A
male
age
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jimrich
writes:It seems to me that almost all of the problems and unhappiness posted here are about unhealthy self esteem/worth and the solution is so very easy, simple and available.I did a lot of self esteem work and have found that it repairs almost every issue once it begins to operate in us as our prevailing inner reality and HAPPINESS.There are many aspects of good/healthy self esteem so I will just touch on a few and then send you to some resources should you feel inclined to improve your own self worth/esteem and confidence.My #1 benefit from self esteem work was to be able to look others in the eye, speak the truth, be more dependable and responsible and love my wife better. It just boils down to feeling better about your self and behaving better in the world. Most of my life, I have struggled with feelings of not good enough, less-than, undeserving, troubled, self loathing, low confidence, bad attitude, unfriendly, ANGRY, depressed, FRIGHTENED, mean, anti-social, ASHAMED and many other negative, self defeating attitudes/behaviors all arising from unhealthy self esteem which I was given and/or acquired in early childhood from inadequate parenting and others. Developing good self esteem/worth is nothing more than changing early childhood messages and conditioning from the negatives you were taught to positives you can now give your self. You give your self the gift of healthier self esteem - not someone or something else. You were born with good self esteem and most likely loved and liked your self UNTIL someone or thing with more power than you had TOOK it away from you with negative messages and behaviors. You were a defenseless child and easily lost your original love and respect for your self which then became your prevailing concept of your self later in life. Oddly, we forget and do not remember all the little and big events and teachings from early childhood that brought about this loss of our original good self esteem and just assume that that's who and what we are as we become older. We become convinced that we did it and were always just that way (unhappy).It's interesting that some of us were programed with too low or 'less-than' self esteem and others were programed with too high or 'better-than' self esteem. Both are unhealthy and bad. Folks with too low self esteem are the most common whereas folks with too high self esteem are rare and often appear to be healthy and OK by comparison. Living with either type is painful and dysfunctional. They both make terrible partners because they make life unhappy for everyone.The bottom line is: can we change our self image and get back to something more functional and HAPPY? Self esteem teachers can show us in short order how to undo our bad childhood programing and regain our correct/healthy and HAPPY orientation with our self (and others). It only requires us to really want to change and then DO IT. The only thing you may want to be aware of as you begin to go from 'too low' up to middle/center or from 'too high' down to middle/center is the tendency to swing too far. You may go from I'm not OK to I'm better than others - swinging too far in the opposite direction as your self worth improves. You may go from depression to arrogance or cockiness because you do not know what middle feels like and need to get used to being middle instead of at one extreme or the other. This also occurs when folks do "assertiveness" work where we go from Passive to Aggressive until we finally learn where the OK middle is and then stay there. It's a learning/practicing process as you begin changing: "I'm a low life scum bag" or "I'm the best there is" back to: "I'm OK". It may take a while, depending on your life situation, but well worth the effort to regain your happiness and peace of mind as an OK person. If you have a 'difficult' partner, it may be nearly impossible to change your self without a struggle as the other person will not appreciate your efforts to be healthy and free and may fight with you and your new (threatening) orientation. In this case, it can often be helpful to be part of a self esteem study or support group so they can reinforce and encourage you as you learn and improve.IMO, personal happiness is all that matters in life and I recommend self esteem/worth training and work to achieve that precious happiness. Other things like religion, spirituality, self hypnosis, healthy food, exercise, etc. may do the job and make us happy but I put my money on self worth work more than any other thing 'cos I've seen some 'spiritual' types and religious folks, body builders, etc. who were not all that happy because they still suffer with 'unresolved' early childhood conditioning to feel wrong about them self.It's up to you to find a process to be happy most of or all the time. Maybe you will try or use several methods to become happy for the rest of your life. Good luck with whatever you find and let us know what you found and how it works for you.Links:http://www.google.com/webhp?sa=N and hl=en and tab=lw#hl=en and expIds=17259,25941,26751,26758 and sugexp=ldymls and tok=BcEzIvZ3FylSb1w3xb5e7A and xhr=t and q=self+esteem and cp=6 and pf=p and sclient=psy and site=webhp and aq=f and aqi=g4g-o1 and aql= and oq=self+e and gs_rfai= and pbx=1 and fp=6e95878db2267631http://www.google.com/webhp?sa=N and hl=en and tab=lw#sclient=psy and hl=en and site=webhp and q=self+esteem+train and aq=f and aqi=g4g-o1 and aql= and oq=self+esteem+train and gs_rfai= and pbx=1 and fp=6e95878db2267631http://www.google.com/webhp?sa=N and hl=en and tab=lw#sclient=psy and hl=en and site=webhp and q=happiness and aq=f and aqi=g5 and aql= and oq=happiness and gs_rfai= and pbx=1 and fp=6e95878db2267631Jim
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reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 September 2010):
Hi there. Yes, I agree with all that you've said. It's so important to feel good about yourself always.
If you don't, it affects everything you do. And of course it reduces your level of happiness.
The one really important thing for us all to remember, is that no one person is any better than anyone else - we are all equal. There is no exception to that rule.
We are all different, but we are still equal.
I also had some self-esteem issues earlier in my life. It was when I was a teenager and into my early 20's as well.
In me it came out as worrying about what other people thought of me or what I was wearing. Also, I used to get upset when people didn't always think like me on some subjects. Silly things like that. But not silly at the time.
I really believe that most of us at some time early in life go through that stage, but thank goodness over time it does kind of go away. It does take some work though.
What was my turning point was a guy I went out with for a short while, told me about a book called - "Your Erroneous Zones", by Dr Wayne W. Dyer.
This is a book about exactly what you are talking about. It's a wonderful book and light reading, nothing heavy or too deep. It's also quite funny throughout.
It is a book that made all the difference in the world to me personally, the moment I started reading it. Within the first few pages, I really started to feel like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
It talks about living in the present moment always, and not using blame or justify; or worry or guilt. And of course, so much much more as well. It makes so much sense. It's also the type of book you can read every year or 18 months to 2 years - just to refresh the ideas again.
That book alone, was what changed me to being a confident, happy, fulfilled person. If you ever get the chance, buy yourself a copy. Most good bookstores should sell it in the "New Age" or "Self-Help" or "Motivational" sections. Another option is going on amazon.com - they sell lots of books there, and would probably have it.
Also what you said about once you begin to gain self-confidence, and your partner feels a bit unsettled by it. I can see how this can happen. Most people are a bit nervous about change. This would be rather a big change.
The main thing here, is that while you are making the transition from no or low confidence to feeling good about yourself, it's really important that you reassure your partner that nothing has really changed. It's not necessary to actually say this, but show it in your actions.
Always staying positive and being encouraging and supportive of your partner, so they start feeling better about themselves also. Self-confidence does have a flow-on effect. When you feel really good about yourself, you also help others to do the same - automatically. You are not comparing yourself to others, because you already know that you are a worthy human being. So you yourself, don't feel threatened by anyone else being better than you in some way. It really is true freedom - in capital letters.
Because of feeling good about yourself and your life, everyone you meet will be drawn to you and your free-spirited nature that you exude.
Thanks for a great article. It's very enlightening and so needed in today's world. There are a lot of troubled people who are very unsettled and unhappy. The great part is they are seeking help and asking the right questions.
Take care and best wishes.
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