked me out a bit because she was wearing clothing which she usually never wears (promiscuous in comparison to what she usually wears). She told me her friend Sarah lent them to her.
Anyways, I confronted her and she said she was just having fun, that she really enjoys dancing. I decided to just get over it, because I don't want to be a controlling asshole. But it really upsets me because she promised me she would never go to places like that (I promised too and I have not broken it).
I then confronted her about the fact that she has been spending very little time with me, and all her time with Sarah.
What she said to me was "Well you never want to do anything fun. Whenever I ask if you want to go out for dinner or to the movies or something you say no."
I basically said to her that I don't want to go out and do things that cost money with her because she doesn't pay her way.
It also bothers me that in the past week I have cooked dinner and rented movies for us to watch, and she essentially ditched me for her friend.
Today I lost it and just broke down crying. I am so upset. I phoned her on her break at work and asked her why we are drifting apart, and why she doesn't want to just put in the effort to be able to live with me.
She says she still wants to be with me, but that she wants to see what it's like to live on her own.
This is so ridiculous. She was perfectly happy with me UNTIL I said I would no longer tolerate her slacking and laziness. Now she seems to have latched on to a new person who will pay for her stuff. And this new person is in some way influencing her behavior in ways she has never been before.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2010): i think you should show her this post, and what you've written. if talking to her doesn't get the message across maybe if she reads this and finds out how you're actually feeling it'll be a huge wakeup call for her.
and if she still doesn't care for how you feel then perhaps it's time to consider that you are right about her not being able to cope with an adult relationship.
her behaviour is selfish and not something you should have to put up with in a loving relationship.
all the best x
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