A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A couple of years ago before I married my husband we were at his parents house for a family garden party, we all had a couple to drink and I think it loosened tongues a bit!. I went up to use the bathroom and when I tried to get back outside to the party I heard a conversation between my inlaws, that I dont think I was supposed to hear. I heard my mother-in-law saying how she liked her sons ex better and that she wishes things had worked out between them, and that she also thought it wouldnt last between us. I made a noise in the hall so they knew somebody was coming down the stairs and then came into the kitchen, bright and friendly because I didnt want them to know I had heard. I have since married my husband and we have a beautiful baby, His mother has always seemed friendly and nice to me but I cant get that conversation out of my mind. I feel like I am holding back from having a proper relationship with her because I feel like she thinks Im not good enough. It sounds sad but all I want is for her to accept me, I feel like she may be comparing me to her sons ex all the time. I just dont know how to let this go, its eating me up. Shes not a bad person and would be hurt if I told her that I heard what she said. So ......help, someone? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Excuse me! you say she would be hurt.
You are too soft,tell the ole dragon that you overheard her and she hurt you!
I admire your gentle nature saying nothing, but I am afraid that I would have made it very clear there and then, that I heard everything and didnt give a baboons arse what she thought.
She probably thinks different now.
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 Today I found out that when my mom and dad got married, his mom told her right to her face "Well you little bitch, you've finally got him." So if I were you I wouldn't worry about this. Not nice sure, but it's not a big deal if she's still being friendly and accepting of you you. Ok she might like the ex better because maybe she just got on with her better, that happens. It doesn't mean she dislikes you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): So did you know your husband's ex and what was it that was so great about her really? And why did they break up? These are all useful things to consider. Could it ve she cheated on him or did some other dreadful thing? Maybe it's time to invite his Mom over for coffee and work it into the conversation non-challantly. (My girlfriend is going through a rough patch with her husband,(this could all be fictional for that matter) I think he may be cheating on her, what sort of advise do you think I should give her? You know, that's what happened to ___(mention your husband's name) after he and __(mention the ex's name) because she cheated on him, so I don't want to talk to him about this, it would be a painful reminder."Boom! Now your mother in law knows a little bit about the ex that might change her opinion without her ever knowing you overheard that conversation from the top of the stairs. If his ex didn't cheat, find out some other dirt and use it as it applies. Whatever you do, make it seem non-challant but it's time your mother in law knows the woman may not have been a saint.Or you could do what I've done in my marriage. Ignore it, try to get to know my mother in law and eventually she will come to love you as much or more as she did the ex.And last of all, if nothing else works you may just have to say, "You know there's something that's been bothering me for awhile...." and then tell her what you over heard. It might shame her into liking you. But I would save that one as a last resort. Most people don't like feeling embarrassed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): It's a pity you overheard that conversation because I'm sure it changed everything and restricted you in many ways from your full potential and the relationship you could have had with your mother in law. However, one important fact: it was "a couple of years ago before you married your husband" - there is HOPE. Those were her thoughts, in the beginning! Who knows if that has changed since then? She was wrong, you guys did work out, and not only that, you got married and are still together, and happy? So just as she only had the old habit of the ex to compare to, I'm sure by being YOU she may have changed her mind and now accepts you.The best thing you can do is make her statement false - be YOURSELF, be the best YOU, and I'm sure it will withstand and surpass the ex ;-) It's not a competition, but one can't help but want to be better than an ex, so it's natural and normal.Treat her the best you can, be thoughtful and caring, and make her son the happiest man on earth, and I'm sure one day you will realise, YOU are and have been the best all along. HE CHOSE YOU. He MARRIED YOU ;-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Just because she prefers his ex doesn't mean you cant develop a civil and friendly relationship with her. She has to accept that you are her daughter in law not his ex. So what if she preferred the ex? Your husband chose not to marry her so what his mom thinks is irrelevant. And over time she can develop warmer feelings towards you.
I know my mother in law would prefer if my husband had married someone of a different race (they are white, I am not) and someone of their family's religion. So what. We have a civil relationship and that is just fine with me, I don't need her to think I am the ideal daughter in law. She already has that with her other son and his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): You say this was a couple years ago... it's quite possible her opinion of you has changed in that time. You are the one with whom her son chose to have a home, a marriage, and a child; it's pretty hard to believe that she would still carry any sort of torch for some ex who is clearly not part of her son's future, or her grandchild's.
You have moved past the point of "comparisons" as you are reaching and sharing life's milestones with her son that the ex never did.
Unless this is affecting your efforts to be civil to her, I'd let it go.
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