A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am so heart broken right now. I was with my ex for 3 years. We've been through a lot together, we loved and sacrificed for each other.We were there for each other through thick and thin. The only thing was we always argued about every little thing. I always saw it as just normal arguments every couple has, never thought much of it. We'd break up and then get back together and break up and get back together. That was up until two years ago, when we broke up and never got back together.After we broke up two years ago, we still saw each other occasionally but talked on the phone every day. He says he misses me. I thought he was trying to start fresh as friends first. I still loved him a lot. We were talking for a whole year until one day he told me he was in a committed relationship with another girl. I was shocked. I thought he was single all this time. I found out from his cousin that a few days before him telling me that he was in a relationship, his girlfriend demanded that he tell me he was in a relationship. I found out that she knew he was talking to me all along, but she was under the impression that he told me about her and that him and I were platonic friends. We never had sex but he did tell me he misses me and we talked every day. He gave me the impression that he was single and still missed me. Well, she found out that he never told me about her and forced him to tell me. Then shortly after that, I still kept calling him, I didn't believe he was serious about her, I thought he loved me still. After a few months of calling, he blocked me completely. His cousin said his girlfriend was not happy and it was causing a lot of problems in the relationship as she didn't trust him anymore so he decided to block me. That hurt me so much. He is so cruel. Then I started seeing her becoming friends with all his relatives on Facebook and them 'liking' her posts. She started posting the entire history of her and my ex. I found out that he asked her to be his girlfriend the next day after breaking up with me. I found out they are engaged and he calls her his wifey. He never called me his wifey and even when people would ask if we'd get married soon, he'd always tell then not anytime soon. But they are engaged!! I see pictures of her and his family like she belongs! She speaks the same language as his parents and they love her. His cousin tells me how much his dad loves her and praises her. She posted their entire history and pictures and is still posting just to let me see! I know it! How can she be so hurtful! It was not my fault that he never told me he was with her, why is she taking revenge this way? I am so hurt! How can they treat me like this!
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female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (12 March 2016):
Ok, so I have read your post again and your update. Some questions for you: What are you expecting here? He has behaved disgustingly. You have discovered this, he was talking with her before you broke up, he likely broke up with you to be with her and you never knew...because he wasn't honest. He wasn't honest with her either- what kind of man keeps in contact with his ex? I wouldn't have had that from my partner....especially the one he left for me if I were in that situation. She would now be hurt by this....he likely lied to her too about leaving you earlier- who knows. This man is suiting himself throughout. Hes lied to her that you knew about her- when she found out of course she demanded he tell you! Come on what would you expect if this were you? Realistically, what are you expecting here? This guy is disloyal and dishonourable....stop looking back and think about how you get over him, because its gone for good and no matter how much people can see your hurt and how badly hes behaved, that wont help you move forward - your energy has to focus on ridding them from your life now..mhe is toxic and not the man you thought he was.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (12 March 2016):
 Hi,
i meant to say, you both argued over every little thing, so it was only going to cause a serious rift in your relationship, in due time.
A relationship is a two way street and it's not about YOU or HIM, but it was about the TWO OF YOU.
If he saw that you and he weren't getting on, he may have decided to move on with his life, without you in it.
Again, he did you a huge favour, because he spared you any ongoing/future pain.
You are very lucky that you guys didn't get married, because sadly, divorce would have been the likely outcome and that would have been ten times harder for you.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (12 March 2016):
Hi,
your ex bf and his gf are actually NOT being cruel to you at all and what they are doing and what they feel, has absolutely NOTHING to to do with YOU or what you and he once shared.
You mentioned the key factor to your relationship with him, NOT working out.
You BOTH ARGUED EVERY DAY and he eventually got sick of that and came to realise that the two of you weren't going to last the long term.
I am not being cruel, nor harsh here, i am much older and wiser, i see much of what you don't yet see and i speak the truth as i see it.
It's very simple, if YOU & HE were meant to be, you'd still be well and truly together.
You both parted ways for a reason didn't you?
Sure you have always cared about and loved him, but he has found new happiness with his new gf and as hard as it is for you to accept this, you have to.
You should learn to let go and stop looking at every single post they share.
Dwelling on everything they do, is only adding to more negativity for YOU but not for THEM.
They're obviously both happy and getting on with their lives, so you should too.
You're only wasting your precious time and making yourself ten times unhappier, whilst in the meantime, he has moved on from you, your life together and i doubt very much, that he truly misses you or even thinks about you as you may have assumed, because if he did, he'd be with YOU now and not with HER.
He has chosen this woman to be his future wife, because he sees that they are well suited together and because he sees serious potential for a long term relationship, otherwise he'd have remained single.
As for telling you about her, well he didn't have to, he wasn't obligated to and why do you care what he did after you both broke up?
He didn't think you needed to know and he was right.
What a person does with their life, after they've left a partner, has nothing to do with that partner, from thereon.
You don't own him, he doesn't own you, neither of you ever did and nobody owns nobody, so it makes sense that he'd move on and find somebody else and somebody that he feels he has something deeper, healthier and more meaningful with.
I have been through similar things in the past and i didn't care, because the new found freedom only meant that we were both exposed to bigger and better things to come, in our respective lives.
You cannot remain in a time warp, you must accept, hold your head up and move on, because you have to, you have no choice and it's for the best.
This overall situation has nothing to do with you, or them trying to hurt you and make you jealous/upset etc;.
What you are feeling has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, YES YOU!!
It's this simple, NOBODY CONTROLS YOUR HEAD SPACE OR YOUR THOUGHTS, because YOUR THOUGHTS ARE YOUR OWN AND YOU ARE IN FULL CONTROL OF THEM.
You feel this way, because deep down you still love him and want him back, you see that he was once your partner and it's killing you that the man you once loved is now seemingly happier with someone else.
You ask yourself, how can this be, how could this be?
This is your cue to move on and do yourself the biggest favour.
Get on with your own life and forget the past, especially all the baggage.
I know we women, are generally quite sentimental and we like to reminisce, especially after breaking up with someboDy we once loved, but this constant reminder won't serve you any good at all. It'll only cause you more unecessary pain, hurt and angst.
We all know how dangerous social media can be and there are many young people who have taken their own lives as a result, especially when they've dealt with severe bullying, or feeling jealous and left out, by comparison.
You are not being bullied by anybody, but in the funniest way, you are tormenting yourself.
In other words your thought processes, are self-fulfilled and self-tormenting.
What you are experiencing is not abnormal, it's actually very normal.
Many people break up to find that their exs get on better with their current partner, than they did with them.
That's why people break up, because something, somewhere went wrong.
Even if your ex didn't meet this new woman, he'd most likely have left eventually, because the two of you weren't getting on daily, you were arguing way too much in his book and even you accepted this.
You are now free to find a bigger, better and deeper love, however, i would strongly advise you to do a bit of self help in reference to your emotions, prior to moving forward.
This way you'll have dealt with all the 'BAGGAGE" and you can re-open your heart fresh, to finding the potentially BEST relationship ever.
I wish you much success. :-)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 March 2016):
 Sweetie looking at your update you really need to move on from this relationship. First off you say he asked you permission to download an app? Who needs to ask permission to do such a thing on their phone? Why would he feel the need to ask you if it is okay?
Also okay so he did not want to have your relationship posted all over facebook, but maybe now he has changed, or now that he is engaged he is happy to tell the world he has finally found the woman he wants to spend his life with. Yes this sounds harsh, and it is harsh on you as well but you need to accept that.
You think he is with this girl to keep his dad happy, but am pretty sure that is not the case, as you said yourself his parents tried to accommodate you. You just need to accept that he is with someone else who he loves and let him go. Stop looking on her facebook, stop torchering yourself. You think she is out to get you but no she is not, she is posting these things on facebook to share with her family and friends, she probably hasn't even thought about you, to her you are an ex off her fiance nothing more. You need to realize now that he is no longer part of your life and get over him.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (10 March 2016):
Hi. Firstly, I want to say I am so sorry that you are hurting sp badly right now...your ex partner has behaved disgustingly towards both you and his fiancé. Its sad to read the adoration and love you still have cor him, and the hope you harboured for two years since you separated...all this time he has been moving on and left you in this hope. He would have known this, and was looking out for himself. He didn't tell you about her, because he didn't want you to know. He wanted you to keep wanting him, hoping for him, because he enjoyed how it made him feel.He didn't tell his fiancé about you because, as any normal partner would do, she would insist he choose between her or no contact with you. He hide you for a reason, he hide you because it suited him, he hide you because he knew she would be upset and hurt and insist he choose.She is not in the wrong here. She is hurt, as you are. She quite likely has put it on facebook etc to show you and mark her territory - she's allowed to, he is hers not yours. This comes from him hurting her...know that. He has hurt you both and she wont forget what's hes done to her, and the lies and deceit wont go away. It will sit between them, she will have seen this ugly side to him, and will know there is always potential for more lies and betrayal. She doesn't know you, but know this- she owes you nothing. She doesn't owe you sparing of your feelings, she really doesn't, and actually you don't know what hes told her even...he is likely to have lied, said anything - that you wouldn't leave him alone, you've chased him- who knows? We know he is capable of lying and deceiving so it is very possible.She's decided to stick with him. You really need to let them be for your own sanity. Of course his family are going to be praising her- why wouldn't they? It isn't realistic to expect them to sit in the time warp he has happily helped you sit in while hes used you to helped himself to move on.Please know there is no going back from what he has done. He has behaved disgustingly, and you deserve better.Please find the strength to block him and her. Look around at who can support you with this. Think of the times of day that are most tempting to check on social media etc and put your devices away, or think of how you will distract yourself. You have to break this cycle and get them both out of your life. You can do this...you have been deeply wronged, and you have to find a way of taking control back.You feelings are likely as intense as first breaking up right now- you need a game plan - small steps. Plan for this week, then next. Focus on you and removing them from your life. Good luck
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 March 2016):
The advice YouWish gave was some of the best advice I've seen.
I only have one thing to add that I think you need to know. Arguing over every little thing and breaking up repeatedly is NOT NORMAL. It is far from it. It is very unhealthy and is a recipe for misery. If that's what you were doing, you did not have a good relationship. It was a terrible relationship, and yes he is a dishonest cad.
And to drive the point home, she is not being cruel. That is HER fiancé. Not yours. She is putting her foot down because of his terrible behavior. It's nothing personal against you. But he's not yours. He never will be. You have to move on. This behavior is going to destroy you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2016): I am the original poster here. I was there when he started chatting with her. It as his birthday and he got himself a new iphone. He asked me permission to download an app to chat with his friends. She was part of a mutual friend group. I was there when they chatted, she didn't even have his phone number, just a contact on the chat app. I heard and read their chats both in private and in group. Just two month later he broke up with me and started dating her. He took all his belongings from my place on Dec 30th and on her Facebook it says they became a couple on Jan 1. During the 3 years we were together, he would not allow me to post our pictures on Facebook. I can only post food and scenery pics. He said he didn't like to be posted online because he's a very private person. She is intentionally posting selfies of the both of them together and with friends and family. I'm sure he will be pissed if he found out she is doing that. Also, his siblings all married someone of a different culture. His parents try their best to speak English to all of us. They don't have a problem with that! I think he knows his dad really wants a girl from the same culture, that's why he is with her to please him. Clearly he is very pleased and praise her all the time. He's not doing this for love. He just wants to make his dad happy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 March 2016):
 How can SHE be so hurtful?
Um, no one asked you to stalk her Facebook and go through all he posts...
She has done nothing HURTFUL to you. In fact what she did was far more kind then what your ex have done to you for so long. She told him to STOP stringing you along.
HE lied to you. He lied to her. He claimed you two were OH SO platonic, when you in fact weren't. HE KNEW you still carried a flaming torch for him and he PLAYED you with his "I miss you" crap.
Sorry, you need to stop hating on her, SHE did nothing wrong. HE DID. And to a point so did you. You were hoping he would become your on-again BF if you just stuck it out.She didn't post it for YOU to see. You are NOT that important to her.
Honey, people who have on/off relationships rarely make it work. Because they always DROP the relationship into OFF when things get rough. They don't see it through.
BLOCK him. Block her and stay of her page and tell his cousin to stop giving you play by play. The cousin is just fanning the fires to make you feel unhappy.
REALITY IS, SHE didn't "win" some great prize. Think about it. THINK about the conversation you two had while he was dating her? Would YOU have wanted a BF who talked that way to another girl? I bet you wouldn't.
REALITY IS, he feels she is better fit for him and his family. You say she speaks the same language, so she problably have the same cultural background as well. Which can make for a MUCH better match for both of them.
YES YES it sucks to find out he didn't love anymore after all. And that YOU wasted a whole year "waiting" for him to maybe perhaps get back with you.
All you CAN DO is look forward. LET him go. In every way. You two didn't work out long time. IT happens. HE is older now, you are older now. Priorities change.
Don't waste so much EMOTION on this guy. That boat sailed 2 years ago.
Time to be like Elsa, and LET IT GO.
Find your own happiness. *hint hint* it's not in a man.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 March 2016):
 You give us a long-winded description of a "relationship" that sounded like quite a struggle for you (and him)...
Then, you describe what has happened in his life... and how it causes your anguish.... and, THEN, you write:
"She posted their entire history and pictures and is still posting just to let me see! I know it!"
1. You don't "know it".... and,
2. Life is not all about you....
Get over it/him,... and get on with your life...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (10 March 2016):
 I can agree with YouWish... He was future farming (keeping his choices close) during your time together and he's doing the same with his girlfriend with what she did with you.But now i must say with every emotional part of my being that yes a guy can miss his ex and if you really been through a lot then your words mean a lot to him. But keeping it to himself and not telling his new gf is just plain wrong. Dont blame the girl she doesnt know whats going on and if shes living the good life we're in mo position to be mad...i dont think shes rubbing it in.As for the whole their getting married situation...well love has no doubts. I dont mean to side with him or anything but if he really met this girl when you were together and decided to marry her unflinchingly then he found something that he wasnt quite sure when he was with you...true love. Don't live in the past...it hurts very much, but you're 26-29 your dating days are still at its prime...dont forget your past, it defines you, it helpes you grow. Now dont let the world bring you down and live life and love to the fullest.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 March 2016):
 She is *not* being hurtful to you. Your "ex" is a scumbag who has mistreated her abominably. She's actually naive and understanding to him to a fault, and his deception just blew up in her face. He was disloyal to her, hedging his bets with her by keeping up communication with you and keeping your hopes up, which is disgusting to begin with, and somehow she found out that he was keeping you in the wings the whole time. This has nothing to do with revenge and everything to do with cheating and disloyalty.
You *do* realize that even when the two of you were together, he was cheating on you at the very least emotionally with this girl? I'm not talking about the year you were broken up and he was talking to you. I'm talking about BEFORE you two broke up. No guy ASKS a girl to become girlfriend/boyfriend the next day out of the blue, which means the relationship with her was already established and all that fighting you and he did pre-breakup was designed so that you looked like the bad guy. He's a lying cheater.
This is why you BREAK CONTACT with someone you break up with! TWO YEARS with an ex?!? How exactly were you going to move on if you've still got your hopes up on this loser? Apparently, he *did* move on behind your back, but he wanted his cake and eat it too, and she's taking him to task. She's doing the RIGHT thing by making him go "no contact". Consider that the best thing that can possibly happen to you, because this guy you were with is awful, and he was a cancer that should be cut out root and stem from your heart and life.
She's not being mean to you. In fact, if she were here asking for advice about a guy who hid her existence from his ex, I'd tell her to break the engagement now and forever and dump his lying cheating ass to the curb. "Wifey"? Gag. No guy who is worth ANYTHING treats a wife or fiance as horribly as he has treated her.
You need to wake up to just how much scum the guy really is. Stop Facebook stalking his fiance. Block HIM, block HER, his number, his Facebook, everything. You need to do what you should have done 2 years ago and go NO CONTACT. All of the whole "I miss you" talk was lies. Do not pine after a guy who lies this easily to you, to her, to everyone. She's going to get destroyed by this joker. I think you know that. You've already BEEN destroyed by him.
To continue any communication or reaching out to him or wishing you still had him is masochistic on your part. You need to move on, because you've already wasted 5 years of your life on him. You're 26-29. Beauty fades, and your biological clock is ticking. How much more time that you can never get back will you waste on him??? Take back your life now!
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