A
female
age
51-59,
*iss tery
writes:Dear friendsi am a 40 year old woman,i suffer from depression which makes me very confused about things and unable to think clearly which is why i need an outside oppinion.i began my relationship with my fiance last year after meeting him on a dating site.i lived in liverpool and he in surrey,after initialy not realy wanting to start a relationship with him (as he lived so far away and i have a 14 year old daughter)i did go to meet him as he was so funny and kind,i really liked him he couldnt do enough for me ,held doors open for me ect paid for my drinks. we began a relationship and i was head over heels in love he was always telling me how beautiful i was and special ect.everything was great for about 2 months he said he wanted to marry me and be with me forever.He used to ask me to send him naked pics of myself,but i had done this on two occasions previously with men i was talking to on the dating site(before i met him)and wasnt proud of it and felt i had degraded myself by doing this ,so i told him i didnt do that sort of thing ,so he'd stop pestering me for photos. one day after staying at his flat i got back home and spoke to him on msn,he said that i adnt logged out of my mail account before i left and he had accidently gone into it thinking it was his, hed read all my sent emails to other guys and seen i had sent some fotos to two of them.he said id betrayed him and i was a liar,which i suppose was true ,i dint tell him about my previous relationships because i thought they were none of his business,and i lied about the photos co i didnt like doing them.from the dates on my emails he could see that i was talking to a couple of guys at the same time,these people i was talking to made it clear to me they werent looking for a serious relationship so i didnt see any harm in talking to them in a sexual way ,i had not long got out of a long term relationship of 17 years and i guess i went a little crazy i dated three guys before meeting him but we were all aware it was just a casual thing i didnt care as i was lonely and just wanted some affection and attention from someone,and if casual sex was the only way i could get it then i did im not proud of this and realise i was silly to let these men take advantage of me.anyway once my fiance knew all this he said he coudnt trust me anymore ,i wasnt the person he fell in love with ,i begged him not to end it with me and explained i didnt want him to know about these bad things id done because i liked him so much and wanted him to like me too.i have never ever even spoke to another guy since i started the relationship with my fiance ,never cheated on him and never wanted to.but since that day he doesnt trust me at all he goes pretty much everywere with me,he has made it clear he doesnt like me going out alone as he doesnt trust"men" around mehe also worried whenever i came back home incase i was meeting up with these men again,even though i spent the whole night talking to him on msn,i tried to explain i dont want anyone else and even if i did want someone i dont have time to see anyone!i wake in the morning,speak to him on msn till three,then my daughter is back from school so i spend time with her,then from nine o clock i speak to him on the internet again.his accuations of me cheating on him started to realy bring me down i had also stopped taking my anti depressants when i met him as i felt happy,we seeemed to argue alot over nothing but whenever we did argue he would always go back to the fact thad id lied to him he often called me a lying whore ,(he uses this phrase about me whenever we argue)although when i say argue its not realy an argument i do something to upset him then he rants at me for hours on end till im so numb i just cant think anymore.once at a party he was jealous because one of his friends had pulled me up to dance with him ,i didnt want to as i knew my fiance wouldnt like it but i felt i had to,anyway i was getting quite anxious cos i could see he wasnt happy with me when i sat down,he then walked behind me (and i know this sounds funny now)and gave me a wedgie he pulled realy hard and it hurt .i was so embaressed and angry that i stood up and punched him about 8 times in his arm,i wanted him to see what it felt like to be humiliated in front of everyone.he went upstairs and i realised i had done wrong i felt guilty so i went up to appologise.of course he didnt accept my appology and started shouting at me ,the weird thing was he was livid with me but our front door was open and neighbours were bringing stuff out of the garden for us(the party was over)everytime someone came up the stairs hed stop shouting at me and start speaking in a calm voice saying you shouldnt have done that hunni it was just a joke i didnt mean to hurt you,then when they left hed start again ,i got scared and just wanted tp get away from him,so i tried to leave the flat just to let him calm down,but he wouldnt let me go he kept pushing me back down on the sofa hard he even sat on top of me and pinned my arms down and said if you dont fucking sit down i'll put you down for good,he then said how he felt like killing me he put his hand over my mouth and nose and i couldnt breath,but then he stopped.his children who are 5 and 11 came upstairs and went into there room as hed told them to go to bed.i was starting to get realy scared but his threats were just making me want to get out of the flat more so iwas struggling with him,his eleven year old then came in and wanted to know what we were arguing about ,instead of telling her it was ok just an argument,he sat her down an said right you tell her what its about,tell her how you sent naked pictures of yourself on the internet.i couldnt believe he was doing that to a little girl and we werent even arguing about anything to do with that.at that moment someone knocked on the door so i ran to it and just ran out down the staris.i went to the coach station which wasnt open again till 6 o clock (it was now midnight)and spent the night on the floor outside thats how scared i was id rather sleep on the street than go bak to him( i knew he wouldnt hurt his children as he adores them ).he didnt bother ringing me so just before i was geting on the coach the next day i rang him to say obviously i was going home,he was distraught and begged me not to go he said he was sorry for whatever hed done he couldnt even remember last night,he also said please dont go the kids are crying ,i felt so guilty that i went back.everything got better then he was being realy nice to me and kept saying how awful he felt and he was disgusted at himself ,that he was just under alot of stress at the moment(which he was ,he was in the middle of finance hearings from his divorce and he was fighting for custody of his children)he said he was pushing me round because i had hit him first and made a fool of him,and he could never face his neighbours agian which made me feel awful i knew i had done a terrible thing by punching him,so i figured we were both as bad as eachother.things returned to normal he was happy again most of the time,when we are getting along we have fun together he does make me laugh and he does tell me how very much he cares for me which i truely believe he must care for me to put up with me.the next thing that happened was a few months later he went out for the day, a few days before we had had anargument over something again and hed threatened to send the naked pics of me to my daughter,he then later said he didnt even have the pics anymore he had previously told me he didnt have them and had deleted them but on more than one occasion threatened to show them to people if i left him.i decided to go on the computer while he was out and see if he actualy did have them,i went into recieved files ,and seen chathistory so i decided to have a look .in there i found chat logs to more than one woman sexual ones,and one in particular to a girl he d spoken to for a couple of months i think.in them he never mentioned me only how lonly he was being single and his kids .he also went into quite graphic detail of what hed like to do to her if they met.i felt absolutely devastated one of the things i realy liked about him was the fact that he never looked at other women he realy seemed to only want me,and i felt safe that he would never leave me and truely loved me.when i confronted him with it when he got home,he said reading it ,it looked bad but he was just joking around and went a bit too far,he never intended to meet her for anything other than to go bowling,he does love bowling and she did mention it in the convo ,but it didnt seem to me as though they were just intending bowling.he said that it was just a bit of fun and that he needed someone to talk to as i was away every other week,he was miserable when i went away and lonely ,he said if i lived with him permanently then he wouldnt need to talk to anyone else.the next time i went back home i told him it was over,id tried to forgive him for the convos with this woman but it just wasnt ringing true to me that it was all just innocent fun.once again he went crazyhe said i knew there was nothing in those conversations and i was just using it as an excuse to finish with him ,and that i was probably shagging someone else already he threatened to send someone round to beat up the guy i was dating before him as he thought that was who i was seeing again.he even left a message on the answer fone saying are you shagging **** again .which my daughter heard he kept leaving messages like that saying she should know what im realy like,he also said in a realy menacing voice that he was getting in his car and coming down to see me .it was like that all night my nerves were in tatters i felt like i was on the edge of a nervous breakdown,so when he foned me and started being nice to me again i was just so relieved .he appologised and said he was angry because i was punishing him for something he hadnt done and never intended to do,and he just said all the horrible things to hurt me as much as id hurt him,he also told me that since i had stopped taking my anti depressants i was becoming more and more irrational , starting arguments with him and generaly behaving wierd.i admitted this could be true as when im depressed i dont notice that im being irrational.i began to think maybe he was right and this was all my fault for coming off my antidepressants.he told me he loved me and to come home so he could make an appointment for me at the doctors ,i could go back on my antidepressants and hed get some too as he had been under alot of stress aswell.i went back and he was lovely to me realy taking care of me and saying he just wanted to help me get better,he didnt mind if i didnt want to see him anymore he just wanted to help me get better then i could decide myself.true to his word he did arrange for the doctor to give me antidepressants and we have been trying the problem is i have been on them for about three months now and i still am unhappy.he did get some anti depressants ,but he never took them as he said he didnt need them it was just me buthe still calls me a lying whore whenever we have a disagreement about anythingit realy hurts me.hes started saying that hes lost all his friends because of me,because they dont knock for him while im there,but when they do knock alot of the time he tells me to answer the door and tell them hes busy.he says i wont let him talk to anyone but thats not true ,i just dont want him talking to other women sexualy on the internet ,which i think is perfectly reasonable,he wouldnt let me do it.but he makes me feel realy bad like ive ruined his life all i wanted to do was make him happy,but all i ever seem to do is make him unhappy.but if i try to leave he says im ruining his life and his kids life by leaving.he says they love me now ,i love them but they dont live withus and i think its unfair to say im ruining their life by leaving it he also hints that he is going to kill himself if i leave, then i feel realy guilty and worried sick .we have also just been given a two bderoomed place tpgether as i have a daughter and she was supposed to come and live with us,but when i told her i wanted to come and live with me now she refused saying she didnt want to leave her friends and family and would come next year when she leaves school(shes staying with her nan at the moment)we only got a two bedroom place because she was coming if she doesnt we may lose it ,then he says thats ruining his life because his children wouldnt be allowed to visit him if he doesnt have a seperate bedroom for them.we are supposed to be getiing married in september,but im realy strating to think its a bad idea ,if i tell him i dont want to marry him he will say ive been stringing him along all this time and lying to him,then he will try and make my life a misery (last time i left him he reported me to the dss because i lived with him and i was claiming money for my daughter which i shouldnt get if i wasnt with her all the time(but i still have to pay for my daughters upkeep even when im away from her),he later said he did this to cover his own back so he wouldnt get into trouble himself.he always seems to have a reasonable explanation for every bad thing he does,and i always end up feeling the bad one at this moment i feel like the worst human being in the world,my daughter wont live with me because she doesnt like him she says hes mean,he says shes just a spoilt brat whos trying to break us up .i want my daughter to be happy and i want my fiance to be happy ,but i cant have them both together and i do now feel it would be better for her to finish in the school shes at as she has started work towards her gcse,i have fallen out with my family over all this ,they dont like my fiance and say hes controlling and manipulative ,he says my mum is the one whos controlling i dont know whats true and whats not anymore ,i dont know who to believe or what to do,i feel like if i stay with him i can never make him happy because im just a horrible person i admit i am.if i leave him he will lose the house and he wont be able to see his children,he has tried to commit suicide twice before and im terrified he will do it again if i leave and he once again loses his kids and home.but if i saty with him i can just see me spending the rest of my life being called a lying whore and always suspected of being up to something,when im truely not.i admit i am a quiet private person i dont tell everyone what im doing all the time and i like to be on my own ,but he says this makes it seem like im up to something ,because i dont tell him everything i have done that day i cant help it thats just the way i am,my last partner wasnt interested in anything id done and didnt bother listening so i got out of the habit of telling people my day,as i feel im boring them,plus im never usualy doing anything worth talking about.i just fell like nothing i do is good enough and that im a burden on him ,he pays all the bills ect,and takes care of anything that needs taking care of ,if i try to do something i usualy do it wrong .hes always saying he loves me even though i drive him mad,but i dont know what im doing to drive him mad,whats wrong with me he always blames me for everything that goes wrong ,eg if somethings missing ive moved it or lost it but not angrily or shouting just ,he talks to me like im a bit of a moron for doing somehing wrong,if i get upset he says im too sensative and he was just joking round and thats just how he is.im realy at my wits end am i completely losing my mind and behaving irrationaly ,am i hurting him by being with him?he says he cant live without me,but recently hes told me to get out twice( hed been drinking both times,hes a real arsehole when hes drunk)yet if i do leave he threatens me and calls me names and says ive ruined his life ,i feel like i can t win.im trying so hard to fight my depression and be a good person but i feel like im fighting a losing battle.i have thought about killing mysellf recently ,but i cant do it because then id hurt my daughter and my family and i wont do that to them,my family now hate me for leaving my daughter,even though i didnt leave her i was just trying to set up a home in surrey so she could come live there were its nice and the schools are better,i honestly thought it would be better for her.i have just made such a mess of everything and i feel like ive ruined evrybodies life and i dont know what to do to make it better..i dont want you to tell me how to get out of this mess,i realise that would be asking to much,i just want to know ,do you think that my fiance is controlling and abusive or is he just behaving as anyone would under stress and having to deal with living with a depressed person?
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depressed, divorce, drunk, fell in love, fiance, jealous, liar, money, msn, neighbour, nude pictures, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (27 February 2007):
 I have read your problem and I really want to help you through this. Your confidence and self esteem has been pulled down so much by this man. He IS controlling you and he IS mentally abusing you, so much so that your confidence and independence have reached rock bottom. He's making you feel guilty so that you feel you CAN'T leave him, he'll kill himself if you do and if you leave the house he'll never see his kids again! BOLLOCKS!
Your daughter is the most important thing in your life yet he says she's a pain, a nuisance. He doesn't like her, your daughter gets the vibes he doesn't, plus she sees how he's pulling you down so she's moved in with her nan. YOU NEED TO GET BACK TO BE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. SHE is the most important person in your life and he is clouding your thoughts with all this shit about him needing you so much. He's using you as a mental punch bag love, draining all your confidence from you and boosting HIS ego with it instead. He's a sad pathetic man and the sooner you get away from him the better. How do you do it?
You tell your family they're right about him. He is pathetic and you've seen it at last. You don't NEED this man, what's more you're not responsible for HIS actions! Saying he's going to kill himself is only his way of controlling you, trying to keep you there! DON'T FALL FOR IT! Let your family know you want to move back to BE with your daughter. (She's going through her GCSE's just now and god knows she needs stability and security in her life just now.) If you can't find somewhere to live, ask your family if they can put you up. Anywhere that is miles from him. Change your phone number, change your cell phone number too, change your email addres... anything that connects you to him, get rid!
You are a strong person or you'd never have been able to put up with this for so long. Pick your time, talk to your family and GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT HOUSE!!!!
I want you to email me and I'll continue to talk with you. I CAN help you through this and I will if you just let me. You don't need to go through this alone, you have family who love and care for you so be strong here okay? I strongly urge you to email me at this site and we can go on from there.
Eve
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): The signs are there that he is abusive. He has physically hurt you. He has held you down and covered your mouth so you can't breathe. He does not trust you. You sent naked pics of yourself but you didn't even know him. If he hasn't forgiven you and let it go he will NEVER let it go. He is using this to control you. The man has called you a whore. You don't deserve that. Stay out of the relationship and save yourself and your daughter from a bad relationship. You are worth more.
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