A
female
age
36-40,
*xAnnekaBxx
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend for Four months now. Our relationship didn't exactly start in a dream way, since he was at the time in a relationship with another girl when we met. He has since ended his relationship with her to be with me exclusively. The problem I am having is with this mentioned Ex. He insists that she not know that we are together. I am completely sure he has broken up with her since I was shown the conversation between them when he ended it with her. He keeps nothing from me and often shows me texts etc that she sends him because he wants me to know that there is definately nothing going on with them. I do understand that he wanted to save her feelings by not telling her about me when we first got together since it was so soon after they broke up, but now after around three months, I am still his little secret from her and everybody that knows her. In some ways she still talks to him like he is her boyfriend and that bothers me, even though he doesn't talk to her in the same way. I am hesitant to mention my worries about this to him because I am partly convinced that this is just me being insecure as this is my first real relationship and I also don't even understand why this matters so much to me. His family all know about me and have met me and all of his other friends so it's not even like he is ashamed of me. He's saving her feelings by keeping me a secret, but also hurting mine by doing so. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): I completely understand where you are with this. My current boyfriend of about 5 months and I are in the same situation. I don't think he cheated on his ex with me because they had broken up about a month before. However, he is still unwilling to tell her about our relationship despite the fact that all our friends and his family know and are happy about us. I feel like I'm constantly having to be understanding that he doesn't want to further hurt her. He doesn't want her to think that he left her for me, which is not the case at all.What I'm doing is trying to be understanding, but making it very clear that I am not ok with this situation. I try to explain to him that I can sympathize with him and think it's kind of him to take care of another person that way, but that it is difficult to have a strong relationship with each other when another person is still actively on his mind.I would give it a little while and make a decision. But keep in mind that until he tells his ex about you, or somehow distances himself from her, you shouldn't allow yourself to fall for him 100%. You have to protect your feelings. Also, mention this once and let him deal with the rest. Don't nag about it, but let him know clearly that although you're not jealous, you're not comfortable with this situation and ask him to put himself in your position. Don't show him anger or distrust, but show him that it's hurting you.Good luck!
A
female
reader, xxAnnekaBxx +, writes (6 January 2011):
xxAnnekaBxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think maybe i came here for advice in an attempt to avoid having to talk to him about it.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Your boyfriend might be a serial 'X-man'. How do you know he won't start his next relationship by cheating on you in the same way? That 'ex' might be YOU one day, texts and all.
You said that "he wanted to save her feelings by not telling her about me when we first got together". How considerate of him [sarcasm]. With very little interpretation on my part this could also mean that he didn't want to be seen as a 'cheater' by her. Perhaps he had a reason that he wanted to protect her perception of him. He's lied to her, he may lie (or be lying) to you too.
If you feel this insecure after only four months, how do you think you will feel in a year if this isn't resolved? You must talk to him about this. Tragedy!
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Wait, he cheated on her with you, and you're wondering why he doesn't want her to know about you? Really?
Ok, I'll lay it out. He doesn't want her to know because then she'll most likely find out about the affair, and he doesn't want the repercussions from that. Pretty simple.
P.S. If he cheated on her, chances are he'll cheat on you at some point as well. Enjoy your temporary bliss.
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