A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife sent extremely sexually suggestive photos of herself to a guy that she had a sexual relationship with just before we started dating. We had been together for nine years when she did this. It was a part of some extremely sexually suggestive conversation including plans to meet with this gentleman to act on their sexual advances. I caught her the next morning and believe I prevented any in person contact. Since this altercation our relationship has been rediculously tense. Once she agreed to cease talking to this guy to maintain our relationship she still communicated with him via cell phone on multiple occasions. I believe she stopped this 7 months ago after about five months of open communications. She has deleted or hidden facebook conversations with other people recently including deleted emails and instant messages. Our relationship has reached its boiling point. We have been together for ten years. We have three children. We argue constantly and I have moved out. I do not trust her. Not because of what she did with him, but because of what she has done since. I have asked her to be open and honest with me, but I feel as though she has not been. I want a healthy relationship with her for our kids, but don't know how. What do I do? She acts as though I am too jealous and blames me for our lack of trust. She calls me insecure. I never had an issue until she broke our trust bond. I love her and my kids, but do not want to be hurt again. What do I do?
View related questions:
facebook, insecure, jealous, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2011): Your marriage is over, you need to stop hanging onto hope and move on from her. Your marital problems go way deeper than her current untrustworthiness. Truth is that you had no idea who she was all along, by the time an affair is discovered the 'issue' is longstanding and deeply entrenched just that you were not aware of it all this time. You've been living with a stranger for longer than you think. That's why affairs are so destructive and disorienting and turn the other partner's life upside down.And now your wife is still wanting to be with this other man, she's just trying not to get caught again. You want a healthy relationship with her, but she doesn't want one with you. Realize that you two never had a healthy relationship to begin with. If you did, she wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. This is not saying that you're to blame for her affair or for the relationship not being healthy. But just saying that to start now trying to have a healthy relationship in these circumstances is a bit too late and that's an understatement. Best to accept reality and move on with a divorce.to the anon male poster who wrote: "A phone bill, in a way, ended my marriage. Now I know I put strains on the marriage, but it's a shame, because I had every intention on fixing my mistake and keeping my marriage and family intact."Um, no a phone bill didn't end your marriage, YOU ended your marriage by having cheated on your wife. Don't minimize it by just calling your affair "putting strains on the marriage." An affair completely turns the other partner's life upside down, this is not merely a "strain." don't be making it out to be that you were gallantly working hard on the marriage and it's somehow your wife's fault for freaking out over a phone bill and divorcing you. you may have had every intention on fixing your mistake but fact is that with affairs often times the damage done is permanent and can't be fixed and you need to own that and not shift the responsibility elsewhere when your spouse is unwilling or unable to trust you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): You moved out? I think it should be her that moves out. Get a lawyer, change the locks and toss her like yesterdays newspaper. Delete her from your life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): All I'll add is be patient. People do not always cut off illicit relationships sharply. It may not be the way WE want it to go, but her heart may truly be with you and the kids...she may just not know how to transition or stop the bad behaviour. Keep in mind they may be just calls...and she may need that to wean off the other guy. It's like a drug...having an emotional affair. You can sometimes quit cold turkey, and sometimes you have to go through rehab. Don't tolerate deceit and lies, but do tolerate a certain amount of strange behaviour if you want to really give the marriage a chance. She may come around. I wouldn't assume because of a call to this guy she is working her way back to him. But do keep an eye out.
I say all this becuase I was in an affair. I ended it, confessed everything to my wife, and began to rebuild my marriage. But because I worked with the other woman, and still considered her a friend, I occasionally called her. Well, my wife found the calls and assumed I was still with her (I wasn't) and she ended the marriage. My heart was TRULY with rebuiding my marriage. A phone bill, in a way, ended my marriage. Now I know I put strains on the marriage, but it's a shame, because I had every intention on fixing my mistake and keeping my marriage and family intact.
So just be patient as much as you are being vigilant. THat's all I'm saying.
...............................
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (18 August 2011):
I wanted to add a couple of remarks that I didn't address in my first response. About the children - the reason I tried so hard to make things work with my ex-wife is that we have a daughter. I was extremely concerned with the effect a divorce would have on her, and that's why I wanted to "make it work" with my ex.In hindsight, my daughter is in a much better situation with two happy parents living apart instead of two miserable, distrustful parents living together. I came to realize that the marriage had gone south so badly, to the point where we were arguing constantly... the dysfunction created a toxic environment that was in itself a bad influence on my daughter.When I first broke the news to my daughter that her mother and I were going through a divorce, she was of course devastated. Her world was about to change forever, and people of all ages naturally resist change. The good news... VERY good news, is that she made it through the difficult time very quickly, and came to not only accept but actually enjoy having two "homes". The time that she's apart from me makes me appreciate the time we have together all the more. So my daughter actually gets higher quality parental time, since her presence isn't taken for granted.Finally, I'm guessing that your wife is the one who typically escalates disagreements or you questioning her into arguments. CaringGuy nailed the reason - she's guilty as hell and she knows it, so her defense mechanism is to blame YOU! That is EXACTLY what my ex did. You're the insecure one. You're the one who snoops. You're the one who doesn't respect her privacy. Yadda yadda. It is ALL lip service.The bottom line is, she has chosen to leave the marriage. She didn't physically leave the house and she didn't file for divorce. Why? Because that would require her to make sacrifices. Instead she will treat your like a door mat, walk all over you, and do whatever she wants with whoever she chooses. Nothing you do can "make" her come back. That's why I say you really have no choice here but to contact an attorney. Your wife has already made her choice.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): She isn't asking you to be secure, she is asking yo to be a delusional idiot with no self respect. Don't trust her any farther than you can throw her.
This relationship is over. You may want to fix it but she does not. It's time to contact a lawyer and start planning a divorce.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You have a right to feel distrustful and insecure! She did not earn your trust back. She did not show that your marriage meant more to her than flirting with this ex.
Her calling you jealous and distrustful is a psychological blame shift; passing accountability from herself to you.
You have taken the steps to move away from her. What has she done besides blaming you? Has she voiced or shown action to wanting to preserve and mend the relationship?
If not, seek out legal and emotional counsel. It would be better for your children to eventually see their Father be happy, instead of cuckolded.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 August 2011):
I would absolutely agree with those who have said it's time to move on from her. She has checked out of the marriage, and she is guilty as hell and knows it - that's why she blames you. It's so much easier to blame you than it is to face up to what she has done, which is destroy the marriage.
I'll point you to doublejack's post again, since he's the man who's been there and knows all the signs.
I can also say that your children will get through this so long as you focus on them. They need you to be strong and together, not in pieces. Take your time, focus on them and on your own life and let your wife go. Your world will become much better.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): This is a full blown affair."She calls me insecure.""Once she agreed to cease talking to this guy to maintain our relationship she still communicated with him via cell phone on multiple occasions. I believe she stopped this 7 months ago after about five months of open communications. She has deleted or hidden facebook conversations with other people recently including deleted emails and instant messages."Nothing more need be said. Simply put, you probably have no clue what she has actually been doing, and she's having some major crisis. The only thing to do is get a couples counselor involved and work on either ending the marriage amicably, as amicably as possible, or reconciling. However, you need to realize that you have no idea what she has been doing, and sex with her should be out of the question till she and you have both been screened for STD's. She is pointing the finger at you, typical behavior, and more likely than not a lot more than emails and phone calls have been involved.
...............................
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (17 August 2011):
I'm sorry to have to say this, but I've been in your shoes and I know what it feels like... I also know how this is eventually going to play out. Your wife has emotionally left the marriage, I'm afraid, so any time you spend trying to "make it work" will just be time wasted. All of her actions indicate that she has checked out. She is making herself sexually available to other men, has probably had affairs, and is no longer taking you or the relationship into consideration. It's all about her and her desires.
I was married myself for about 10 years, and my ex-wife exhibited the same pattern of behavior. There were erotic pics she sexted to other men, and some very graphic ones too. There were the lies, hiding the fact that she was communicating with these men. I confronted her... gave her an ultimatum. For about two years it appeared she had cleaned up her act. In reality, though, all she did was get more careful. She didn't change, as cheaters rarely do. So she eventually slipped up again and I was left with no choice but to file for divorce. I told myself that if I found out she was lying again I would do it, and I stuck to my promise.
Let me tell you, that was the best decision I ever made. There are definitely difficult times and I went through the whole spectrum of emotions, but I came out the other side not only a better person but also a happier one. Life does get better. You've done nothing wrong, so why let someone abuse you like this?
Once trust is lost it cannot be regained, there are very few exceptions to that rule. The way I see it, you really have no choice here. You need to call an attorney. Best of luck to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, tigerfeet +, writes (17 August 2011):
You should try dating your wife again, the trust has to be built up gradually. She loved you enough to marry you and have three children.
If this previous relationship your wife had is based on sex alone it won't last. You deserve better.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 August 2011):
 IF she needs to scratch this itch you have to let her go. Fighting her on it will just make it worse. You don't trust her. I'm sorry but there is NO relationship if there is no trust. I did not trust my ex husband and I never ever could get past it. I loved him and yet my inability to trust him eventually killed our marriage.
But then I would think long and hard about taking her back.
KIDS are resilient and will survive and maybe even thrive when the parents are not together. Mine did.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): WOW she has broke your trust quite badly,
and if the roles were reversed a man who never get away with exchanging rude pics back and fourth to someone else.
You have done the right thing in moving out, however that is just the first step, now you have to decide if one; you still love her, two; you can ever trust her again and three; if she still loves and respects you.
You must sit down and talk to her calmly and openly and tell her exactly how you feel; tell her things will either have to change dramatically or you will have to split up for good and being that you guys have kids tell her that for their sake you should both give it one more good shot.
Consider getting some sort of relate counselling so that you can begin to build your trust back up with eachother, but mostly so that you can give her the chance to tell you why she did whtat she did, was she bored with the relationship, did she do it deliberatly to hurt you or was it something she didnt even consider the terrible consequences of ( as mnay people dont. you'd be surprsed how stupid people behave in a moment without really thinking of anyone else whilst they are caught up in that moment.)
My husband has forgiven me for one or two things in our marreige and i can tell you know that communicationa and trust are the key or it wont work.
(Im not sure if your kids are young or teenagers or adults but if their under 18) sit down with your kids and tell them that you guys are going threw a rough patch and that you truthfully dont know how it will end but that your love for them has not or will not change from either of you.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): If she doesn't want to be with you, as much as it hurts let her go. She will most definitely see that the grass is NOT greener. Whether you still want to be with her and make the marriage work at tha point would be completely up to you.
...............................
|
