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male
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anonymous
writes: i am have been married for 15 years and love my hubby very much. but know him for 22 years. i was a virgin when i go married and as the years got on we had a very health sex live but in the past 5 years it just seem to have gone down hill. i have spoken to my hubby about it and he say he does not know why. he has been masturbating and i have found out so i asked him about it and he say it is normal. but to me it is not he rather masturbate that have sex with me. this has been really worring me as i do not know what to do. can u advise as to what action i need to take. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 April 2006):
 Masturbation in a relationship is normal, there's nothing wrong with him doing it.
However, if you feel your sex life is not going well and you're feeling unloved or ignored, that is a problem. Don't get it mixed up with the masturbation, see it as its own separate thing.
You can start by just talking openly to him. Don't emphasise the masturbation, just say that you feel your sex life is not as great as it was, and perhaps he would like to try with you to make it better. Just talking openly about it might make a big difference by itself. The thing is to not be accusatory, but to talk in a clear, friendly and constructive way.
If that doesn't work then some kind of councelling could help you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): There is a Cantonese documentary on women and sex I suggest you try to watch. It's called "Women's Private Parts".
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A
female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (19 April 2006):
 You should tell him yes masturbating is normal, but if he has someone who loves him and wants to have sex with him (and he has not had sex in a while) then it is not normal. The only way to solve something like this is to have better communication. If you notice something (like the sex going down hill) then you two need to talk about it in depth and find out what the problem is... don’t just accept that either one of you doesn’t know what happened and leave it at that!Let me ask you, do you ever try to initiate sex with him? I must say I find it hard to initiate sex at times too because I like my husband to do it because it lets me know that he wants me... but then after I talk to my husband about it he says he wants me to initiate it sometimes because if he sees I am fine with having sex less then he will think I don’t want to. Having sex with your partner isn't just about making each other climax, it is about being closer with the man you love, and the more time you two go without having sex the further you will be from each other. If he is masturbating and not having sex with you then he needs to know that he is depriving your relationship of something it needs.Have you ever thought about marriage counseling? Since your sex life has been downhill for 5 years it is probably your best bet into fixing this. I know if I am trying to talk to my husband about something like this then it goes through one ear and out the other, and my husband is against counseling at this point, so when it is something serious like this I talk to a mutual friend of ours who talks to us both and helps us find a solution. My husband is the kind of guy who can't see things from your point of view without a third person telling him, so I am so thankful we have this friend of ours! You need to sit and have a serious talk with your husband, I am sure neither one of you is happy with your current sex life, being more open and talking about it could mean more fun!Hope to have helped!
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