A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a male who has been friends with a female for 18 years. During that span we dated for about four years (at the beginning of our friendship). About 10 years ago, I moved away to a different state but I went back for visits every year until last year. And through no fault of my own, the phone calls have been fewer over the past few years, too.Last month, I found out through Facebook that my friend has been in a relationship since last fall and she did not bother to tell me. I was devastated when I found out. I don't know if it was because she did not tell me, that she was in a relationship and I am not, that I now know things will never be the same between us again, or that maybe I have some feelings for her buried down deep inside.Before all this came out, I had talked about coming for a visit in previous phone calls but she never mentioned to me that she was seeing someone. All she had to do was say, "before you make any plans and spend a lot of money, I think there is something that you should know." I was able to talk to her briefly yesterday (Sept. 4). She said I was more than welcome to come, but I told her that if she was in a relationship I did not want to come.If I did, I know I would not get to spend the quality time with her as I had planned. The visits would not be like they were before. I would try to put on a brave front, but inside it would be killing me.It's tearing me up and I really don't know why. I knew as we both lived our lives there would be change, but this has really caught me off guard. I guess I am feeling that I am not as important to her anymore.I do not know what to do (actually I do, but letting go is a painful option right now). I do not know if we've outgrown our friendship or what.I've tried to talk to her, but she has not opened up to me. Did she not tell me that she was seeing someone because she did not want to hurt me? Could it be that maybe she still has feelings for me? This has been going on for five weeks. I am supposed to call her in a few days when we have some time to chat. I am afraid, however, that if we have this conversation and it goes "down that road" that it just might end our friendship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): To be totally honest, it sounds like you still have feelings for her. That's understandable, but it's not her fault, and nor is her moving on to date someone else when the two of you were last involved 14 years ago and have lived in separate states for more than a decade. Don't visit if you can't handle the new development in your friendship, but you CANNOT fault your friend for finding a new partner.
On some level I am guessing she has picked up on your continued attachment to her. Otherwise she would have no reason not to tell you. She was probably trying to spare your feelings.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): that friendship went the day she started dating she dont want or need a male friend why should she has her boyfriend she is happy leave her alone and move on she certainly has
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