A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I'm new here, and in need of some advice.My boyfriend (my ex now, I guess) and I have been together for 10 months. Things were a bit rocky when we first started dating, in that I knew he was very different from anyone I'd dated and I wasn't sure if I was able to handle a serious, adult relationship. We stuck it out and since then it's really been more or less smooth sailing.My boyfriend has had about 4 prior serious relationships, all lasting about a year. From what he's told me -- and it's been a lot -- they have all ended badly and have greatly affected his outlook on life. His mother has a lot of mental issues and they've had a very rocky relationship. This past spring he seemed to really be making great 'progress' and seemed to be focusing much more on the present than on the past.He has lived in this area for the past 6 years, first for college and then stayed here. I met him at work. At the end of this May, he moved back home for the summer, to save on rent and have a relaxing summer before starting graduate school back here, in my town (chosen, I assume, large in part because it's where I am -- he had other options). I saw him mid June for my birthday and then again 2 weeks ago when he was here looking for a place to live.About a month ago we had a talk where he said that he wasn't able to be fully invested in our relationship yet, because of things he's experienced in his past. He loves me, he loves our relationship, but he didn't feel able to invest himself 100% in it because when he had done that before, it all went awry. We talked about how I wasn't the women from his past, nor was I like them, and how our relationship was good and solid and loving despite that. I stated that while that didn't thrill me, it was okay, and we would be fine. We both dismissed the idea of breaking up and things were good since then. We've talked much less this summer than we did during the year, but we both have lots to do (I'm in grad. school this summer and he has lots to help his dad with) so it was fine. Neither of us are interested in anyone else or did anything with anyone else; that's not a part of this.When he was here two weeks ago it was a little tense, but I understand how stressed he was about finding a place to live (he's paying for graduate school/housing/living expenses during that time solely through loans) that was manageable price wise. He found a place and immediately relaxed a lot; the rest of our visit was good.Wednesday morning we spoke online. He said that he was thinking and he just didn't feel he was able to fully commit to our relationship to make it successful in the long term because he is "not ready for a relationship like this". Here are some highlights, behind the cut. I think it makes more sense to just show exactly what he said instead of trying to condense it.(11:12:20 AM): ok, well I was thinking about yesterday and it, combined with a lot of other stuff that we've already talked about, makes me really think that maybe i'm just not ready to give our relationship the energy and effort it needs... it's been bothering me for a while now... but at this point i'm kind of just miserable because i love you and really care about you, but i feel really distant and last night i just kind of realized that i just might not be ready for a relationship like ours. it's unfair to you and it's driving me nuts... i'd like to talk about it at least on the phone with you but i can't just ignore that it's bothering me a lot(11:21:17 AM): well i think you're awesome. you're really sweet and a great friend to me which means you're easily the best girlfriend i've ever had... but i don't feel like i reciprocate the energy or feelings you put into our relationship... that's not to say i don't enjoy our relationship, i do quite a lot.. but i think there's a disparity between you and i.. and if it makes any sense at all i just don't think i have it in me to match you...(11:54:30 AM): well i think it's obvious that you and i are in a long term relationship... we're not just dating... but it's too much for me right now... i really need to focus on school and stuff but i find myself in such a funk because i keep tearing apart my past and trying to sort it all out and i constantly feel drained and really insecure... last night/this morning i realized that i've been confused because i was thinking i was a problem... in that i have really wonderful feelings for you and we have a good time together consistently... but what i realized is that it doesn't matter that we have a good relationship, i'm just not ready for it...(12:10:05 PM): it's just a lot for me, i've been constantly thinking about who i am as a guy fast approaching adult hood... i've been thinking about what i want from life and what i need to do as a member of my family in terms of success and career... and i'm hung up on some stupid bullshit that i know full well is RIDICULOUS... i'm trying to put it all behind me. add to that the fact that i'm failing in my emotional duties as a boyfriend and it's just too muchME (12:14:51 PM): fulfilling your 'emotional duties' as a boyfriend to me doesn't factor into your adulthood? (i honestly don't mean that in a bitchy way, i'm just trying to get a handle on it)(12:15:31 PM): i think it does factor in a lot... i don't want to be a guy who takes women for granted... a lot of what i've been thinking about centers on my relationships with women (as you know)... and this morning when my brother and i were talking we talked a lot about our mom and dad and it just made me realize that no-matter what some stupid bitch in my past did i can't let it effect my relationships... the fact of the matter is though, that i'm not ready to approach them like that yet and it's not right to be in a relationship you're not prepared forHe wouldn't use the words "breaking up" or "dumping", but that's pretty much what happened. I'm distraught. I suspect this came about because of a combination of a) not being together this summer to just hang out when one of us got stressed -- we are very good at bringing one another back to zero, stress wise b) freaking out about school. He doesn't handle stress well and when he feels it, he's given to getting over the top hysterical and thinking very negatively about everything and c) running away from something great because it's new and scary.I'm beyond distraught. I think that this should be a stumbling block, a time for me to 'carry' the relationship for a bit (because that's how life is. It's a give and take), a time for us to just really come together and navigate through this. I truly believe we're better together and that breaking up just isn't the right thing to do.We're both 24, in case that changes anything.I guess I'm just looking for advice or input. Has anyone else ever been through anything like this? I sent him an email Wednesday night telling him that I think we should take a few days to cool down and collect our thoughts before we talk. Thanks. Anything anyone can say would probably help me. I'd just like an outsiders thoughts and perspectives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): Hi love,
I understand, he is scared to death of not being good enough, with all the emotional baggage he carrys around so much on his mind he feels deep inside no good..
He feels not good enough for you because he cant offer you what he thinks you need, which is ironic as its him warts and all... But he canot get through his head that he can be loved and deserve to be loved. This is a huge reason of holding back and easier on him as he feels if he is thinking this way then its not fair to you... So he is in turmoil as he loves you but feels so sad and hurt and confused inside feels he is no good and he canot give what he wants to give or as I said what he feels he should give,
And hunny this is just going round and round in his head with you at the top of the list of things to worry about most as he does love and care for you out of everything the most, Is he is a lovely caring person who doesnt like to hurt anyone? sweetheart he is so very hurt inside at the past issues and this has made him very insecure, He is probably the pleasing type who wants to get good grades to get a good career to please the family, desperatly needing to show he is worth something...
Without realising he already is, All I can say love if any of what I have said rings true is just be there Ive a feeling he will need you at some point..
He really needs help dealing with the past as being a deep thinker it must be a nightmare just going around in his head some counselling wouldnt go amiss you take care love and if you need to talk message me LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (29 July 2007):
What would I do in this relationship? How would I handle It? Did you ever hear of just plain old friendship? I was once in a two year,No sex,relationship. And I found it to have been one of the most memorable two years in my whole life. And sex would of just been using each other's bodies,when our only deep,caring commitment was in a wonderful Friendship. You both need to back-off in your relationhip. As it is quite plain to see that he isn't ready for a committed togetherness at this time. And no sexual-glue will hold the relationship together for very long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Well, I have been 24 before and I have been 32 and in relationships like this where the guy just wasn't ready to commit, and that in a nutshell is what he is telling you, he feels like you need too much from him, and he is not willing to give it, forget the part about how he isn't ready, he is not a willing partner.
At this point, sadly, I think the only thing you can do is call his bluff, if you are sleeping with him, cut that off, and stop seeing him, you don't have to tell him why or that you are seeing someone else or that you want to move on, just say you want to take a break from the relationship, and then do start dating others,....this relationship may very well have run it's course, or this break could give this guy the chance to sort himself out, figure out what he wants, and if he wants you, and if he comes back, then and only then will you decide to let him back in, if I were in your shoes, that would mean a commitment of marriage, or some future goal in mind that involves the two of you together....you deserve to be happy and to have a guy who wants you and the relationship, if he is insecure, he needs to work that out on his own, it is not up to you to carry the relationship, it won't work by the way, he had to hold up his part.
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