A
female
age
51-59,
*ly897
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years now. When we met it was wonderful. He was so passionate and loving and giving he held me like I was someone special. When he kissed me I felt like a school girl and was on cloud nine. About 6 months after we met and I was spending every night at his home, actually it was his roomates home. His roomate said I could not be there weekends which put a hold in our sexual relationship. He felt he was being controlled and began to clam up. But just a month later we moved into our own home. I was so happy I had this wonderful man all to myself now. We were in our home exactly one week before we had sex for the first time in our home. Intamacy began to dwindle. He still cuddled but sex became about once a week. Then 5 months later he cracked a rib. Sex was gone for 2 months. we had sex a couple more times then he fractured his ribs again. His pain became unbearable and he would wake in the middle of the night crying in pain from a spasm. I was very understanding and helped him ease his pain as much as possible. He began healing again and 3 months before our second anniversary he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. It is a cancer of the white blood cells, but classified as bone cancer which is why it was so easy for him to get the fractures. He went through chemo and had beat it by 80%, bones were healed. it is still under control but still we have no sex life. the last time it was 3 months ago. He doesn't even grab my breasts anymore. we don't play and horse around either. He has also stopped cuddling and I have to ask for a kiss unless he is going somewhere. Now for some more schematics. He is bi polar and his income from SSD and private disability insurance is all we have. We never have any money to do things fun and are always at home unless one of us has a dr appointment. His stress level is high. I am also disabled I have Lupus and am fighting SSD as well. We were both married for 20+ years his relationship just drifted apart, mine was a terrible marriage. I believe that even though he says he loves me he is afraid of giving himself to me. He was married twice before the first one she cheated on him. Then he had a relationship where she also cheated on him. Then he married who I believe the love of his life. When she left he was very hurt. He is the love of my life and when he holds me and kisses me I am still on cloud nine. I think he is the most wonderful man I have ever known. But I hurt so much and I have bad depression because I feel rejected, that i am not important. I have told him how I feel, how I hurt and what my needs and desires are. He is a man who needs his space and feels like he is in a cage. I understand who he is, how he feels and I do the very best that I can to give him as much space as possible. When I do this he pulls further away. I tell him how I feel and he comes back a little and tries to show me love. Then he backs off again. It is a vicious cycle and my heart is breaking because I feel he would rather be alone.
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female
reader, sly897 +, writes (17 April 2011):
sly897 is verified as being by the original poster of the question He has mentioned not deserving. the lack of intamacy is a problem for me because I also suffer from depression and sometimes think undeserving myself. I get in a funk and think he's not attracted to me anymore. In a couple of weeks his antidepressant should be in his system. We will see. Thanks again.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 April 2011):
 Interesting.
I got the impression that he wasn't interested at all in sex.
From the sounds of it, I think you've done just about everything within your power to make him interested. Perhaps he is worried about becoming injured while having sex with you. If his bones are brittle and prone to breaking, this could be on the back of his mind for not wanting to have physical sex.
In addition, he could be on a low-point of his bi-polar and he feels he doesn't deserve to make love to anyone. Have you noticed that he is depressed?
Since you've asked him why he doesn't want to make love, I think you owe it to yourself to accept his explanation. You can try couple's therapy to see if it that helps, but out of your lengthy replies, you don't indicate what he has told you when you've asked him. I think therein lies the problem, the potential solution and whether you can accept it or not. Intimacy is an important part of any relationship and only you can determine if this is a deal-breaker.
Good luck.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sly897 +, writes (16 April 2011):
sly897 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Eddie85, He has talked to a psycologist, psychiatrist, and his doctor. He doesnt have trouble getting it up because he takes care of himself occasionally. I have told him I am feeling neglected. He is nearly 50 and I am 42 in my prime and my libedo is high. He was off his meds for a couple of months due to insurance problems. His bi polar medicine starts tommorrow. He admited to me that while in the shower and washing himself he has become arroused and taken care of business. This hurts deeply because I am without. I have told him to lie down relax and let me try to get him in the mood. He won't budge. I have mentioned my issues so many times while pouring my heart out to him. Thanks for the advise but I've tried everything.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 April 2011):
I think there are a bunch of things going on here:
1) With his cancer and treatment, I can only imagine what his libido is like. To be honest, my guess is he is lucky to get an erection. Chemo will drain anyone's health, let alone their sex drive.
2) If he is bi-polar, he will likely have severe issues with depression. People with the massive mood swings, especially when they are in their "low" period, will not be interested in sex.
3) You have to factor in his age as well. I am assuming his in his 40's to maybe early 50's. At that point, his testosterone levels are probably declining. He may want to consider exercise and getting this hormone level tested.
4) If he is on any sort of medication (anti-depressants, pain pills, etc) will certainly drain his libido.
I think at this point, you are going to have to be patient with him. There is a lot going on and I think you'll need to have to understand that sex is probably not really high on his list.
I suggest you talk to him, however, to let him know you feel a little neglected. You may have to suffice with dinner or some conversation, rather than sex at this point.
Again, I'd also have him consult his doctor and I think patience is going to be the key here for you. I don't think the problem is you, but with everything else going on with him.
Good luck.
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